AIBU to be concerned about my toddler's eating habits

[MGFM]

Everyone tells me not to worry about his eating habits as it wont be forever and that he wont be eating like this when he is 18. All well and good but he doesnt seem to be making any progress.

Just for backstory. When we started weaning him we did a mix of BLW and spoon feeding. We followed the advice and would give him food to play with and that is exactly what he did - he played with it. He showed little interest in eating it and would just throw it on the floor. When it came to anything on a spoon he would either whip is head from side to side to avoid the spoon, try and knock it out of our hands, grab the spoon with his hands to try and fend it off....you get the idea. The HV kept saying dont worry - food is for fun until they are one. Well my son was taking this literally. When he went to nursery full time at 10 months old I thought it would improve. Sometimes I would watch him from the door sat at the little table wth all the other little babies and they would be eating their fruit and my DS would just be tipping the bowl upside down and playing with the food. Again HV said not to worry, he will get it eventually.

Fast forward to when he turned one. The only reason he started to actually eat more was because he had got the hang of a spoon. He started to improve. But only with stuff like jacket potato with cheese and beans. He did develop a taste for peanut butter sandwiches. and a few other bits. We kept him on the menu at the nursery, hoping that exposure to the different foods would naturally lead to him eating more. It didnt. I was paying nearly £6 a day and he wasn't touching the stuff.

I just started sending him in with a packed lunch. I would put fruit, sandwiches, homemade banana bread. He would devour the banana bread, not touch the fruit. Sandwiches he would eat sometimes.

Fast forward to now - he is 20 months old. We now have a DD who is 3 months old so I am on Mat Leave. Breakfast is no concern - he will devour porridge, or weetabix or toast. Fruit wise - he will only eat banana. The amount of fruit that has ended up not he floor was not funny. I just stopped trying. Lunch isnt too bad - sandwiches, or french toast, or eggs hidden in beans and cheese, or cheese on toast, jacket. it is dinner that is the struggle. He just wont even try anything or if he does he just spits it out. Once he sucked the juice of some duck and then spat the meat out (this was in wagamamas). He essentially has a handful of meals that we just rotate through. 1 - tiny pasta from boots with tuna and homemade tomato sauce. 2 - potato, swede, carrot, blitzed chicken and gravy. 3 - jacket beans and cheese. 4. blitzed mince beef pie with mash, carrots and gravy. 5. two Ella's pouches - the only for 10 month olds...he needs two as there isnt enough in one. I have tried fish fingers, smilies and beans - dont really want to feed him the regularly but i just wanted to add some things he will eat. He actually moved the food around to get to the beans and didnt even try the other stuff. If we go to pizza express or somewhere similar he will eat dough balls and pizza.

Anyway, I am worried about his eating - or lack of variety and the fact that he will only eat a bowl of near mush in the evening for dinner. I just dont know what to do. Should I just leave it and hope that slowly he improves?

I mjgt try the plate with different sections and see how we get on

Okay my son is 20 months old and he is EXACTLY like that. I have to send his packed lunch with him because he won't touch nursery food. Won't eat any fruit except banana and even that I have to mash slightly and feed by spoon. He's the only one in his nursery who has to be strapped into his chair at lunch time otherwise he will get up and start wandering out. I just keep telling myself he will grow out of it. At home I have to chase him around for every bite!

I have recently been using a plate with sections for DD (2). Before this she would get very distressed if there was something she didn't like (or more accurately thought she wouldn't like) on her plate. Now she's much happier to have it on the plate. Even though it's rare she'll eat it, I feel like it's progress! I still blitz a lot too eg spag bol, but add the spaghetti in short lengths afterwards, so she still has lumps and texture.

Also people who have kids who eat well will never understand the struggle. It just isn't as simple as putting food in front of them and hoping they will eat 'something'. No, my son will not eat anything unless I feed him even if he was bloody starving. He is too busy focused on other things and when he does get hungry then he comes over to me and whines and expects me to feed him something acceptable.

I am happy to do this for now because to me he is still quite young and I would rather he get something in him from me rather than hardly anything. He's only on the 9th centile so his weight does worry me.

We have a fussy eater too. I find the Ellyn Matter division of responsibility guide very helpful. Basically you are responsible for what you offer at mealtimes (always make sure there is at least one thing he is happy to eat as part of the meal) and the child is responsible for what they choose to eat (or not!). It's very good for reducing stress and pressure around mealtimes.

ellynsatterinstitute.org/dor/divisionofresponsibilityinfeeding.php

Oh... op I really do feel for you, I do... But, the point is it the 'its so upsetting to watch' thing is the thing that will get in the way of all this. There is a really strong cultural message out there about our role as parents (especially mums) around food that mean we often 'worry' about how much they are eating. Most of the time we really don't need to.
I don't know the specific approach Antilope is talking about but it sounds very much like proffesional adive around eating issues. The more attention and emotion surrounds food the more this will become an issue. When you give him the pouch because 'at least he's getting something/good nutrients' you are inadvertently reinforcing your dc refusing other food. More than that if you do this sometimes (after trying other stuff first) you are creating intermittent reinforcement which doubly promotes the thing you are trying to change.
Toddlers are NOT natural neophytes, most will NOT happily try new things. But they do eventually.... Also do not worry about nutrients/calories I promise you your dc will not become 'deficient' nor indeed will they starve. To become deficient in a vitamin or mineral takes a long time. If you need reassurance around this, see your GP or find a properly qualified and registered dietitian (and or give vitamin drops).
I was a horribly fussy eater as child. Mealtimes were hell, tears, rows sent to my room- awful. I was very skinny and my mum worried about me- but I was fine, just didn't have that much of an appetite and didn't like trying things. The more it was a thing the more I used to dread eating. Awful dynamic. When my mum eventually backed off (gave in after 9 exhausting years by all concerned) I stopped dreading mealtimes and began to try things in my own time and space- I had control. Turns out that I actually love food, I've tried everything under the sun including lots of weird and wonderful/exotic stuff that most adults would balk at (still ca't do tripe though!). We've also had fussy eaters in the family... so I really really do understand the struggle. My point is please please don't jeep making it a struggle. Offer some food at food time, keep some healthy snacks but nothing too filling or too delicious an alternative to an actual meal. If your dc are really not hungry at meal times- consider changing the time (I don't eat at the same exact time every day- I eat when I'm hungry, its not fair to make dc eat then they're not hungry). I've seen parents rigidly stick to times that make no sense eg toddler has 'tea' at nursery and then is expected to eat a meal 90 min later. Or eating lunch after a big snack etc... Good luck

i really appreciate what you are saying and dont want to create any issues around food. it isnt that he doesnt eat. he loves his food and can really eat quite a lot. When he is hungry he comes and sits at his table in the kitchen or tries to get a spoon out of the draw. He then will eat a massive portion but if it is something he doesnt like/wont try/wont even consider then he just gets upset waiting for food he will eat. I cant not feed him in the evening! He would then not go to bed or he would eventually just start crying as this is what he does when he is hungry.

i have seen this: www.cathkidston.com/cowboy/cowboy-melamine-food-tray-1018679?ctry=GB&gclid=CjwKEAiAyanCBRDkiO6M_rDroH0SJAAfZ4KLkE-I9YMmX8th-cCnR0u_Cr59IyBN0tQTvsOvu5eROhoC8M3w_wcB

going tp put his regular food in one section and then new bits in the other sections and see how we go.

I had a skinny, fussy toddler (now a very healthy 10 year old). I used to give her the food I wanted her to eat - veges, meat etc - at lunch and something more low key at the end of the day. She was often grouchy and tired in the evening and less likely to eat well. I used to fret that she was going to sleep hungry but have subsequently had more kids, 2 of whom went through a phase of falling asleep at dinner time and not eating till morning and being absolutely fine.

Sounds fine tbh. He's eating at least two meals a day. Mine were never fussed at that age on an evening meal. Just give him 2 or three of his favourites a week then the other nights with small plate of a new food. Don't stress he's won't stave. Give him a multivitamin if your reallynworried

Avocado? Sweet potato?

I wouldn't worry too much at this point. My DS was very picky, basically would only eat porridge, potatos and bananas for ages, then at about 2 and a half he asked to try some of my (very mild) curry, then a week or so later he wanted to try pizza and he's a lot better now. Not great, but he will eat a larger range of foods now and is pretty good with veg and fruit.

My 15mo is similar but she does apparently eat half or so of her nursery lunch twice a week. My OH is keen to give her Ella's pouches or porridge etc. if she won't eat (we've generally done BLW and she gets what we have), but HV said if she won't eat it she shouldn't be offered something else as she's learning food refusal as a method of control. I just live in hope it will gradually get better and think exposure to variety and seeing us enjoy food is key.
I was very fussy as a child but think back in horror now at some of the crap I used to eat!

"I can't just not give him any dinner!" Yes you can. If you want to change this, then you need to accept there will be times when he doesn't eat anything. If you want him to try new things, you need him to understand that it's this or nothing. Otherwise he'll just hold out for his pouch or his favourite dinner. Harsh but that's what we do here and so far my 4yo is an amazing eater an we're battling through a fussy phase with my 2yo. She has gone to bed without eating before but she's still growing well. I probably do 3 meals a week I know she likes then the rest are what I like! I hope she will follow in my eldest DC footstep after a few more months.

DS 1 was very fussy, I started a thread about it on the parenting board. I know how stressful it is when you keep offering things and they're just not interested.
But I honestly don't think your DC 's diet sounds too bad - he's getting a bit of everything, sounds like a restricted but balanced diet. He should be trying other textures, but tbh he doesn't sound like he's got serious problems with food (as in children with ASD) so I'd assume he'll get there. Give him time and I'm sure he'll improve, and in the meantime he is unlikely to develop nutrient deficiencies.
With DS 1, I did offer alternatives at tea time because I was worried he'd wake up hungry, but I stopped doing that when he was around 22 months old and he's never woken hungry. I didn't offer alternatives at lunch.
He started trying different foods when he was around 20 months old. He's now quite relaxed about trying new things, even if often ends up spitting them out. I never thought it could change that quickly.
Try and stay relaxed or at least don't show how much it worries you. I'm sure he'll get there!

My DD is 18 months and eats so well at nursery, at home, I can barely get her to eat anything, she'll have breakfast, but refuses lunch and dinner, so I feel your pain, no advice as am battling with it myself

My DD is 18 months and eats so well at nursery, at home, I can barely get her to eat anything, she'll have breakfast, but refuses lunch and dinner, so I feel your pain, no advice as am battling with it myself

My DS was like this as a toddler. It wasn't so much he didn't like food but he just seemed to find eating food boring and would rather play. By the time he was 3 he had dropped to the 9th centile for weight but stayed on 50th for height and his ribs stuck out. HV said he was very healthy and not to worry but I did. I gave up on family mealtimes and trying a variety of toddler recipes and got food in him anyway I could. I'd feed him mashed up food any time I could - whilst he was playing, watching tv and even in the bath (I literally followed him around with a spoon) and had a box of healthy finger food in the fridge that was offered regularly. I know this goes against advice but it worked for me as he gradually put the weight on and by the time he was 5 he was choosing to sit at the table and eat. Now he is a strapping 18 year old with a varied healthy appetite and to the best of my knowledge no longer eats in the bath. I'd forgotten the two years of worry until I read your post!

My DS is 2. When weaning he ate everything bar cauliflower.

Now his diet is mainly cereal, fruit, toast, cheese, pasta, pizza, pudding rice & custard. Will eat some carrot sticks, peas & broccoli.
Will very occasionally ate sausage or a bit of chicken.

He just started refusing hearty meals, Even mashed potato & gravy. Spits them out.

So I think your meals are quite good in comparison.

Its heartbreaking - he is not overweight but I want him to be properly nourished.

I think part of my upset is that I hate to see food being wasted too.

My advice is just to keep offering & is something new hits gold don't go overboard with it.

Good luck OP- I understand!

Your comments re having to blitz his food made me think it could be a sensory issue? Might be worth looking into/discussing with the GP.

I can definitely emphasise! My DS was not interested in food for ages. Was about 9-10 months until really started eating anything at all. Has always been fussy. Many things he just won't touch. So anything in a sauce or made together - beans, spag bol, stews, lasagne, pasta sauce, shepherds pie, etc etc no way. Doesn't like potatoes unless chips or shapes and even then only a couple. Things have to be separate - e.g. plain pasta, cheese & ham on the side...

He's now 3 and still fussy but eats a reasonable range of healthy food. I rotate through rice, pasta, bread, crackers and some sort of protein with the veg he will eat.

A few things I've found have helped:
-eating together. We only do this breakfast and lunch. I try and eat the same or very similar to him. I don't push it but over the last year he has started to show more of an interest in what I'm eating and even if won't eat will notice we've got the same and sees me eating it!

• praising any time he eats anything new. Like stickers and lots of well done, good boy etc if he tries something new. He doesn't need to eat much, just to eat some and not spit it out.
• getting him to 'help'. He does more as he's got older, but it started with tipping something from one bowl to another and mixing flour in a bowl. Also doing 'picky' lunches so have a range of things on chopping board or plate like cheese, bread, crackers, Chopped veg etc then get him to choose what to put on his own plate. That workes well for us! Now making 'pizza' is an unexpected favourite (spread a wrap with tomatoe puree, then get him to sprinkle grated cheese and sweetcorn, ham, Chopped pepper on top). Not something he'd normally eat but loves it!
• Don't expect too much. My DS still only really eats 2 meals a day. Breakfast and lunch. Tea only ever gets picked at. So I make an effort to make lunch hot and healthy and will try new things occasionally as most likely time of day for him to eat. Tea is usually cheese and crackers or bread with veg and houmous.

Try not to worry. I know really hard but try and take a step back and don't push it.

Was he later acquiring teeth?

He wasn't late with his teeth. Just normal I think.
If I put a piece of chicken in front of him he will just pick it up and throw it on the floor. I blitz it in the food processor so he is at least getting some protein in his diet.

I appareciate the advice that if he doesn't eat it don't offer anything else but when he is hungry he tantrums and gets very whingey and Whiney until he has had some food. I have a 3 month old as wel so I really can't have him behaving like that all night. It would be a nightmare. His speech isn't great so he can't articulate what he wants. It it is clear he is hungry.

I think it is def sometimes the texture of things that he doesn't like. I was pretty happy when he ate the mini pasta shells fr
Boots. I made mince beef pie a few nights ago and put some of the pastry in his bowl. He spat it out.

The pouches aren't puree either - they have cubes of Potato and carrot or bits of spaghetti .

It is comforting to know there are other people with similar issues. We don't know any in RL. His cousin of a same age can eat a whole apple. My DS thinks apples are like balls and are for throwing not eating.

Maybe I am expecting too much from him.

Why not leve out the meat my toddler rarely has it as he hates it

I wouldn't worry too much about meat for protein at the moment, eggs and beans are full of protein