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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you just wouldn't visit?

75 replies

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 11:22

Me and DH are having an extension and new kitchen. Work was started 3 weeks ago. We've had three weeks without hot food at home, without a washing machine and without being able to wash up. Everything from the kitchen is in our spare bedroom and the entire house is covered in dust. We've had builders here at 7am every day including weekends for three weeks. We're both working full time from home.

As of yesterday we now have an oven and microwave and sink. But still no washing machine and all out kitchen stuff is still in the spare room.
Today's the first day we've not had any tradespeople here and the weekend is our first opportunity to decant everything back into the kitchen from the spare bedroom.

BUT, PILs are coming. They're arriving this evening and staying until Sunday afternoon. So, stuff has had to be jiggled around in the spare room so they can actually get into bed and we've had to do some quite intense cleaning in the evenings (we wanted to clean everything this coming weekend).

AIBU to think that if your kid's home was as chaotic and knackering as ours is right now, you wouldn't visit?

OP posts:

PickAChew · 08/12/2016 13:13

Have you had much building work done, what? Any decent trades tend to be booked up fairly solid and they come when they can come! We urgently needed a plumber, last month for something that wasn't a dire emergency, but definitely couldn't be put off and it took 2 weeks to find one and then another week before they could do the work.

Beast I'm sure the outlaws won't mind sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They can always take you out for dinner :o

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:15

PickAChew We've told them we're out for dinner every night. They don't know that they're paying yet though

OP posts:

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 08/12/2016 13:18

We had this recently. DHs friends come to stay with us every year for a few days. They have form for staying a day longer than anticipated, or worse turning up a day earlier than anticipated. After a shit year DH asked if I would prefer it if they didn't come but when he tried to put them off they decided they would only come for two days instead of 4 .

We still had to clean the house from top to bottom, change the spare bed etc etc. Went out for a meal one night, I cooked the second. They did suggest we could go out to eat again but sometimes that is more effort than chucking something in the oven.

As they left they commented to DH that they were worried about me as they didn't realise how much I had deteriorated since they last saw me.

Maybe they won't come next year.............

Farmmummy · 08/12/2016 13:21

I understand the work from home part op! I'd be really awkward busy in the morning just to make it clear that although I had accomdated them despite circumstances changing I was behind with work because of the builders. However I'm sleep deprived and grumpy and haven't worked all week with a sick toddler so ignore me

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:22

Exit Ugh, that sounds awful.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 08/12/2016 13:22

You knew what they were like. You're adults. Get a backbone.

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:23

Farmummy That's a good idea, I might be super busy tomorrow morning.

OP posts:

FromAtoB · 08/12/2016 13:30

YABU.

You made arrangements to have them. They are coming to you to deliver Christmas presents. You don't really want to see them. You have taken holiday but resent it. Your parents are much nicer. They should know to cancel, it isn't your fault.

You're not coming across great. This is pretty self-absorbed stuff.

Costacoffeeplease · 08/12/2016 13:35

We are in the middle of house renovations and living in chaos. There is no way on earth anyone would be coming to stay for the weekend - there would be a divorce first

You and your husband are absolutely bonkers to not have out your foot (feet?) down

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 08/12/2016 13:36

Ugh, sounds grim. I mainly work from home too, and I don't think my dad really thinks I work. They came for the pre-Christmas visit recently and I took most of Thursday and Friday off, but fortunately they always choose to stay in a B&B. This meant I could manage a couple of hours email and calls first thing each morning.
They didn't come the year we had the kitchen done as I couldn't cope with it!

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:38

I do want to see them, it's nice to have them here. Just not this weekend!

OP posts:

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:40

Yes, I think PILs also don't think we work because we work at home.

I once mentioned that I'd love to go PT when the mortgage is paid off and they laughed. When we asked them why they were laughing they basically said they thought we already worked PT because we work from home.

Hmm, no I usually average an 80 hour week thanks.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 08/12/2016 13:49

look if you don't change how you react then nothing will change!

so tomorrow you work all day. tell them you can't take time off and you hope they enjoy their christmas shopping. so what if they get grumpy? they didn't check if you could take time off.

if they don't believe that you have a real job it's up to you to make them aware. give what you're prepared to without resentment, otherwise get on with your own life and let them get on with theirs.

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2016 13:51

OP, YANBU.
Congrats on the shiny new kitchen, I hope it was worth all the disruption.
I don't think you are coming over badly, I think your PILs are

Used to call my PILs outlaws until a colleague told me 'outlaws are wanted by someone'.

derxa · 08/12/2016 13:54

I want to see the kitchen.

SpookyPotato · 08/12/2016 13:56

Gah why do people assume working from home = not working hard, it's such a narrow, small minded view! So people need have a commute/dress code/colleagues to be classed as full time...

April1983 · 08/12/2016 14:09

Totally understand your pain and not really being able to anything to them OP, YANBU, good luck and I hope they bring nice presents at least! xx

girlywhirly · 08/12/2016 14:12

I think the state of the house and the lack of cooked meals except those eaten out may prove that when you said it was inconvenient, you were telling the truth. They may think you mean that the house is just a bit dusty.

Maybe when they see you at your work for a good proportion of the day they will believe you work full time as well.

Best outcome will be if they cut their visit short!

ohgoodlordthatsmoist · 08/12/2016 14:13

Take advantage of them being there and get them to help clean the house tomorrow instead of going Christmas shopping, you never know they might just be happy to be there - they will probably put everything in the wrong place if they are like mine though!
Can they get on with any of that so you only have to take a half day holiday?

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 14:24

A picture in the kitchen on my profile.

I couldn't get a good picture of the opposite side but basically the same except with a sink (all pan drawers).

I'm going to remove the picture in a bit as I'm always worried about being outed!!

OP posts:

ovenchips · 08/12/2016 14:30

I feel your pain but it truly is a circumstance of your own making.

Your PILs are behaving absolutely as they always do (which you find annoying) but you haven't done or said anything to stop them!

The chances of them twigging you don't want them to stay and making another arrangement off their own bat are nil from sounds of it. So why would you expect them to suddenly have a personality transplant? Your DH or you needed to take action instead.

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...

All that said, I hope this is one of those occasions where the idea causes more anguish than the execution. Their stay will be over soon and your shiny, new kitchen sounds lovely.

ThisThingCalledLife · 08/12/2016 16:02

put them to work cooking, cleaning and tidying while you get on with yours

LotsOfShoes · 08/12/2016 16:15

Well, generally, it depends on the PIL. If it were my parents or my PIL coming, we'd be over the moon because they would come and help us organize and clean. No one cleans and organizes a house like my mum and PIL are fantastic with building related stuff. Yours don't sound that great though if they're expecting to be accommodated and dined etc.

mya83 · 08/12/2016 17:20

Op please update us on how it goes when they arrive!

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/12/2016 17:38

Yes - I agree.

After they have taken you out to dinner tonight in the morning hand them the dusters and say its so good of you to come still and help us clean and sort the house out for us with so much work etc before Christmas.

I couldn't believe it when DH said you still wanted to come and didn't mind that there was all this work to do...

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