Nursery ear defenders

[UnserrenderedTroublesAndStrife]

Dd has high functioning autism. Quiet little girl and can present very well, but overloaded can really loose control. Just meeting her you may be surprised at the diagnosis, but those spending time with her would see the anxiety, rigid routines, social difficulties with peers and see her good language skills are not functional in communicating her needs at all (even the most basic like thirst she'd just cry).

She is quite attached to some ear defenders, as much the squeeze as helping to cope with noise overload. She only wears for 15 min or so calm downs.

She's 4 and has just started nursery, first day fineish but the next HUGE meltdown. Hanging off my hair, lying on floor and kicking out at anyone who tried to console her. I offered ear defenders twice explaining they quickly calmed her. I was told after that she calmed after 15min or so when they "realised it was best not to fuss over her" and she played with puzzles. So she didn't interact but isolated, when if she's happy she does. After she said she was "shy" about crying, and she's now hysterical if I say the word nursery at all.

Aibu it's really not that big a deal to let a child start a session with ear defenders even if it's not the norm? She was so excited about nursery, she separates from me just fine. Her siblings did well at this nursery, but I'm thinking it may not be for her...

So they won't let her bring the ear defenders? YANBU - it's not that big a deal. A little boy here had them in reception and Y1 too. Can you have a meeting with the manager?

I can kind of see their point- they probably don't want to single her own amongst her peers with the ear defenders. I'm sure they have to put up with lots of tantrums from many different children, and they probably feel that it's in the intersts of all the children to treat them all the same- give them space and time. And she did very well to get over it and be playing with a puzzle within 15 minutes.
My DC were very embarassed to go back into a school/nursery setting after kicking off, so maybe she feels the same.

They just pop them straight back in her bag on the peg. I think she isn't your typical boy version of autism, she's more likely to just be mute and appear like a shy little girl so no allowances are made. But she can be just as distressed as the child who trashes a room, her last nursery actually thought she had epilepsy as she will freeze rigid on the floor

But she's not playing alone with a puzzle for fun, she's desperate to join the group and do glitter or paint etc but needs support to do so. I know how she presents, but I've explained the case as has an NHS doctor/ speech therapist in the report

She has zero awareness of how others see ear defenders, the other kids have tried them on in play but 2-4 yr olds in a reschool are a bit young for singling out

YANBU, I don't understand why she can't wear ear defenders. She's going to be more singled out from her peers by having meltdowns and feeling too stressed to interact than wearing ear defenders. Kids are quite open minded about that stuff, they might ask why she's wearing them and she can prepare some response "My ears don't like loud places" or whatever and they'll shrug and get on with it. (There's a little boy with a hearing aid in my DS's class and some of the kids were slightly curious for about 2 minutes before promptly losing interest).

I don't think all children should be treated the same regardless of difficulties and disabilities. They should be able to make this minor adjustment to cater for her needs.

Op's dd isn't having a tantrum though Pidlan she is suffering from sensory overload due to her disability.

Of course she should be allowed to use her ear defenders. Talk to nursery and be firm that you want her to be able to use them as and when she needs to.

Sorry Pidlan, the child has a diagnosis. That means she is different to the other children. The OP's post quite clearly says that she then went on to play with puzzles alone. Young children with an ASC would like to play with their peers and want to learn. What the nursery have done in fact is further isolate her.
OP, Get the nursery to use the defenders, specific written instructions. If they fail to follow, move your dd to a nursery that listens to your instructions. I hope your dd feels better, and safer, soon.

Since she presents so well it might be that the school feel like you're exaggerating her difficulties. Particularly because it's not unusual for NT kids to have meltdowns at that age so they're possibly perceiving her as within the average range when that's not actually the case.

Yes, definitely she should be allowed to wear ear defenders. The staff could gently try and coax them off her, but they should not be removed until she felt comfortable removing them.

Equality does not mean treating everyone the same, it means treating everyone according to their needs. Of course they should let her wear the ear defenders.

I think yes that's confusing them, funnily ear aids were mentioned. She has some but refuses them...makes it very hard to then explain the noise sensitivity.

messaged you op.

I should add that that should hold true for all children, diagnosis or not.

She pops them off herself within 10-15min, no issue at all with over use

My DD had a differentiated start to her day in relation to her peers in nursery year - she wasn't diagnosed at that stage. She went in before her class, whilst the room was quiet so she didn't get pushed around and overwhelmed by other children. Her peg was at the end of the row, for similar reasons and her tray was at the top again to limit her physical contact - reduce the anxiety. Have the nursery discussed reasonable adjustments with you?

DD had, and still has, a very special toy that she keeps in her bag because when she gets overwhelmed she really gets overwhelmed - sounds like you know that one. It works for her and the staff that have seen how inconsolable she becomes respect that she keeps this out of site in her bag and they can get it on those, fortunately now rare, occurrences its needed. A pop up small tent was another suggestion that one of her therapists made that would enable zone out time when overwhelmed.

My elder DS also HFA has ear defenders and has used them since a young age in school - it's a reasonable adjustment due to disability. He also needed full time support so was seen as disabled more than DD who retreats into herself, rather than reacts verbally and physically.

DS also has BOSE headphones with the noise cancel function which whilst incredibly expensive (especially as he breaks them) are amazing at blocking out the world and helping him calm down.

I think this shows the nursery aren't understanding the meaning of equality. It doesn't mean treating all children the same but enabling all children to have the same opportunities. If your DD needs ear defenders to help her then they should let her wear them, we would in our nursery. In my experience they will be an object of envy not derision from the other children. I would go and speak to the nursery manager about it.

They clearly don't understand autism or sensory difficulties.

My ds is 4 and has asd and learning difficulties. He attends nursery and has an ehcp. Part of his ehcp is that they must make allowances for his sensory difficulties including ear defenders and a quiet space away from the group whenever he needs it. This is pretty standard for any child with asd and sensory difficulties regardless of whether they have an ehcp or not.

Yanbu. Fight her corner. You clearly know what's happening for her, they need to listen to you.

YANBU.

The other kids might see the ear defenders as unusual at first but will soon get used to it - and the staff should be guiding/encouraging others to accept them like this.

It's no different to a kid coming in in their new glasses and should be treated as such.

pidlan nice ignorant response there.

OP I am firmly of the belief that you as parent decide what your child needs, not he nursery. They should be working with you, not against you. I would be right In to speak to the nursery manager to sort that out.

As part of creative play the nursery could get hard hats, ear defenders and hi-vis jackets so the children can all join in with pretend play construction site.

YANBU to expect nursery to cooperate with your DDs care plan. The ear defenders are part of the plan, they help with transitions between environments and for times of clam.

Nursery SENCO and your DDs key worker need to support your DD.

Pidlan I don't even know what to say about your reply to be honest. So much ignorance in one post!

A meltdown is not the same as a tantrum.

My son has asd (he is 9 though) and quite often wears ear defenders in school.
Is there an asd advisery service in your area? Sounds like the nursery could do with some (gentle) words about how your dd asd effects her as an individual.