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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just accept we'll never see our wedding photos

68 replies

lilyb84 · 08/12/2016 21:19

Got married more than 4 years ago, all done on a minimal budget so we didn't have a photographer. My dad has a DSLR and offered to take pics which would be of a good quality at least.

We've since never seen these photos despite him telling me he got some lovely shots. When I've asked he's said he's been too busy - I think the files are all 'raw' and need converting to jpegs or something like that, he did show me one about 3 years ago which was a close-up of me and did look very nice thanks to Photoshop. Clearly he has to put quite a lot of work into each photo which I didn't realise at the the time.

In fairness he IS always busy: working (self employed and lots of travel), studying, doing home improvements etc. So as not to drip feed though, he has form for being weird over photos - he has literally boxes of all our childhood photos and videos and won't let anyone see them - if you ask he's too busy to find them. I guess technically they're his property so it's his prerogative but he'll only ever share things on his terms and my sisters and I have never been able to just look at old pictures of us growing up which we find a bit sad.

But back to the wedding photos. I appreciate he didn't have to take them, and so I probably have no right to expect him to put in the work to do whatever needs doing to them so we can actually see them. But he did offer, and knows we didn't have any other 'proper' pictures taken. I just got a bit tired of asking after a while but was thinking I could attempt to revisit the issue in the run-up to my and DH's 5 year anniversary as that gives me a reason to ask, as it were. Or AIBU in expecting him to do this?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 08/12/2016 22:05

Dp
One at a time
Sausage fingers!

BerylStreep · 08/12/2016 22:05

My Dad stole all of our childhood photographs when he left us. I have asked him over the years if I could see some of the photos, and he point blank refused.

It's a horrible thing.

In terms of your Dad, could you frame a really crap blurry wedding photo taken from a phone in a really prominent place in your house to try to shame him into doing something about it?

It sounds like he may be a complete perfectionist to the point that if he can't do it perfectly, he won't do it at all.

HeyRoly · 08/12/2016 22:10

Yes, it's controlling to the extreme, isn't it?

There's also something very wrong about deny someone access to photographs and videos of themselves as children. Things like that are priceless - which is why he does it, maybe?

Newmanwannabe · 08/12/2016 22:12

He might say the files are too large to send over.. could you go around with a small hard drive and say please put the files on here, Id like to convert them in time for our anniversary?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 08/12/2016 22:19

I think I'd go round with a pen drive and refuse to budge until I had the photos... But what others suggested, one at a time for Christmas, might be a less confrontational way of going aboit it!

And yes, talk to his partner and tell her how much it's upsetting you.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 08/12/2016 22:22

This is so sad.

Sort him out.

FrayedHem · 08/12/2016 22:35

Don't give up on getting them back. Like you say your wedding anniversary coming up is the perfect reason not to let it drop. Say you want them in their raw (see what I did there) form but you need them by x date so you can do what you need with them.

DH is a hobby photographer and uses raw. It does allow you to make very individual changes but I have converted from Raw to Jpegs using the generic adjustments on our software very easily and been happy with the photos.

NormHonal · 08/12/2016 22:39

My Parents got married many many years ago, hired a professional photographer who promptly went out of business, leaving them with only a few snapshots from family cameras.

My DMum's never fully got over it, although DDad and I have done our best to compile a wedding album from the little they did have.

I'd have been devastated.

Good luck OP.

Norahy · 08/12/2016 22:41

My mum and dad got divorced when I was an adult. Couldn't decide what to do with the photo albums/family videos etc.

My dad took them outside and burnt them. At least you'll get yours at some point in the future OP.

callmeadoctor · 08/12/2016 22:48

I would be tempted to ask his partner to give them to you, behind his back if necessary. (Im sure they would understand). If my DH was keeping photos from his daughter, I would certainly sort it, no questions, would they do that? Alternatively ask his partner to give you them as a xmas present from them both. (Also bloody tempted to "borrow a key" and get them!!!

callmeadoctor · 08/12/2016 22:49

Are they due a holiday? (wink)

SunnySomer · 08/12/2016 22:59

A friend took our wedding photos 9 years ago and we have never seen them. Initially he said he was doing some photoshop stuff, then work was busy, then he disappeared off the face of the earth (not local to us and stopped responding to any communication), so just like pp above, we just have a few snaps people emailed to us.
In some ways it's quite nice, because tge bits I remember are the bits that are memorable, not the bits that photographed well.
I think it turned out to be a more difficult job than tge friend expected and he found it too embarrassing to tell us so...

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/12/2016 06:14

This is so sad

I'm less sympathetic than most posters about his motives. He has had ample time to sort the photos - he has chosen not to do it.

He is a grown man and he is hurting his daughter - if he is embarrassed about the photo quality he can bloody well pull himself together and talk to her about it!

I do suspect there may something more underlying this, some controlling behaviour.

I would research what to do with the raw files, buy a memory stick and plan to come to his home one day for lunch or whatever so you know he has time set aside for you. When I arrived I would say cheerfully "I'm going to collect my wedding photos today. I have a memory stick, I know what to do, point me in the right direction and I'll do everything myself". That is an entirely reasonable thing to say. If he reacts badly or blocks you, then you know there is something more going on. Frankly I would stand my ground and keep politely reiterating that I wanted them today, I will do it all myself, I'm not asking him to do anything, I would like access to the photos today though.

If he keeps trying to block you... Well, his motives will be exposed. That isn't business, or disorganisation, or perfectionism, that's controlling/ cruel behaviour.

You mention he gets cross when you bring up the photos. Does he do this with anything else? People who stop others raising legitimate issues through getting angry/ sulking are controlling.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/12/2016 06:16

Busyness not business (although he certainly couldn't run a business this way)

Original poster

lilyb84 · 09/12/2016 08:01

Hopelessly oh yes, he's very controlling and emotionally abusive but I thought this would be one thing he'd actually do and make about someone else rather than himself but clearly I was mistaken.

We don't live near and I only see him a few times a year at most, so popping round isn't an option.

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice! I'm going to ask again, if he says he's too busy I'll ask for the raw files, if he doesn't send them over I'll see if his partner can apply some gentle pressure. He and DH have fallen out this year and aren't currently on speaking terms so whatever I do needs to be about me rather than the both of us I think, but hopefully that won't be a problem!

We do have some pictures from other people and I'm not the sort of person to need a special album of the day or anything but it would be nice to have some slightly nicer pics (I love my mum but she's never figured out how to turn off date stamping on her camera, and other pics are more focused on other family members etc).

Norahy That's awful. At least I know our pictures are around somewhere. I hope he didn't burn anything else important!

OP posts:

user1471449040 · 09/12/2016 10:33

how about you try mediation? with a trained mediator?

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 09/12/2016 10:46

I would take a copy of the pictures behind his back next time I go over. Yes it is dishonest, but it was dishonest from him to say he will take pictures for you and then refuse to share. And I would be worried he could delete them one day if he feels that you insist too much to get them, or if you have a fight.

Original poster

lilyb84 · 09/12/2016 10:55

I have no idea where they're stored - he has a number of computers/laptops and they'll all be password protected. Plus I don't go round regularly (60 miles away, he's never there as often travelling and obviously I work!) and if I did I can't see that I'd be able to find the appropriate computer and get the photos. Much as I like the idea of going behind his back

I'll try asking again as I said and see where it gets me this time...

OP posts:

Original poster

lilyb84 · 09/12/2016 10:56

user I think I'd offend him if I tried using a mediator, don't think we're quite at that stage as much as I'd like to have as little direct contact as possible. Nice idea though!

OP posts:

MrsExpo · 09/12/2016 10:57

Just catching up with this thread. As keen (amateur) photographer myself, I know people who are completely anal and controlling about their images, keeping them to themselves and only showing selected ones to selected people at times of their own choosing. I also know people who never delete an image regardless of how poor it is. There's something about photography which can bring out the inner hoarder in some people.

Depending on the type of camera OP's father used, the RAW files will probably be far too large to email, except one at a time, which would be tedious. They would need to be processed and converted to .jpeg files. It very much sounds as if OP's father has processed the files, or at least some of them, which means they'll likely be in a folder on his computer. With that in mind, I think I'd try to recruit the father's partner to see if they can't be somehow be copied down onto a memory stick while he's out of the way some time. Not an nice thing to do but this man sounds like the worst kind of control freak.

The issue with pictures is that they belong to the person who pressed the shutter button at the time (with certain exceptions) and are as much that person's property as his other material possessions. Even if you are the subject of an image, you have no claims to own it or to demand a copy, or that the originator of the image hands it over, deletes it or otherwise does anything with it. You can ask, but there's nothing you can do if they say no, as in this case.

I feel for you OP. What a dreadful situation be in and I hope yo manage to resolve through fair means or foul.

Original poster

lilyb84 · 09/12/2016 11:00

This is exactly why I stopped asking over the last few years! I know they're his property, much as I know our childhood pictures and videos are also his property, so I don't really have any right to them. It's sad but I don't feel I can force his hand especially when he genuinely is very busy and this is probably now so low on his list of things to do he's probably forgotten about it. I'll try bringing it up again and see what happens. I do, though, forsee another few years of waiting at least!

OP posts:

HeyRoly · 09/12/2016 11:13

Legally they're his property, but morally they're your fucking wedding photos. I feel really sad for you OP, but clearly this problem is just part of a bigger picture of difficult/abusive behaviour.

I understand how it is. I have a difficult/abusive FIL (who is also a hoarder and used to work in the photography industry - I guess it's no coincidence ) and I could well imagine him behaving like this in a similar scenario.

LagunaBubbles · 09/12/2016 11:19

It's sad but I don't feel I can force his hand especially when he genuinely is very busy and this is probably now so low on his list of things to do he's probably forgotten about it

I would doubt it, no-one is that "busy"...its been over 4 years after all. You say he is very controlling and emotionally abusive, this sounds just another example. Of course they are his "property" - but who on earth volunteers to take the official photos of their daughters wedding and then doesnt give them the actual photos without having issues?

BerylStreep · 09/12/2016 11:25

I think going round and downloading them without his permission is a really BAD idea, even if you can rope his partner in.

No matter how odd he is being about this, that is the wrong thing to do.

purpleshortcake · 09/12/2016 11:35

Could you specifically say that the best Christmas present ( or birthday if that is soon soon) he could give you is an album / CD of your wedding pictures? Try and tie it to an event so he has a deadline ..he may just be procrastinating. Good luck x

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