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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you just wouldn't visit?

75 replies

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 11:22

Me and DH are having an extension and new kitchen. Work was started 3 weeks ago. We've had three weeks without hot food at home, without a washing machine and without being able to wash up. Everything from the kitchen is in our spare bedroom and the entire house is covered in dust. We've had builders here at 7am every day including weekends for three weeks. We're both working full time from home.

As of yesterday we now have an oven and microwave and sink. But still no washing machine and all out kitchen stuff is still in the spare room.
Today's the first day we've not had any tradespeople here and the weekend is our first opportunity to decant everything back into the kitchen from the spare bedroom.

BUT, PILs are coming. They're arriving this evening and staying until Sunday afternoon. So, stuff has had to be jiggled around in the spare room so they can actually get into bed and we've had to do some quite intense cleaning in the evenings (we wanted to clean everything this coming weekend).

AIBU to think that if your kid's home was as chaotic and knackering as ours is right now, you wouldn't visit?

OP posts:

MissMarplesHat · 08/12/2016 11:56

They sound a pita, rope them in to help restore order

SapphireStrange · 08/12/2016 11:58

Well, your DH ought to have told them no in the first place, regardless of whether they should have thought 'we might be in the way' or 'maybe they could do without it'.

But anyway, now they're coming, leave him to it. He can sort the spare room. He can clean. He can work out a way to feed them.

Let him and them get offended.

Seriously, why do so many people let themselves be shat on like this?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/12/2016 12:01

I wouldnt go out of my way to make things comfortable for them. In fact I'd keep it as it was to prove my point that it really wasnt convenient, like they were told.

My MIL is like this, once she wants to do something, thats it, she will bang on about it until she gets her way. Thankfully DH doesnt indulge this and she has to wait until its convenient for him, not when she says jump.

Saffronesque · 08/12/2016 12:10

The reality of it is, if you are an average female, you are so used to people pleasing & balancing on a tightrope , you often leave yourself with no safety net, and tidy & clean exhaustively to prevent an awful atmosphere...

I'm such a wuss person and can see how you would feel powerless.

I do think, though, that I would be tempted to fill the house with plenty of bread cereal & milk & head down into what you actually need to do in your house. Don't empty the spare room, put them on airbeds or camping mats somewhere downstairs and cold

Saffronesque · 08/12/2016 12:15

That may have across more rudely than I meant. Sorry. But point is, focus on your plans & do not go out of your way to make them comfortable. Explain that you were only going to have sandwiches all weekend so that you can crack on, but they are welcome to buy the necessary & cook it if they have the time, otherwise they can join in with the clean up.

(You could try waving some rubber gloves & sugar soap at them menacingly enticingly)

mygorgeousmilo · 08/12/2016 12:15

Tell them to please occupy the kids, take them to some Christmassy sights etc etc, while you sort the house out. The end. I remember my auntie coming after we'd had our kitchen done, I pretty much chucked them all out with some cash and a bag of snacks. My DH and I actually got stuff done, so it turned out to be handy that she was there.

BarbarianMum · 08/12/2016 12:17

If they're happy to come when they know you are in chaos then they'll have to take you as they find you. Don't clean. Order take away. They can muck in.

MinnieMinchkin · 08/12/2016 12:27

We're having building work done, although not as invasive as yours as it doesn't directly impact use of the kitchen. Still, things are displaced, everything's filthy and I have no privacy. You have my utmost sympathy! Please accept a piece of (only slightly dusty)

SpookyPotato · 08/12/2016 12:30

This belongs in the thread going at the moment about inconsiderate people, they just don't think beyond their own existence.

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 12:30

I should say, DH has done all the work; cleared the spare room, hoovered the house and cleaned the bathroom. He's fully on side with the fact it's his parents so not my problem. The house is still filthy though.

I've made up their bed because DH is incapable of figuring duvet covers out and I've wiped over the kitchen this morning, which is a pleasure because it's shiny and new.

It's not just the clearing up in preparation for them coming. We just wanted some time on our own and some sleep.

This is not to mention the fact they're coming on a Thursday so completely forcing us to take holiday on Friday against our will. But, we work at home so obviously don't have proper jobs

OP posts:

SpookyPotato · 08/12/2016 12:32

And I agree with others, don't go to any special effort, just let them take you as they find you.

Saffronesque · 08/12/2016 12:34

Well you know what to say in future don't you?

Sorry Thursday won't work as I have client meetings/conference/pre xmas deadline/presentation I'm giving/trip to Z...

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 12:36

If this is the only weekend they could do, and it's been in the diary for ages, why did you book the building work to coincide with it?

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 12:41

Whatallama Because I didn't want to delay the building work until the new year, I've waited long enough already. Plus the builder had to start a few days later than planned because of some issues with another job. If he'd have managed to start on time then we'd have had a few days to breathe. Either way, them moving their visit because of our building work is a lot easier than us re-arranging a team of tradesmen to change plans.

Saffron We made the mistake some years ago of saying we're flexible because we are. However, there's a difference between saying 'Is it okay if we come on Thursday and you take Friday as holiday?' and 'We're coming on Thursday and thought we could go Xmas shopping as a family on Friday'

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/12/2016 12:46

YellowDraw I have a 'DH who already has a tricky relationship with his parents and is often walking on eggshells and will do almost anything for a quiet life' problem. And a 'PILs who are inconsiderate and quite selfish and will get offended at the slightest thing' problem

😂 At least you know what your problem is AND your DH sounds pretty good, he's done most of the work. It's sometimes just not worth the grief to say 'No' especially the guilt around Christmas time.

Still, does this mean that's your Christmas duty done ifpn 'his side' of the family? That's a result surely?

Anyway, onto the most important thing here, where did you buy your kitchen cabinets & work surfaces from? (I'm doing the kitchen next, but can't decide where to buy from 😫)

BarbarianMum · 08/12/2016 12:47

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/12/2016 12:48

whatallama

Thank you. I needed a bloody good laugh.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 12:53

Laugh away. The point is, this has been booked for months, the date can't be changed, and the OP has scheduled work to coincide with it, expecting the in laws to cancel.

Unless is emergency work, I think the OP should have waited. It's not that the in laws have invited themselves over during building work, but that the op has decided to do building work when the guests are there.

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 12:57

"Forcing us to take holiday against our will" was flippant. Of course I know we don't have to take holiday!

Annie Yes, it does mean that side of the family is 'done' for Xmas which is great. My parents are arriving just after Xmas for a couple of days but we'll be finished in the kitchen by then and, plus, my parents are much more considerate than PILs.

The kitchen is a Hacker one from a local supplier. It's much nicer quality than B&Q, Howdens etc., more unusual and they have a huge range available. It's not all that much more expensive either

OP posts:

whowantsadog · 08/12/2016 12:58

Sympathies with the working from home thing goes, I have huge problems with certain people turning up whenever for a brew and a chat, despite knowing that I'm working. I often have to take my laptop out to a nearby cafe and hide to get anything done uninterrupted and if I was you I might be tempted to do that just to make the point that you are working and home work is still real work! If you've already booked it off I guess you just have to go along and make the best of it, but I wouldn't kill myself making the house presentable under the circumstances. Good luck!

YelloDraw · 08/12/2016 13:02

This is not to mention the fact they're coming on a Thursday so completely forcing us to take holiday on Friday against our will.

Oh god, grow a backbone why don't you!

No one is forcing you to take a day of holiday. At 8.30 tomorrow, leave the house and go work from a cafe/library/whatever.

Your destiny is in your own control here.

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:03

Building work was due to finish a few days before they arrived but there were some delays. Building work finished yesterday and they're arriving today. So, technically they're not overlapping but I wanted some time to sort the house out, clean and get the kitchen restocked.

Plus, life gets in the way and sometimes visits would be better moved or cancelled. My point is that most people would be attuned to that and okay with it. Not PILs, they've had this weekend in their diary for ages so they are coming no matter what.

One time they'd scheduled a visit and I got very ill the day before they were due to arrive. DH told them I was really ill but they had to come to bring DH's birthday present. So they came. I pretty much lived in the toilet the whole time they were here so they left early. Then got a bit narky that they'd had to leave early and we didn't get chance to go out

OP posts:

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:03

Yellow As I said above, I work from home. As I also said above, it was a flippant comment. Fuck sake.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 08/12/2016 13:04

We just wanted some time on our own and some sleep. Then shut yourself away with DH in the evenings. Tell them you need some quiet time what with having builders in.

forcing us to take holiday on Friday against our will. Just don't. Just carry on and work as normal on the Friday. Point out the kettle to them, and the corner shop/supermarket/takeaway menus/whatever.

Original poster

BeastEnders · 08/12/2016 13:04

What I mean is, I have to be at home to work, I can't do my work in a public place. I deal with very confidential data.

OP posts:

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