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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to remember?

52 replies

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 09/12/2016 09:22

My DM died a year ago today. It was very sudden and the worst 48 hours of my life.

DH hasn't remembered. He was very cheery with me this morning, making plans for this evening etc.

Even my work colleagues remembered despite the fact I haven't mentioned it to anyone. Is it really too much to at least expect an acknowledgment of how shit I feel from my DH?

I'm probably just being over sensitive but it's really upset me.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/12/2016 10:08

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to have hoped he would remember - but if he's usually shit with dates (birthdays, anniversary etc.) then it was probably unreasonable to have expected him to remember.

I don't think DH has a clue what date my mother died - and it was only shortly after our wedding and just prior to a big birthday for me. Just doesn't stick in his head. But then, to be fair, I don't remember the date his dad died either (although that was several years before I knew him!)

FurryLittleTwerp · 09/12/2016 10:09

I'm sure my DH doesn't know the date of my late father's death - if asked he'd probably remember it was some time in February 2012, but that would be it. He can't remember dates at all really.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/12/2016 10:13

Stupid isn't it how one measly date can send you back to when it first flipping happened.

Not stupid at all, sometimes the numbness wears off so you do feel the ache later on.

MrsJayy · 09/12/2016 10:14

I did this the year after mil died i didnt mean to but the whole time she was ill the dates were a blur remind your husband im sure he isn't being insensitive .

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 09/12/2016 10:17

Sorry for your loss OP.
So people, what are you excuses for not adding reminder dates in your phones etc.

user1471517900 · 09/12/2016 10:23

Buttered - I'm not sure when I would write it in. It's not like I'd go "oh someone has died, better stick that in the calendar to remember this in a year". It might indeed go in now, when he's been reminded, but before then I doubt I'd remember to write it in. It would seem a touch insensitive to do it when it's actually happening.

MrsJayy · 09/12/2016 10:27

Urm its not exactly a date you stick on your calender as a text reminder, the day my mil died me and dd2 had D&V bug dh was distraught as he had just left the hospital when they phoned him to go back i had no clue what day it was far less date

BadToTheBone · 09/12/2016 10:33

Buttered no way would I ever put a dod into my phone, just no no no, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know we're all different and if that's what others do then that's fine. We all do what we need to do to get by and that's good for me.

Popularcontrarian · 09/12/2016 10:34

As it is your mum's first year anniversary I'm surprised that he has forgotten, particularly as you say it was sudden and very traumatic for you. If it was a few years ago it would be another thing, but the first year anniversary is significant. You're no where near healed after a year (you never heal imo).

Do you talk about your mum a lot in day to day conversation? If she's not talked about much maybe that would explain how he forgot. I'm sure it's just a case of him momentarily forgetting and I would say it to him.

I'm sorry for you loss, it's so hard losing a parent . Take care.

heron98 · 09/12/2016 10:35

I am sorry for your loss but I do think YABU and a little unfair on your DP. Give him the chance to be sympathetic and loving, don't set him up to fail. You can mention the date and how you feel and I am sure he will be there for you.

Popularcontrarian · 09/12/2016 10:38

Also to add: the horrible thing about losing someone close to you is that while people can empathise, many people will let you down and will do and say the wrong things.

I've lost a couple of friends after losing my dad. Some people just don't get it because they either don't want to and can't handle it, or because they haven't been through it themselves and don't know how to cope with it. But I understand, it's very hard not to internalise it when other people are insensitive.

Talking to your husband is your best bet here.

Monkeybunkey · 09/12/2016 10:39

Sorry for your loss. It's three years today since my mum died and my DP didn't mention it this morning. He's terrible with dates though (it's me that remembers when his dad died, for example). Try not to let it upset you.

Namechangebitch · 09/12/2016 10:46

I don't understand if you are going to be upset why not tell him?

"Remember what date it is, I may need a little help please"

Why is there a test, remember or fail? Communicate how you feel and everybody feels better. You are upset because he didn't remember, he will be upset and a difficult day is worse. Just tell him.

NavyandWhite · 09/12/2016 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman · 09/12/2016 10:51

My parents died in the last few years.

I honestly don't remember either date. I remember the month obvs, and the time of the month I.e. middle, late.

But I don't know the actual dates and didn't even that first year after. A family member had to remind me.

You would think that dates like that are emblazoned on your mind forever. But I found I was in too much of a whirl to note the date. My head was a mess each time and I didn't give a shit about the date. And so the dates never "got stuck".

So please don't be too mad.

TheNaze73 · 09/12/2016 11:34

DOD entries in the phone???

FFS. Really??

Sorry for your loss OP. Different people react in different ways. He's not gone out of his way to be insensitive

PensionOutOfReach · 09/12/2016 11:59

I have to say, it's only on her that I hear people saying that it's OK for people to insensitive because y U know 'it's ok to forget dates.

So it's OK to forget the 1st birthday of the death of Your MIL. After all, she was just yu R MIL, who cares right?
What is it also ok to forget? The date of your wedding? The date of your partner's birthday?

The point isn't whether you forgot the exact date of your mum death.
The point is that the DH forgot an important date for his dw. It's the fact he hasn't been sensitive enough to pick that one up (I would be surprised that the OP was all cheery these last few days to become very sad and down today because she suddenly remembered iyswim).
It's the fact he has to be too because poor him, he couldn't have guessed himself.

A good friend has lost her mum in September. I wasn't close to her mum but I do know because every year she is quite down at that time of the year. A friend of mine had a still birth in July. I remember too.
Isnt that what people do when they care about someone? Knowing what is making them happy and what is a really sad time/thing for them?

To me it just read as an excuse. When things really matter to you, you do find a way to remember.

PensionOutOfReach · 09/12/2016 12:00

Ça someone tell me what is so awful about putting the date of the anniversary written down somewhere if you can not possibly remember that date?
How can it be worse than ignoring and hurting the person who is grieving?

Popularcontrarian · 09/12/2016 12:35

Isnt that what people do when they care about someone? Knowing what is making them happy and what is a really sad time/thing for them?

Spot on Pension, when you care you remember, to me it's as simple as that.

TheTantrumCometh · 09/12/2016 12:38

I'm so sorry for your loss

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/12/2016 12:43

I often forget the anniversary of my DH's death even though I still think of him most days. I particularly think of him on our anniversary and his birthday. The day he died is just a date. He could have died the day before or a month later. It's his absence I think about, not when he went.

Helpme9 · 09/12/2016 12:48

I think you should tell him OP. He will want to be there for you. Thinking of you

Namechangebitch · 09/12/2016 12:54

And I don't understand again. The dates really matter to you. OK I don't share that but if it matters it matters. So TELL the person who might forget so they don't forget. Don't turn it into a ' how much do you love me game'.
Communicate.

Original poster

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 09/12/2016 14:04

Thank you for the support/sympathy for the most part.

It dawned on me that he forgot his family members birthday this week until I reminded him so it's clearly not personal!

I suppose it was always going to be a difficult day but I'm not going to make it any worse

OP posts:

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 09/12/2016 14:21

Well, I'm still in the Stone Age, I have a regular paper calendar, every year I get a new one, look through the old one and put the birthdays/anniversary's on it. Now people grieve in different ways, fair enough, if they don't want to put the deaths on to be reminded, but why not the birthdays so they aren't forgotten. Every flipping year the same people either send them late or don't bother, it's boring and thoughtless.
As someone up thread said, if you care enough you'll remember. Rant over. Ps I'm not sure how the reminder dates in the phones work but if it reminds you a week before say, plenty of time to buy and post, why is that so difficult.

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