To just accept we'll never see our wedding photos

[lilyb84]

Got married more than 4 years ago, all done on a minimal budget so we didn't have a photographer. My dad has a DSLR and offered to take pics which would be of a good quality at least.

We've since never seen these photos despite him telling me he got some lovely shots. When I've asked he's said he's been too busy - I think the files are all 'raw' and need converting to jpegs or something like that, he did show me one about 3 years ago which was a close-up of me and did look very nice thanks to Photoshop. Clearly he has to put quite a lot of work into each photo which I didn't realise at the the time.

In fairness he IS always busy: working (self employed and lots of travel), studying, doing home improvements etc. So as not to drip feed though, he has form for being weird over photos - he has literally boxes of all our childhood photos and videos and won't let anyone see them - if you ask he's too busy to find them. I guess technically they're his property so it's his prerogative but he'll only ever share things on his terms and my sisters and I have never been able to just look at old pictures of us growing up which we find a bit sad.

But back to the wedding photos. I appreciate he didn't have to take them, and so I probably have no right to expect him to put in the work to do whatever needs doing to them so we can actually see them. But he did offer, and knows we didn't have any other 'proper' pictures taken. I just got a bit tired of asking after a while but was thinking I could attempt to revisit the issue in the run-up to my and DH's 5 year anniversary as that gives me a reason to ask, as it were. Or AIBU in expecting him to do this?

lilyb84 If you get them for Christmas as a present, I will happily edit them for you in January.

I kind of do natural style, minimal editing - so if you want someone who "pops" eyes etc., I am not the best person to do it!

Hoops that is such a kind offer! its so time consuming MN is a wonderful place!

You would be best off getting hold of a large portable hard drive and next time you're over there, ask if you can transfer them on (at the start of your visit- it could take a while to transfer them) and then you can sort them from the RAW.

I'm sorry if I'm projecting my own anxieties here- but don't you worry about why he is so cagey with photos and videos? My dad is a hobby photographer and is so keen to show off, send and share- not secretive at all. I would find it quite sinister if someone was.

Thats completely unacceptable! Buy an external hard drive and insist on a copy. Its very easy to concert RAW to Jpeg and you can get free software to do it. Irfanview is good.
www.irfanview.com

OP I might be misinterpreting this, but to me it seems that your father enjoys holding these photos over you, in a "one day I may or may not choose to allow you to have your wedding photos". It is very sad to read, as clearly he is not "too busy" but is merely enjoying the knowledge that he has your wedding photos and he has the power to keep them from you.

I could have written this about my fil. He likes to think he's some sort of whizz with cameras when really it's only a hobby that he wastes money on buying expensive cameras when he doesn't really know how to take nice shots or anything about editing them.

He's possessive over photos and we literally have to plead with him to give us pictures of our children. He keeps the best ones for himself and mil.

We begged him not to take pictures at our wedding. We had a videographer instead and no standing shots because we didn't want to be away from our guests but he completely ignored us and bought a camera anyway. We got one of the photos as a wedding gift, they put it in a frame but it wasn't great. The rest I've never seen. He also took a video of the speeches. I think by that point he'd had quite a lot of champagne because he managed to chop virtually everyone's heads off!

I don't know what the answer is op, seeing as I haven't managed to sort the same problem myself. But you have my sympathies. Hope you get it sorted soon.

Hoops that's so kind, thank you. To be honest I don't even want/need edited versions, I just want to see what he's got! Thank you for the very generous offer

Those of you with similar DFs/FILs etc - do they also get obsessed with editing software/apps on their phones and edit the shit out of every photo so it looks like a fucking drawing? My dad does this and it's become a source of much hilarity between myself and DH (you have to laugh, right?) as you can guarantee when he does deign to share a picture, it's got some kind of awful vignette/filter and resembles something from Sin City...

This is definitely part of a much larger issue which to be honest I only really became truly aware of when he and DH fell out shortly after ds was born (I posted at the time on here and lots of the comments gave me a bit of a lightbulb moment with regards to my relationship with him). I guess I just thought this was something he'd stick to.

It's my birthday a week after Christmas which would have been the perfect opportunity to ask for a gift especially as the gifts they give me, when they remember, are just weird and clearly chosen by her but he and his partner are away so much, including over Christmas itself, I can't see him having time. But I'll ask anyway!

Yes my fil is weird about editing. Except, he won't spend any money for editing software, its all free stuff, I think that's half the reason he's so crap at it. On the one hand he will pay a lot of money to use an expensive camera badly, but he won't spend the money on editing his photos. Baffles me. And yes, it's a big joke between us all. My husband calls him the Japanese tourist. We can't go round for any special occasion without him constantly snapping the flash going off in our faces.

Haha, my dad has always been the same. Always a camera pointing at us, special occasions, holidays, 'firsts' etc etc... would have been great if we'd actually been able to see them!

very controlling and emotionally abusive but I thought this would be one thing he'd actually do and make about someone else rather than himself but clearly I was mistaken.

Do you get anything positive from your relationship with him? I ask because I cut contact with my emotionally abusive father and I've found it a huge relief to not have to deal with him. I hadn't realised what a strain contact with him had been until it stopped. I initially just stopped it temporarily as I just couldn't deal with seeing him on one occasion, but I've been so much calmer since that I've carried it on.

In your situation, if you don't think you get anything positive from him, I might make a last concerted effort to get the photos the next time I saw him- bring a memory stick and firmly but politely keep saying that you want them. If he still refuses you may need to mentally say goodbye to the photos rather than have the possibility of them hanging over your head.

Hi op, do you think he has so many photography bits and bobs that he cant actually find them? Does he hoard things?

Hopelessly I've reduced contact - cutting contact completely would cause more problems than its worth it think. I also think he's mentally not very well and it doesn't feel right punishing him for that, he idolises me as his pfb and I think it would make him very miserable if I completely cut him off. So I'm keeping him at arm's length. I'm sorry to hear you were in that position but glad that cutting contact has helped!

Wizzy he has lots of stuff but I think he knows full well where everything is!

I think you need to stop with the softly softly approach here. It's clearly not working.

"Dad, I want my wedding photos. I know you're busy and don't have time to format them, that's fine. When can I come round with a USB stick to get the raw files, as I have found someone who will edit them for me?"

If he claims to be busy...

"It will only take a few minutes. I've been waiting over 4 years and it's got to the point that this is upsetting me. So when suits you?"

Oh op, this is sad.
We didn't have a photographer at our wedding either, relied on guests who obliged and I absolutely hate all the pictures of me from the day.
I think knowing that someone had lots of good shots from the day but deliberately wouldn't hand them over would be awful.

Send him a USB storage by post and ask him to put the images on it raw.
He just has to select them and drag them to the icon. If there are lots he could zip them and email them to you.

Say you'd like to print out some of them for a friend who's parents have died and they'd love to see them again in happier times in their glad rags, or some such.

Call a mediator anyway and ask for advice.

Happy anniversary.... fwiw, I waited 10 years for a cousin to send me wedding pictures. He was worried they weren't good enough, and he didn't feel he had done a good job, as we weren't all in lines, and some people were not looking at the camera etc.
I was delighted to see everyone as no one was posing and everyone looked like they were natural and having fun. It was lovely to see pictures of older relatives who had died in the interim as well.

I know how it rankles but try and stay calm!!

I agree with 19Lottie, set a time limit for action! Make a date!

Ring a mediator for advice! They deal with this kind of thing all the time. Doesn't have to be www3 to get a result.... in fact it's better if it's not heated.

Sorry about all the exclamation marks, this has obviously reminded me about my own situation.

Another vote for firm but sad. This is utterly ridiculous and you sound almost insanely tolerant but you have an absolute right to have those photos. He agreed to take them so you clearly expected to actually see them and have possession of them.

'Dad, you have the pictures of the most important day of our lives and I'm getting quite upset that we still haven't received them. I'm popping round tomorrow/ next week with a memory stick to collect the data. My friend Jane is going to do the xyz as I know how busy you are. I'm going to give dh a framed wedding picture for Christmas and have bought a lovely frame. Look forward to seeing you to catch up.'