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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To utterly fucking hate myself.

56 replies

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 22:10

Name changed.

I absolutely fucking hate myself right now. DH recently lost his df (leaving his dm a widow) and the funeral was last week.

I don't know where to start as don't want to inadvertently drip feed.

Tried to have an adult conversation with dh about recent pa behaviours of his family towards me. Most recent was at the funeral where certain distant relatives and friends of the family (some of which I had never even met until the funeral) totally snubbed me even when I was being introduced to them by DH. I found this extremely humiliating, puzzling and feel totally ashamed (not quite totally puzzling as we have become aware over the years his parents lie about us to others and again this has also gone unchallenged). DH said he had noticed and felt embarrassed & hurt himself but feels 'powerless' to do anything about it as going nc is not an option.

Backstory is his parents never wanted him to marry again, after being divorced several years previously. They said it wasn't personal, they didn't want him to marry anyone. Nonetheless it set the tone and we have endured years of pa behaviour towards me by his siblings and parents, this has always being tolerated by dh.

Couple of times we have very nearly split over it. But I'm a very forgiving person and have endeavoured to put the crap behind me and get along with them all.

Fast forward to tonight and I brought up how hurt I felt at being stonewalled and blanked at df in laws funeral. I said it wasn't appropriate to discuss with family now as everyone grieving, but we/I needed to in the future. He again repeated what he'd said before about him feeling 'powerless' and going nc not an option. I said his family treat me how they do because they have been allowed too. I said for some couples that would be a deal breaker. He then accused me of threatening to leave him (not my intention).

He started shouting (which I hate as we live in a terrace type house) and asked him to stop shouting. He then stormed upstairs whist muttering something about his df having died and to leave him alone.

I gave him an hour then went to him to see if he wanted anything and to apologise for being insensitive. Again he started shouting, so I did say 'I'm off, this isn't healthy'.

Now I feel totally shite, a total fucking nob head for not parking my feelings. I feel if there was an easy way to go to sleep and not wake up I'd be up for it. I'm a pathetic, cowardly, stupid fucking wank stain and I really hate myself.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 08/12/2016 23:24

Italiangreyhound Maybe you're right. But I can't get my head around a situation where someone I love and married could begin to put themselves first when I'd lost a parent. I just can't. It's not even about HIM really - it's about his family and their behaviour. Does anyone really think that now is a good time for him to re-evaluate how he deals with anything?

If my DP had reacted in this way to my DDad's death then I'd have left him without a backward glance, whether I was being 'reasonable' in his eyes or not. I needed support from him and I got it, in spades. I love him even more for that. But I would have slowly hated him for making it a more difficult time for me.

Original poster
BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:27

I totally agree with you Rouge'. It was extremely selfish of me to bring up my own feelings at a time like this. I included in my apology to dh that I had been a totally selfish shit and that I felt ashamed of my behaviour.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 08/12/2016 23:28

Dotforshort is right in what she says. But you're probably worn out and stressed a bit too. What happened (as in your row) is done. You've apologised, try and put it behind you. In the near future try and have a deep breath and remember he's grieving before you get angry at something - ask yourself whether it could wait a bit..

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/12/2016 23:30

Maybe it was the wrong time to raise the issue, but the fact that your DH's relatives are snubbing you and he feels 'powerless' to do anything about it is a problem, and it is his problem rather than, or as well as, yours. He should have been supporting you and he hasnt been. your feelings have been ignored for a long time. This wasn't just about the funeral, it has been going on for years, and it is not something you should have to put up with. His reaction was extreme in my view too - and he should apologise for the shouting and storming, which was uncalled for.

Original poster
BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:35

Italian, sorry for your loss. Yes grief affects us all differently. I'm grieving too, but 'Tatty' is right. What I tried to discuss with DH was totally out of order. I will count my lucky stars if he doesn't leave me over this.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 23:44

Bushy sorry I just saw about your rape as a teenager. I am so sorry. I had not seen this.

Ease pursue the counselling for all the above. Be nice to you. You deserve to be treated with care.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 23:47

Tatty but you are not the OP's husband, and you don't know what she has endured at the hands of his family, and neither do I. So it is not the same as the loss of your father. If you read all the thread you may see the OP is very fragile right now. Her dh has not helped this by putting up with his wife being treated this way.

And the OP knows it was the wrong time to say it. So why rub salt into wounds? It is only the OP reading here. Not her dh.

Original poster
BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:49

Thank you again Italian'. I realise seeing Michele on TV talk about her own experience was definitely a trigger for me today.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 23:53

If he leaves you he is a fool.

I agree 're the bed, sleep in the bed next to him.

You ha e apologised. You failed him for a moment, he has been faoling you for years. So please please stop with the shame. You slipped up under pressure.

Allow him to grieve.

If, in the future, he cannot go No contact, you decide if that is ok with you. If it is ok but you cannot cope with string them, you go no contact. Age will give way to youth. Time will pass. Make room for yourself on this .marriage. Flowers No more talk of shame, if you must use the s word say Sorry or it's all so shitty, but no more shame.

Original poster
BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:58

Such kindly worded and empathic replies. I'm blubbing like a baby. I agree about going to bed rather than sleep on sofa. I did ask DH earlier when I apologised if I could come to bed and he said yes. I need to get my crying under control first. I don't want to cause dh any further distress.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 09/12/2016 00:00

park the self pity Hmm

bushy. You have apologised. Bad timing, maybe, but you've experienced your own trauma today - a trigger like that can bring the most horrific feelings flooding back in an instant. Tomorrow is another day. Please don't beat yourself up. Ok, so your DH wasn't in the best place to discuss his family's treatment of you today, but if he had taken a stance and spoken up for you a while back, this situation wouldn't have arisen. You need support. You have been through a horrific ordeal and it has left you vunerable. I hope you do find a space outside the marriage to talk about what you have experienced. Forgive yourself, and be kind to yourself. Flowers

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/12/2016 00:08

You aren't the first and you won't be the last to have conflicting experiences visited upon you on the same day. Misery often travels with a friend. Your troubles are real and valid but your dh' s are new. You've been the bigger person and accepted tonight is not the time. Go to bed. Let the dust settle and maybe talk some more about teenage you to us or specialists Flowers

YorkiesGlasses · 09/12/2016 00:17

Your feelings are valid too, whatever the situation. Personally I'd be directing all my 'wow's at the family members who decided to play a game of 'who can snub the grieving son's wife hardest' at the funeral.

But in future, no maybe he can't/won't go NC and that's his prerogative. But YOU can. You can choose not to see them, not to speak to them, and to go out if they come to your home. Don't be a punch bag for these people just because they bizarrely decided he wasn't allowed to get married again.

Ohyesiam · 09/12/2016 00:20

Please don't be so though on yourself.

I've not read the whole thread, but I don't see why dh thinks the only two options are put up with any old shit from his family, or go nc. There are lots of shades of grey inrush that just involve communicating.

When the grief has settled, he will be less defensive.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/12/2016 00:24

Are you often like this with close relatives -- nice, then slowly becoming more and more angry, then exploding, then feeling overcome with guilt (to quite an extreme extent)?

Interesting2Me · 09/12/2016 00:31

Are you often like this with close relatives -- nice, then slowly becoming more and more angry, then exploding, then feeling overcome with guilt (to quite an extreme extent)?

This is a great question. I knew you seem sorry but the level of your self reproach (I hate myself, I am terrible) does also seem a little bit calculated to draw attention yet again away from your DH.

He somehow is still having to comfort you despite him actually being the one grieving.

YorkiesGlasses · 09/12/2016 00:32

That's a very passive-aggressive question WhatsGoingOnEh.

She's being punished by an entire family because she's guilty of the crime of someone wanting to marry her. it's ridiculous. And her DH won't stand up for her. His father's funeral wasn't going to be the place it finally happened, but it's not out of order for her to mention the issue a week later. She's clearly shocked that they'd carry on with the game of hating her even when a family member was being buried.

Lynnm63 · 09/12/2016 00:32

I think you're being a little hard on yourself. So you were insensitive, if my dh left me every time one of us messed up we'd have been married about a month. It may not have been the best time to raise it but you must sort this out when the rawness of grief has passed. Your mil is a widow now and your dh may be more involved with her or may expect you to be. If you mil cannot be civil to you then he needs to grow a pair and stand up for you. I'm not saying this needs to be tomorrow or go nc but he needs to tell his mum that being civil to you is the bare minimum for your company.
Finally if he won't stand up for you there is no reason why you need to have any contact with them. He and your DC if you have them can spend time with them but they can't make you.

Hidingtonothing · 09/12/2016 00:33

You made a mistake in bringing up his family's treatment of you at the wrong time. We all make mistakes, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you're not worthy of your DH's love and understanding. You've apologised and accepted responsibility for what you did, that's all you can or should do in this situation and beating yourself up about it is pointless and unnecessary.

Your timing was bad but your feelings are valid. At some point you do need to revisit the issue with DH's family and decide a way forward which doesn't involve you being made to feel bad, that's not an unfair request to make of your husband.

I can totally empathise with Michele's speech today being a trigger. The same thing happened to me aged 13 so I totally feel for you both. The effect that has on your self esteem and view of yourself is incredibly far reaching and seeing that on tv today will undoubtedly have affected the way you've reacted to and dealt with everything else. Give yourself a break, it's been a horrible day all round and you need to be a bit kind to yourself now.

There are absolutely things you can do in the days and weeks to come, look into getting that counselling and talk to DH properly about how you're feeling and why but there's no rush. For now look after yourself, help DH as best you can and know that you are doing your best, that's all any of us can do Flowers

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 09/12/2016 00:34

Could you be grieving too?

YorkiesGlasses · 09/12/2016 00:35

He somehow is still having to comfort you despite him actually being the one grieving.

I must have missed the part where he comforted her Confused

DailyMailyFaily · 09/12/2016 00:36

Is it possible for you to go NC with his family but for you to accept that your DH doesn't. You can do it quietly so there is less drama. Be understanding if he wants to visit them but don't you see them or talk about them. Hopefully you will get to a point where you don't even think about them.

Original poster
BushyBushyTinsel · 09/12/2016 00:40

Whats' I was not angry and I did not explode. But my dh was angry and did explode. Considering my earlier crass behaviour I don't blame him. I have become overcome with emotions for the reasons discussed in this thread.

Thank you Giddy' & Itshould' & also Yorkie' & Ohyes'. I have really appreciated all your views, opinions and advice tonight.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/12/2016 00:42

I wasn't trying to be passive-aggressive, I think it's worth seeing if there's a pattern here. The level of remorse being displayed by the OP is off the charts. I'm not saying it's fake, or designed to get attention. If it happens more or less regularly, it would hint at one issue in particular. Which is why I asked.

iminshock · 09/12/2016 00:42

Please don't hate yourself !
You acknowledge you should not have spoken up at this time.

No need to self hate. We all do and say stuff we instantly regret xx