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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to remember?

52 replies

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 09/12/2016 09:22

My DM died a year ago today. It was very sudden and the worst 48 hours of my life.

DH hasn't remembered. He was very cheery with me this morning, making plans for this evening etc.

Even my work colleagues remembered despite the fact I haven't mentioned it to anyone. Is it really too much to at least expect an acknowledgment of how shit I feel from my DH?

I'm probably just being over sensitive but it's really upset me.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 09/12/2016 09:23

Some people are not very good with dates. Do tell him that you're struggling. :( Sorry to hear about losing your mum.

TallyHoAndToodlePip · 09/12/2016 09:29

Really sorry for your loss

Some people are also bad at remembering the dates that loved ones died. I know I am. I don't mean to be but they don't stick in my mind. Maybe subconsciously I'd rather not remember such a sad day?

Tell your husband what day it is and I bet he'll kick himself and bend over backwards to do whatever he can to help you through.

Namechangebitch · 09/12/2016 09:33

Sorry for your loss

However, why didn't you just say something? It shouldn't be a trap or a test. I can barely remember my DC's birthdays. Dates and numbers mean nothing to me it doesn't mean I don't care.

You DH has forgotten the date - a number - not the event or the emotion.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/12/2016 09:35

Sorry for your loss

I agree with PP some people just don't remember the dates loved ones died. I remind DH if its the anniversary of one of my parents death as I don't expect him to remember. I would send him a text reminding him of the significance of the day. I bet he will be kicking himself.

Be very kind to yourself today.

HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 09:37

I am so sorry. Some people don't attach much meanings to dates so for him the fact that it happened exactly a year ago might not hold much meaning. I do't think it necessarily translates into lack of consideration. I would be upfront and let him know you're struggling.

Laiste · 09/12/2016 09:39

Sorry for your loss

Maybe it would be better if you had said something closer to the day to avoid this happening. You're kind of setting yourself up for more upset pinning your hopes on someone remembering the date. I mean this very kindly, as i know it's hard when you're upset.

My DH wouldn't be able to tell you the date my father died, but if i asked him to he would happily do anything i asked to help me get through the day. Let your DH help you, tell him it's the anniversary and you need support.

Inthenick · 09/12/2016 09:39

I never remember dates and I know I've upset my mum by forgetting my aunts anniversary of her death, granny's, my aunts birthday, her wedding anniversary, my grandparents wedding anniversary..... I'm sorry but the dates don't stick but I do know they are tough days for her. I guess I need to sit down and put the all in my phone for reminders.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 09:40

I'm awful with dates and don't remember the anniversaries of the deaths of my own relatives! I am sure he didn't mean to ignore it and has just honestly forgotten.

user1471517900 · 09/12/2016 09:41

He also presumably saw you every day through the whole thing. The day itself might be a bit of a blur as there might have been weeks/months before and after where he was a support.

At work they'll perhaps remember more that you weren't in for that week near Christmas last year so that specific time springs to mind more easily.

chickenowner · 09/12/2016 09:41

I can just imagine my DP being unaware of something like this, and would need to be reminded a few days before. I'm sure that your DH is the same and would be mortified to think that he'd upset you.

So sorry for your loss.

BadToTheBone · 09/12/2016 09:41

I remember everyone's birthday but couldn't tell you a single day anyone died, it's a mental block for me. Just tell him.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 09/12/2016 09:42

Sorry for your loss Do say to him. Some people are awful with dates. I even get my own and DD's birthdays wrong sometimes! It doesn't mean he doesn't care

user1471517900 · 09/12/2016 09:43

Apologies I didn't read Op properly but there would still have been time afterwards (just not before) where he was a huge support.

As previous posters have said, don't turn this into something more. Just say to him and get his support. There is nothing at all gained by quietly seething.

Petalbird · 09/12/2016 09:43

Agreed dates are very hard for me to recall. I have to ask my dad every year what month is his birthday I only know the day number as it's the same as mine. And tbh if you are off to work I only remember when I get in what day it is after looking at my timetable

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 09/12/2016 09:48

My husband lost his young nephew tragically last year. I remembered the anniversary, he didn't. He absolutely cares but he's just not the kind of person to dwell on (or remember) dates.

I'm really sorry for your loss but I really wouldn't let your husband not remembering the date make the day even more upsetting than it's already going to be

scottishdiem · 09/12/2016 09:51

Sorry for your loss. To be fair the only death date I remember was my Dads partner who dad on his 70th birthday. And thats why I remember it. No clue about any other of my deceased relatives (months and years maybe) on either side.

Text him to say you are having a bad day because of the memory and arrange for a takeaway and some alcohol of choice for tonight where you can cuddle up together. To be honest, once you remind him he may well be mortified that he didn't remember.

scottishdiem · 09/12/2016 09:52

*who died

Oops. Sorry.

Theoretician · 09/12/2016 09:52

Until I came on Mumsnet, I had no idea that anniversaries of deaths were a thing.

I don't even do birthdays, my own let alone anyone else's, so no chance I'm going to do deaths.

If someone were looking at me as though I'm cruel for "not remembering", I'd be looking back at them thinking they are a bit weird, and not very sensible, for choosing to feel sad in response to a date on calendar.

Original poster

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 09/12/2016 09:53

Thank you. You're all right and I will just remind him - I think I just needed a common sense check. I know I'm being an over sensitive idiot!

It wasn't something I'd have argued with him about or anything, by the way, but it wouldn't stop me quietly being upset lol.

I'll get it out in the open so he gets the significance to me. Stupid isn't it how one measly date can send you back to when it first flipping happened.

OP posts:

gleam · 09/12/2016 09:55

Sorry for your loss.
Don't be too hard on your dh. I don't even remember when my dad died. I tend to think of him on his birthday.

Dagnabit · 09/12/2016 09:59

Sorry for your loss

I'm sure your dh will be supportive when he realises/is told; be kind to yourself today

Purplebluebird · 09/12/2016 10:00

Sorry for your loss

I think some people are not good with remembering dates. I don't actually know which date my mum died (almost 3 years ago) because I refused to look at the calendar, so that I wouldn't think about it every year on that day. That is probably very strange, but it was a coping thing with me (I was very pregnant and not working at the time, so I didn't have to know the date). I know it was around the 16th, perhaps on the 16th.

It's hard though, you have my sympathies. Unmumsnetty x for you.

PensionOutOfReach · 09/12/2016 10:04

Well dates are quite hard to remember sometimes yes.
But this isnt something that happened that long ago and it must have stuck in his mind too as I assume he was very much part of it, not the least because he supported you at the time??

But I really dont think you are an 'an over sensitive idiot'. Would you DH not think you are insensitive if things were the other way around? Wouldn't you go out of your way to find away to remember the dates for him (incl writing it on the calendar, putting a message on your phone etc..)

Theoretician I do hope that you realise how insensitive your comment is.
The OP isn't talking about a random family member, someone she wasn't close or hasnt seen for ages.
She is talking about her mum and an unexpected death (I will assume something like an accident and certainly a traumatic event).
I really dont think its on to say 'why would you chose to be sad on a certain day on the calendar?' Would you also dare saying that to a mum who has lost a child?? Its just a date, why are you sad?

PensionOutOfReach · 09/12/2016 10:07

Btw I get that people do remember people in different ways. But remembering someone close on the day they have died isn't unusual.
Surely, the first thing you do when its about your DP, is to at least check how they are feeling??
It might be that its no big deal. Or maybe it is and then you will be there for that partner.

Laiste · 09/12/2016 10:07

You're not being an idiot OP. You're just understandably very sensitive right now.

I had a thread recently where i was upset with DH about something much more trivial and i was much closer to being idiotic - but lots of posters were still kind :)

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