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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying at my Nan's with a baby?

26 replies

Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 16:34

Hi, quick background. Went to live with my Nan and Uncle after leaving my ex partner - my old house was in his name. Met current fiancé and things have never been better - he truly gives meaning to the saying 'when one door closes, another one opens'.

We don't live together - saving for a mortgage so having to stay with family for now. Am now pregnant - again, saving for mortgages so don't want to rent.

We both agree it's best if we leave apart for another's 18 months. After that, will have the cash to put a decent deposit down for a house.

AIBU to ask Nan if baby and me can stay at her property until we're sorted? My uncle works during the day but is there in the evenings - he's my only real worry as I don't want him losing sleep. He's 48.

My Nan is away Monday to Friday helping with childcare.

What do you think?

Really don't want to rent Sad

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 09/12/2016 16:36

Ask your nan and uncle. Am sure they'll love to have you stay with them

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 16:37

Might be worth adding Uncle is very antisocial - lovely but hates social interaction.

He likes it just being us and the cat... we keep out of each other's hair. Baby might complicate that

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 16:39

I would just ask both nan and uncle what they think. Wouldn't your partner want to live with his baby though once it's born. I can understand wanting to save for a deposit but once the baby is actually here I can't imagine other parent voluntarily missing out on that early year.

corythatwas · 09/12/2016 16:42

What HaveNoSocks said: are you going to deprive your partner of the time to bond with his baby- and the baby of being looked after by its father? Is this man actually going to be your partner in any real meaning of the word? And if so, why do you not want to be together during what is arguably the most important time of laying your foundations as a family?

Can't imagine a situation where house-owning would be more important to us than dh's relationship to our children.

Lewwat · 09/12/2016 16:43

Where does your DP currently live?

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 16:46

Yeah we both establish a ground rule that he'll be up every Friday evening, or I'll be up every Friday evening and spend the weekend together.

We're aware it's not ideal but we are prepared to make some sacralises for a change at a better foundation.

DP will always see baby, and call every day etc.

If we rent now, we'll never have our own family home in the nearisb future

OP posts:
KlingybunFistelvase · 09/12/2016 16:48

Each to their own and all that but if it were me, I'd have to say I agree with havenosock. DH and I had had our DC when we were still renting. It was fine! Great in fact.

Is there room for you where your DP lives?

Re your nan and uncle, you probably need to ask them if they are happy with it.

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 16:48

DP lives in Bedfordshire - I live in London

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 16:50

Personally I'd prioritise day to day contact with the baby over buying a house. I also needed the help with the baby from my partner once he got home from work. Is there no chance you could live wherever your partner is now?

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 16:53

Hi all, no chance we could live where he is now - too small and his DM is somewhat hostile with this type of thing.

I don't see why baby's relationship with Dad would be comprised, I only ever saw my Dad (from birth) every other week but trust and love him like he was always there. Always have. But yes, it's sad DP might miss out on his firsts like walking/first words

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 17:52

Also, childcare is so incredibly expensive where I live - DP wants me to get my Nan to come help me with baby instead of helping my Mum with her school aged children Grin

Yes, I agree. He has a right cheek!

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 18:57

Of course your baby will love it's dad even seeing him only at the weekend but the daily contact is a huge help in that early bonding. With babies I found the more one on one time the more bonded my DS would be. I also think my DH would hate to be away from our DS for so long and I really needed his support.

HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 18:57

Don't need to be negative, if it's unavoidable you'll manage and I'm sure it'll be OK just describing how I would have felt when my DS was tiny.

Blueskyrain · 09/12/2016 19:03

How would you feel if your baby went to live with your partner and you just saw your child at weekends, and made phone calls? If you wouldn't like it, or think its a silly idea, it's just as bad the other way round.

If you have to rent for a bit, it's not the end of the world.

BasinHaircut · 09/12/2016 19:08

How exactly is the OP depriving her partner of his child? It's a mutual decision and FWIW I think it's a very sensible one too.

No it's not ideal for them to live apart, especially in the early days, but getting a deposit for a house together is important too.

KlingybunFistelvase · 09/12/2016 19:14

It sounds like the DP is getting a pretty good deal to me! Free childcare from the OP's nan, not having to pay anything towards accommodation for their DC (I'm guessing the OP plans to live rent free as she wants to save for a deposit), not having to help with the baby for most of the week. I don't feel at all sorry for him TBH.

I'm assuming the OP's nan is one of those lovely people who really doesn't mind helping out, which is really lucky for the DP. Cheeky indeed!

Yoarchie · 09/12/2016 19:17

Regarding your uncle who you describe as not liking social interaction, he might get on well with a baby as babies don't judge you or talk back. If he likes sitting with the cat on his lap, he might like to do it with a baby.

SingaSong12 · 09/12/2016 19:28

OP are your nan and uncle both people who would honestly tell you if you staying with the baby would be too stressful or they don't want it for whatever reason, or would they feel an obligation to family? If they aren't happy with the arrangement at least at the start then there may be resentment even if they do their best to hide it.

Practical things to think about -
You say your nan does childminding so she may have an idea of what babies and potentially a toddler is like. Does you uncle have that kind of experience?

if your man is looking after children all week she may not be able to provide that much support (how does she spend time at weekends now?). Therefore you need to imagine what it will be like if there are weekends when your DP isn't there so you'll be pretty much a single parent from a practical point of view.

What sort of age were you planning to start going to your partner as that's going to be quite an undertaking or will he come up every weekend? Is there space for some of his stuff at your place?

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 20:05

I think they'd both feel an obligation to the family - but I don't want them to do it for me for that reason alone Sad

If we rent, it won't just be 'for a little while'. As many of you know, renting is hard to escapee from.

I'm trying to make the best of this as I can. I know at times it'll be tough but it feels like an adventure of sorts - an exciting time every Friday, going to see daddy on a big train(S).

Sing Uncle is really good with children, although after a while he does like to revert to the comfort of his room

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 20:08

Sing Not sure what age I'll start going up to him instead of it being the opposite way round. I feel we have a lot more privacy at his DM because it's more closed off, if you get my drift, although it is smaller.

There isn't much space for my stuff as it is but we'll make room.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 09/12/2016 20:08

So your nan is away Monday to Friday helping your mum with childcare and you want your DP to come up at a weekend when she comes home?

It sounds a bit unfair on your nan to be honest, especially if you think she will say yes because she feels she ought to.

If you do stay with her you need to pay her rent.

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 20:11

Pottering Who says I'm not paying rent? I always have.

DP will only be up at weekends when DC is tiny and long travelling isn't really practical with a newborn. She'll have her peace within a short space of time, although she'll often pester that she doesn't get to see GGC often enough

OP posts:
eggyface · 09/12/2016 20:14

Omg the idea of saying to DH that I could manage on childcare if he just called every so often and came up at weekends! You might have a baby that literally does not let you sleep at all for, say, a month. Why would you not want to have DP there, to take the baby, share the load, give you previous hours to have a bath or whatever?
Maybe in your family everyone mucks in, nan helps mum etc. But it isn't your nan's baby and ultimately you AND your partner should do most of the care.
Don't underestimate how hard work it will be.

KlingybunFistelvase · 09/12/2016 20:23

I'm a bit confused now OP; you would pay rent to your nan and I'm guessing your DP pays rent where he lives... but you won't rent a place together, as you want to save money?

Original poster
Goodonyou · 09/12/2016 20:39

I know it'll be hard work, but single mums can do it. At least I have a secure and happy dad and partner too, even if not always there 24/7

Kling obviously the rent we pay to our families isn't that of what we'd be paying to rent a home Confused

OP posts:
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