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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Charitable Giving

27 replies

GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 15:34

I've posted on ethical dilemmas and then noticed that there are posts from two months ago that haven't been answered ... I would really like some advice before bedtime! Blush

as this is aibu - no I don't want a biscuit and no it isn't a stealth boast

I'm so proud of DD6, who with my and DH support has been splitting her pocket money this year 10% charity, 40%saving and 50% free spending.

Today I talked to her about buying some Christmas toys with it for other children who aren't as fortunate as we have been (which isn't hugely fortunate, but I see our standard of living is better than some ATM).

She was beautifully honest with me, but what she said left me almost speechless. She said she was having a hard time wanting to spend it on other people because she wanted it for herself. She wasn't grabby or unkind, she just explained her feelings.

I gave her a hug, and thanked her for being honest about her feelings. I told her I didn't quite know what to say to that and that we could talk about it again later.

Help! Technically it's her money, but we chose an allowance amount that would give her an appropriate amount of weekly spending money and still have enough left over for the savings and charity.

We wanted to help create a habit, not force her to donate or be charitable. How can I encourage her to think of others without forcing it?

OP posts:
OldSaintKnickerless · 09/12/2016 15:43

She's very young to fully understand the concept of charity at the minute. Mine is a year younger and loves to feel like she's made somebody else happy but she only really fully grasps it if the other person is in front of her. She's also really young and still driven a lot by impulse and wanting things for herself which is perfectly normal.

I don't think you can force her to donate though you can say that you aren't willing to give her more spending money if you want, that's your choice as her parent. Or you could try to make the giving more fun in a way - instead of giving her money to donate then take part in things to raise money for charity herself if you have the time to help with something like that?

SheldonsSpot · 09/12/2016 15:47

I think it's too difficult a concept for a 6y/o to grasp.

What might be more age appropriate would be "lets have a sort through your toys and find a few that you don't play with any more that we can give to other children".

DailyFail1 · 09/12/2016 15:48

There's more to charity than donating money. How about donating time instead? Is there anywhere she can volunteer?

AndNowItsSeven · 09/12/2016 15:50

Dd6 is shorthand for your sixth daughter or do you mean she is 6.

Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 15:58

Thank you for the replies. They aren't what I had in mind, as she plays with her toys and I don't think it's fair to get her to give away things she likes and uses.

I wonder if she should just hold off on donating anything from the charity pot unit something relevant comes up where she wants to donate to charity,

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Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 15:59

6yo sorry.

DailyFail1 I agree with your point, but in our situation we are more money rich than time rich at the moment.

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SeparatedByMotorways · 09/12/2016 17:52

If she likes her toys and doesn't want to donate any, and she had some of her 'free choice money' left as well as her charity could you maybe encourage her to visit a toy shop and buy herself something she'd like, and then buy something while she's there that could be donated to a children's centre or something? That way she gets to enjoy the outing, and is able to enjoy spending her money on herself as well as using her 'donating' pot. It might make it a bit more of a fun 6yo friendly activity?

Conversely it might be a terrible idea which reminds her that she would rather spend it all for herself. Feel free to tell me that! Worth a try though?

Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 17:59

That is a good idea, thank you. It also gave me another idea. Maybe suggest she buys a toy she already has and loves to donate so someone else to enjoy too.

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VinoEsmeralda · 09/12/2016 18:05

We give our kids £25 each Christmas to donate to a charity or charities of their choice. They are 11,13 now and started, out of choice, to give pocket money to homeless people and DD also gave £2 p month to a charity that sorted water pumps in Africa.

I think if you do give to charities and they see that they tend to copy that behaviour at some point in their lives.

pklme · 09/12/2016 18:21

Why not wait until a natural opportunity arises when she wants to be generous, and then use the money? So if school is collecting for something, of she sees something on the news which she wants to respond to, she can.

The desire to give needs to come first, I think. In future years, she may well start thinking about who she wants to give the money to. Until then, wait for her to be moved.

Leeds2 · 09/12/2016 18:26

I think I would let her spend her own money on what she wants, because I suspect she didn't understand fully the pocket money agreement that she was entering into!
But you could perhaps persuade her to spend a small amount on something a child would like for the food bank? Sweets/chocolate/tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti as a token donation.

WhisperingLoudly · 09/12/2016 18:31

Agree she's very young to understand this.

My 5 year old goes along with concept but is led very much by her older siblings who didn't really "get" charitable giving until they were 7/8 and that was only when they were confronted with poverty whilst overseas.

Now it's ingrained the older ones often think of others and how they can help but it takes a bit of time I think.

I certainly wouldn't force her to donate. How about encouraging her not to spend the money for now with an assurance that she can spend it if she really wants but it's nice to keep it aside.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 18:31

I think she's a bit young to understand.

Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 19:47

I'm satisfied she understands the concept, she is just being very honest about her very age appropriate egocentrism.

For now she has no problem setting the money to one side (50p/week) so at some point she hopefully will be moved by the needs of others and at that point we will have a wee pot of funds for her to do something with.

I think I had it in my head that this would be the year she would get to experience the joy of giving, and I was looking forward to sharing that with her. But she's not there yet and that is very normal, I will accept that.

Thanks for all the input.

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MoreThanUs · 09/12/2016 19:54

I think what you're trying to encourage in her is brilliant, and we want to do something similar in the future with our DC. However, I think charitable giving needs to be done freely, and I would let your daughter spend / save it for now. As abs when she becomes aware of injustices, you can then point out the value of giving, and she can donate money then (be it 50p or £10 saved up over time). Maybe it's because no cause / charity has resonated with her yet. Once it does, I am sure she will enjoy giving her money to support others.

Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 20:01

Thank you - I am trying to get her into the split habit. So as she doesn't think of a % of income as 'her own' but as 'rainy day' and 'social responsibility'.
I know I'm starting her young, but the saving habit at least should start as soon as income starts, so I figured the social responsibility habit should start then too.

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WaxyBean · 09/12/2016 20:41

At that age I'd focus more on her seeing you doing charitable things - buying things in the supermarket for the food bank, passing on things to the charity shop, buying for Xmas present appeals. I wouldn't force charitable giving or she will become resentful but gently suggest it and accept it if she doesn't want to at this age.

Floralnomad · 09/12/2016 20:52

Its a nice idea but she is very young , are you set on her donating to children or is it anything she chooses , perhaps she would be happy to give the money to the local dogs trust or the donkey sanctuary , I know my DC have always given willingly to animal charities when they were young and my eldest now volunteers with a children's charity and does poppies for the British legion , so it has evolved .

DailyMailyFaily · 09/12/2016 20:59

I think it's too young. I'd just give her money to spend or save and for you to set a good example re giving you charity.

Penhacked · 09/12/2016 21:07

I think expecting her to choose 'me or charity' is a bit like putting a six year old in a room alone with a bowl of sweets and say 'don't eat them until I'm back'. The split is a great idea though. Why not engage her with some adopt a panda/tiger type newsletter to choose from and let her own passions drive her? Even a sub to a charitable magazine or a donation when you go to a museum?

DailyMailyFaily · 09/12/2016 21:22

I think it's hard to encourage children to be charitable without making them feel 'guilty'. I think it's better to encourage charitable giving because it's a nice thing to do rather than being guilt tripped. IYSWIM

Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 21:40

I definitely do you see what you're saying about the guilt thing but I'm not guilting her into anything. As I said in my original post when she told me about these feelings I gave her a hug and thank her for her honesty.

I'm providing her with adequate funds to experience the joy of giving and have some money for herself and some to put aside. I don't think charitable giving is something to feel guilty about.

We've been in positions where we have relied on charity, Now we are in a position where we can give to charity. I don't think anyone should feel guilty about giving or not giving to charity, but being able to give is a gift in itself (to yourself) and one that I want to enable DD to experience.

I really wasn't asking for anyone to question the split system I'm happy with how we are doing that. I'm also happy of DD awareness and understanding that she does get, even if for some reason there are people who think they would get my daughters understanding better than I do just by knowing her age

There have been some lovely suggestions here thank you. I feel a bit better equipped to guide her and I think the bottom line is that it will be when she is ready and not when I want her to be ready - like most of these developmental stages we look forward to!

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Sellotapewillfixit · 09/12/2016 21:48

How about getting her to help you make a charitable decision? 'This Christmas I want to give to a charity that helps some people who may be feeling sad at Christmas. Why do you think people might feel sad?' 'Lonely/sick/homeless/bereaved' 'Yes I agree those people might feel sad, let's look for a charity that might help'. Your money, but her thought. I bet her money would follow in due course.

Original poster
GravyAndShite · 09/12/2016 21:54

Thank you - that's a great idea! She does see me and DH giving but we make those decisions. That's a good way to involve her.

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BackforGood · 09/12/2016 21:57

She's far too young to understand what you are trying to make her do.
At 6, most dc are just working out a little bit about the 'value' of their money - the fact that if they spend their pocket money all at once the won't have it later in the week, The fact that if they want {insert treasure of choice} then they have to not spend their money this week and save up until they have 3 weeks worth of money.
If you want to teach them about giving to others, at this age you show them through your deeds - be that your time, your money (or more literal items such as food to food banks or socks and gloves to homeless charities), or just any other opportunity there is - from poppies to joining in with things like red nose day or giving to collectors in the street.