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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't stay can't go, AIBU to think I'm trapped

69 replies

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 14:38

I can't stay because I don't love my husband any more and I don't think I ever did. But I can't leave because I'd be leaving my child behind and that would ruin child's life. I can't leave and take my baby with me because I don't love the baby and I hate being a mum. And the only thing worse than staying with husband and baby is being with baby without the husband.

OP posts:

Thefitfatty · 10/12/2016 17:55

aqua I felt similar to you after my two. I had to adjust my medications. Things change chemically with pregnancy.

Go back to your gp and talk.

Thefitfatty · 10/12/2016 17:59

Sorry you are coming through as someone who is depressed. The negative, nothing is working out, nothing ever will, I've made peace with that, etc. Is exactly how I get. I'm not a stay in bed, i'm a go through the motions while wondering how quick death would come if I went in front of this car because fucking Christ I can't stand the monotony any more.
Get help it will get better.

NiceFalafels · 10/12/2016 18:02

Sometimes it can take years to feel that bond

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 18:04

I don't think I know how!

OP posts:

Zarabell · 10/12/2016 18:11

Can I ask what you hate about being a parent?

Babies can be completely boring and completely training, toddlers aren't much fun either, if you're not a baby person, but my gosh it totally changes once they get a bit older. They are different, you parent differently, you get to be you again and your child can be a fabulous companion.

I'm not going to say you have pnd because I really don't know but I do think you should speak to someone like your GP or a counsellor about how you're feeling.

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 18:12

To be honest I dread them getting older as then they will know I dislike them.

OP posts:

Zarabell · 10/12/2016 18:21

What is it you dislike? Are you very tired? Is it the monotony?

Things totally change once they get to about age 3 because they aren't so all consuming.

You won't be able to see past this if you're depressed or going through trauma.

Misspilly88 · 10/12/2016 18:21

Please please see another gp or look into any pnd services in your area- the gp may not know about them. In my area there are 2 charities you can self refer to. Even if you think it's not pnd, which with everything you've said it sounds like it is, then you have nothing to lose by speaking to them anyway, they'll be experts and will be able to tell you if it is or not. Side note I totally wanted my 1st baby, always have, but didn't get that rush that gets talked about. I didn't like him as a baby either. Just so you know you're not alone.

Zarabell · 10/12/2016 18:23

I didn't get a rush of love either with my first.

For a while I just went through the motions.

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 18:34

Seriously, it isn't how you are all describing. It's not depression. It's me. It's not going to be, take pills and you will love your baby.

OP posts:

mrstomriddle · 10/12/2016 18:42

This is such a sad situation.

Have you told anyone what you are telling us? Have you said those words out loud that you don't love your baby? That you dread being with him alone? Does your husband know? Sorry for all the questions.

I have no advice, other than the fact you need to talk to someone. You mention a child and a baby? Is there an older sibling? How is your relationship with them?

I have 3 children all under 4 and I can be honest and say, the love I have for them all came in different ways and at different times. But they are the absolute loves of my life and it makes me sad to think you don't feel that way.

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 18:44

No no older sibling. Husband knows but says I'm depressed.

OP posts:

mrstomriddle · 10/12/2016 18:47

Ah ok sorry I misread your op.

I think you need to tell your GP exactly how you feel.

Keep talking on here. Is there any aspect of being a mother you enjoy? The smiles and laughs?

Does your baby sleep well? Or is there a lack of sleep that could be affecting how you feel?

baconandeggies · 10/12/2016 18:50

Ok... So you must feel something for your baby if you think you'll ruin their life by leaving? If you really didn't care wouldn't you have gone already?

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 18:55

Sleeps fine really :)

Bacon tbh it's more what others would think, and I don't want to ruin their life in the same way I don't want to ruin anybody's.

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 10/12/2016 18:59

Ok, well you always have a choice - you may be depressed or you may just really hate motherhood.

Society judges mothers who leave harsher than father's, which I think is really unfair.

I think you'd be sensible to chat to a counsellor about this - at least over the phone - as it's a big decision.

If you left, would you visit? Have a relationship with the child? Or make a clean break?

Is there a reason you can't chat to a counsellor?

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 19:03

I can't leave, this is what I mean, I'm trapped. I can't afford a counsellor.

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 10/12/2016 19:09

It's free via your GP, or most areas have low cost private counselling for those on benefits, or telephone counselling is often free (PND helplines) or lower cost if you have a Google.

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 19:10

I'm not on benefits, and it's not free. Long waiting list and 6 sessions.

OP posts:

Rixera · 10/12/2016 19:11

I hate being a mum too (as I said on another thread). I hate it! My daughter was boring and tiring and it showed how much my partner is basically a selfish spoilt manchild. I hated him, her, everything, but was a fantastic mum to baby anyway because that's what she deserves.

My daughter is now 18 months. She's talking and being genuinely funny. It's still rubbish, but I've got this amusing little person who engages more, expresses more, is starting to be helpful, communicative, etc.

It wasn't pnd. I just hated it! And now I don't hate it as much. I thought I would. I still hate the mummy bits. But they get fewer and less draining and you have more opportunities to be your non-mumsy self.

It's okay- just don't make any huge decisions yet.

corythatwas · 10/12/2016 19:15

If you are sure you aren't depressed and don't have PND, how can you be sure you are going to dislike your baby when he's older? He might turn out to be a really nice person. They do develop their own personalities. Or do you dislike absolutely every person you know?

It might help if you tried to untangle what exactly you dislike about the situation now. Is it the actual work of caring for the baby? Is it being at home? Is it the responsibility? Is it the sheer boredom of the baby? Is it the restrictions on your time/freedom? Is it the belief that you have to feel some wonderful rush of emotion every time you look at the baby and if you don't you've failed? (truth is, lots of very good parents don't)

If it is depression and you don't get help, yes then that feeling of hopelessness might stay with you. But a baby isn't going to stay a baby, with the needs of a baby, for very long at all.

SaltyBitch · 10/12/2016 19:15

I think Rixera has it spot on.

Does your baby do anything that brings you any joy?

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 19:17

Being at home
Responsibility
Feeling badgered all the time
Just feeling like I don't want him round me.

OP posts:

HaveNoSocks · 10/12/2016 19:18

Did you tell your GP exactly how you're feeling? You should qualify for counselling. There can be all kinds of reasons why bonding might be delayed and I don't think you should rule out depression unless you've seen a professional who specialises in PND. Is there any local support for mothers with babies?

Original poster

aquabluepool · 10/12/2016 19:20

I think from what I've read I might have attachment disorder.

OP posts:

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