AIBU for going to company event overnight?

[Kriii]

Dad here.

Just like last year, this January my company is holding an overnight team-building event (Sunday/Monday). On the one hand, it's fun, and on the other, the second day is mainly scheduled for actual work-related stuff.

My DW is furious at the thought of me leaving her to take care of our (at that date) 7 months old DD for the night.

While I completely understand her position, there are some things that should be taken into consideration:

1. We moved near her parents, at a great cost/ongoing effort on my behalf (instead of a 15-minute walk to the office, I now have a 1:30 hours commute each way), so they can help take care of DD (and they are perfectly happy to).

1. I work from home most days, and literally only need to be at the office once or twice a week. Granted, sometimes I work long hours, but I always try to find time to help with things.

1. I've gotten myself out of every trip this year already; was supposed to spend a week in the USA, but weaseled out of it (which I feel terrible about, as it cost us business).

1. In her defense, I don't have a corporate ladder to climb, or have to worry about impressing anyone to keep/upgrade my position. However, I feel I can only take advantage of my position so much before it becomes a problem for me.

So am I being unreasonable for wanting to go?

I don't like it if DH had to spend a night away, however, I totally understand and don't moan at him about it. Sometimes we'll have a collective grumble if it seems unnecessary, but not because I can't cope (I certainly can) but because he doesn't like to do it.

In your case I think you should go. If you had gone to everything else, this wouldn't seem like such a big deal to miss.

It's hard to judge without knowing your wife, but why do you think this upsets her so much? Does she cope well normally? Is she generally reasonable? I would want to get to the bottom of anything that causes this much upset to someone I love.

If you had twins or the baby was weeks old and she had no help I would understand, bout you can't keep cancelling work things when you have clearly made significant sacrifices alread. Go! It's one night!

Has she ever been denied the time away since the baby has arrived?

Do you spend 1:1 time with the baby while she is out or away?

She's probably upset at the thought of me having fun (though I'm not much of a drinker), while she has to take care of the baby around the clock. I'd be lying if I said I can't understand that logic.

But that works both ways so I still She saying she will never want to go out with friends while you are at home?

Unless you're about to drop a massive dripfeed about a previous affair with a female participant at the event or toddler sextuplets you forgot to mention then YANBU to go. However you do need to talk to her about why she thinks a single night alone with a seven month old baby is too big an ask. Is she having problems coping?

YANBU. It's one night! My husband buggered off to work for 6 months leaving me with a toddler, a 2 week old, a new house in a new part of the country and with no support (apart from the dog). He helped unpack before he left so that was a bonus! Unless there are some health issues we don't know about she's being very unreasonable. Enjoy your night away!

I'm wondering how the conversation went where you decided a long commute was worth it in order for her to have a bit of extra help with your dc? I'm not saying it's unreasonable that you did it necessarily, I just wonder how it came to be and what the deciding factor was.

I'd hate my dh to have a 1.5hr commute instead of a 10min one, but I also have my parents on the doorstep and it is a huge benefit to us as a family.

Bloody hell. I once had a female boss with a super high powered career, she had twins, so stressful I'm sure! One night her DH was called away and she'd already given the nanny the night off and she called me begging me to come over and stay the night at her house. Turns out she was scared because she'd never looked after the kids a night on her own before. I could have understood but the twins were three and a half!! She persuaded her ex husband to come over and sleep in the spare room in the end

Nothing wrong with being nervous but both parents need to learn to cope with their LOs at some point. YANBU OP.

Does she ever go out for the evening/day while you look after the baby?

YANBU. My DH has to make regular one or two night trips abroad to his company's head office, about once a month normally. When DS (now 9 months) was first born he put off going, but he'd also put it off in the run up to the birth in case DS arrived early, so then he really had to go. I think his first trip DS was about 6 or 7 weeks old. If your DW really cannot cope for one night at 7 months old I'd be a bit concerned tbh. What is it that she is finding so hard or is it simply that she doesn't want you to have any fun?

If her DPs are close, why don't you suggest that she takes the baby to stay with them for the night, or they stay over at yours in case she needs any help.

Go, and have fun! My DP's new company take them away once a year to spain. He didn't go this year as I'd just had DS, but I've told him he HAS to go next year. Once a year, my own company take us away to a 2 day "retreat", and there's no way I'm saying no to that cos it's fun :D

Why is she being so unreasonable? Your commute takes you from home 3 hours at a time rather than 30 minutes but that's ok?

You need to go and not set a precedent.

Does DW work?

I do wonder if she seems to get her own way all the time..

Yes you should go it is work..

Having a young baby is hard work but that doesn't mean the world stops. You might not be climbing the corporate ladder but you are expected to do your job..

I was without my DH for 3 months as he got placed on a secondment abroad when my second DC was 4 weeks old. Alone with a 3ear old and a 4 week old. For 3 months no outside support except my mum who works full time herself.

Tell her to put her big girl pants on and get over it. Its one night!

@SheldonCRules It's only a couple times a week, so the commute isn't killing me. It's nice to have her family around, and they do help quite a bit, so I'm not really upset at the move - just wish she's take more advantage of her parents' willingness to help, and go to have a fun day out every once in a while.

@NonFatTofuttiRiceDreamsicle You're asking a man whether he thinks his wife is reasonable But to be perfectly fair, I feel like sometimes she wants to live in 'hard mode' by refusing to get help from other people. But if she feels like she might be a burden on her parents, and can't trust an outside babysitter, then I can't exactly argue with those emotions.

@NapQueen I usually take care of the baby every morning, for around two hours, while she gets ready. I'm also usually around to play with her, but I can't claim to be spending anywhere near as much time with her as DW.

@JenLindleyShitMom We were never ones to go out with friends, even before DW. Since then, I reckon I could count the number of times she's gone out to have fun on one hand.

I remember feeling terribly jealous that my DH could even plan that kind of thing - my life changed beyond recognition. But I knew I was being unreasonable.
I agree you've both been very lucky for you both to be around so much - at some point one of you will need to travel and this time it's you. What about offering a night away for her (visiting friends whatever) with you alone with your baby?

Go. Single parents to two kids with no family support here... how does she think it's done by those in my situation?? Youngest isn't yet 5monhs and I do this all alone, have done since nearly 4yr old was born.
Unless she's got pnd or something and she's not disabled or sick, she'll manage fine. It's the fear, that's all. It'll be good for all of you

Yanbu if it's work and you have to.... then you have to. My dh had to go business trips frequently and I say ok. Unless one of us is seriously ill and I'm. Worried then I have no reason for him not to go

When my dp announced he had to go away for work for 3 nights when dd1 was 3 & dd2 was 7 months I have to admit I wasn't over joyed! However, all was very well and I enjoyed my time with the girls and it was great knowing I could absolutely cope. You could be, by default, providing her with the opportunity to prove to herself she can do it. Incidentally, if you are genuine from your posts, you really seem like a lovely man and your wife and baby are very lucky to have you.

God, my ex buggered off to his mate's sixty miles away when DS was five days old, for two weeks (thank God he's my ex) because he couldn't cope...

It's important for your role, and as you missed the U.S trip, it might not go down very well if you skip this one too.

I have to confess OP that even though I've done bath time many times on my own, I still hate doing it solo - I just prefer for my DH to be there. Not rational I know.

Recently my DH overnighted for a networking/social thing and in return I went to the cinema - I took some persuading to go, I think due to mum guilt and believing that as the SAHP I don't get time off. Even if you can give your DW a couple of hours 'off' it might help to persuade her to the benefits for you to attend this event.

It's really tough finding a balance for each of you to get free time - alone and together - around work and the baby - we struggle sometimes - I hope you get there x

She sounds like she gets significantly more help than I do Kriii. Not really complaining, it's just how it is. Dh out of the house for 12hrs a day and then usually works when he comes home, as well as a few hours on a Sunday.

I'd consider myself very lucky to get the level of help your dw does - even if that meant an overnighter every week!

I think you need to try and find out why she's so against you going though, it does suggest she's not completely coping. Whilst I think sibu, I'm willing to believe there's a reason for it that you perhaps don't fully know.

You should go to your work do though.

Absolutely go unless there is a complicating factor you haven't mentioned.

She is B totally U unless there is a complicating factor you haven't mentioned.