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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4th new driving instructor and he's another arsehole - or is it actually me?

64 replies

DrivingWorries · 07/12/2016 17:33

Beginning to think it might actually be me because surely the alternative is me being the unluckiest person in the world!

Stuck it out with my first instructor for over a year. Constantly late and not making the time up at the end. Very unstructured lessons which involved me driving about aimlessly, then taking him to his house so he could pop in and check on his dog for ten mins while i sat in the driveway. Didn't start any maneoveres with me as he felt I wasn't ready (yes - even after a year!) I frequently asked for an idea of when he thought i would be test ready, and he never gave a straight answer. Nice enough guy but a waste of money. I'd reached my potential with him so let him go.

Next guy - squeezed me in within a week of me letting go my first instructor. I didn't book another lesson with him as he made me feel very uncomfortable (telling me about his alcoholism, his marriage breakdown and asked about 4 times how on earth i could possibly be single due to me being so gorgeous (i am distinctly average looking, FYI).

3 weeks passed before the third person fitted me in. Woman this time. Everything going great for about 2 lessons. Told me to book my test. Got a test for two months ahead. Then the wife got ill so her husband took over. Very similar to first guy. Late. Going to top up petrol during my lesson. Stopping at his house to check on his wife. Telling me lots of personal stuff. I made no new progress, Stuck it out for two lessons, then let him go.

4th and current instructor - started with him about 3 weeks ago. First lesson went great. He had a very dry sense of humour and blunt approach, picking apart all my bad habits from previous instructors. Not very cheery at all but i knew i needed a tough love approach. He told me to keep checking for cancellations to bring my test forward. So i did. I then paid up front for a few double lesson before my test (which is now less than 2 weeks away!). And he's turned into a right knob.

Very aggressive manner. Calling me names. Telling me im doing his head in because he's had to tell me something more than once (all of this from just today's lesson). Constantly telling me what to do when i know myself e.g. when to change gear, checking my mirrors - I've asked him to stop this as i want to make sure im doing it independently. He said no because he doesnt trust me to do it without putting our lives at risk! Grabbing the wheel out of my hand and yelling at me to give him control of the wheel if i mees up a menouver, then aggressively driving us back to my starting position and telling me to "do it fucking right this time".

I have six more hours booked and paid with this guy (including my test day). Called around after today's lesson - no one else willing to take me on when my test is so near. I get practice at the weekend in a family member's car but that's the only availability they have. So that's my only other practice outside of driving lessons.

I'm just ranting i suppose. Was feeling really quite confident and ready for my test. Actually was looking forward to it. My relative - that i practice with on a Saturday - has thought for months that i'm ready and is very relaxed with me in the car. Then this guy today just tore me to shreds. Never raising his voice mind you, but just his tone adn the words he uses are fully of rage. I've been assured by my friend (who recommended him) that i shouldnt take it personal as she had the same expereince. But that he's a great teacher despite being an arsehole.

So my choices are -

a) stick with this guy until my test. If i fail, take time off over Christmas and look for a new instructor again in the new year.

b) text him and sack him, requesting a refund for the 6 hours ive paid in advance, bearing in mind my only other driving practice will be 3 hours (in total) over the next two Saturdays before my test. And hire an Arnold Clark dual control car to do the test in.

Personally i dont think 3 hours will be enough practice time for me though if i want to give myself the best chance to pass. but the thought of spending more double lessons with this aggressive arsehole of an instructor fills me with dread.

I just want to pass so badly!

OP posts:

Ohdearducks · 07/12/2016 20:26

www.gov.uk/complain-about-a-driving-instructor

Have a read, he needs talking to. Might save his next pupil from having the same experience.

user1475253854 · 07/12/2016 20:31

It's not you. They sound awful! I thought mine was unpleasant, but nothing like that!

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 07/12/2016 20:32

I had three dreadful instructors who absolutely destroyed my confidence.
I stopped driving for years (18 years) due to this, thinking that I was just a terrible driver and would never pass.
I then decided to ask around if anyone knew any good instructors who were patient and wouldn't yell at me if I made mistakes or was nervous.
I was recommended one in particular who I ended up booking a lesson with.
He was so patient and really put me at ease.
Some of his jokes were a bit off and he was an over sharer and not the type of person I'd ever be friends with, but as an instructor he was perfect. I passed my test first time with him after 5 months of lessons.
I think you've just been unlucky. No instructor has the right to treat you like that when you're paying for their service.
Take your money elsewhere!

JustGettingStarted · 07/12/2016 21:19

Tell him that you want to take practice tests and ask him to act exactly as the examiner does. That is, give simple instructions and silently take notes. If he deviates, say, "I don't think the examiner would tell me what to do regarding gears and mirrors.... just write it down."

Then at least you'll get some practice. He ought to know the test routes.

gleam · 07/12/2016 21:30

Take someone with you to the lessons?

MiniAlphaBravo · 07/12/2016 21:34

Sorry but he sounds such a twat that I would threaten to complain about him if you don't get a refund and lay out the swearing and aggression quite clearly. He may change his mind then. I doubt you will pass with someone who scares you, sounds a horrible experience.

As it happens when I was learning to drive at 17 one girl I knew got felt up by her instructor and another friend got asked out and he made lots of inappropriate comments towards her despite being twice her age. My instructor was not a pervert thankfully but just pretty useless and seemed to think I was a lost cause. After a year with him I gave up and passed within a couple of months of my new instructor.

c3pu · 07/12/2016 21:44

I had a couple of shit instructors before I found one who was a good fit and made some progress. It wasn't always plain sailing and he was honest when it seemed I wasn't really getting good enough to pass, considered changing instructors but we decided to cram in more lessons to get more practice in.

I passed first time once I finally got there!

I'd say YANBU and to find an instructor who is a good fit for you.

EverySongbirdSays · 07/12/2016 21:50

Like you OP, I had a run of terrible instructors and ended up thinking it was me. I gave up and still can't drive.

Perhaps I should try again.

TheProblemOfSusan · 07/12/2016 21:51

Any chance someone could sit in the car with you on your lessons? I wouldn't want to lose the money either and that might make him behave a bit.

Flingmoo · 07/12/2016 21:59

You've been unlucky. I wouldn't necessarily recommend going with a big school like AA though. I hear they often use more inexperienced instructors who they are able to pay less and take a cut...

If you have a local community group on Facebook for your area that can be a great place to ask for recommendations. If you see the same person getting recommended by all sorts of people it's usually a good sign they're generally likeable and competent!

MillionToOneChances · 07/12/2016 22:10

Any chance someone could sit in the car with you on your lessons? I wouldn't want to lose the money either and that might make him behave a bit.

This is a great idea. If you know someone who could come along you could just say you're sure he didn't mean it that way but you felt a bit intimidated by him swearing at you and would feel more comfortable with someone else with you. If he refuses you would stand more chance of getting your money back off him.

OlennasWimple · 07/12/2016 22:15

YY to someone sitting in on the lessons.

Do you actually need to hire a dual control car for the test though?

HopefulHamster · 07/12/2016 22:17

I had three instructors. First didn't care about pushing me towards driving test ready, I just pootled around in the car with him, barely even doing manoeuvres.

Second shouted a lot and made me cry (I was 17) and eventually I just stopped booking lessons.

15 years later I started auto lessons with a new instructor who was great. Firm and calm and confident building.

I like the idea above of having someone in the car with you if you think that won't make you uncomfortable. He does sound unbearable though.

ItsALLAboutMeMeMeMeME · 07/12/2016 22:22

Don't let this bully undermine your confidence. Shouting and swearing is no way to instruct a learner driver, bloody dangerous to you and other road users too. It just makes you more nervous and more likely make mistakes. I must have tested my husband's patience so many time with things I did or forgot to do and he's not known for his tact but he'd just hold it all in until after the lesson and would tell me straight what I'd done wrong and how to correct it next time.
Do not go out with that man again. Hope you find someone more professional for the remaining time before your test but if you don't it sounds like you are actually ready, do the test anyway. No biggie if you fail, it'll be instructive on areas you are still weak in if nothing else, and you can take it again pretty quickly can't you?

DodoRevival · 07/12/2016 22:27

Today 21:50 EverySongbirdSays

Like you OP, I had a run of terrible instructors and ended up thinking it was me. I gave up and still can't drive. confused

Perhaps I should try again.

Do!! I gave up for the same reason. Now with a driving school with high pass rate - made so much difference!!

Mind you I've not past yet 🙄

Xmasbaby11 · 07/12/2016 22:38

I think you're unlucky. All of them sound awful. I got through 5 instructors and 5 tests before I passed. This was on and off over a decade. To be fair, I had no natural ability and needed a lot of repetition. They simply lacked patience and got snappy with me.

The low point for me was when I did a 3 point turn, only I'd actually just manoeuvred myself into the exact same position, facing the same way as before. He went absolutely nuts at me.

I think at this stage you may as well stick it out. You sound like you've done really well to be at the test stage despite all that terrible teaching. I think you will be fine.

CotswoldStrife · 07/12/2016 22:45

As PP have mentioned, take someone with you for the lessons to sit in the car with you.

Also, you don't need a dual control car for the test do you?

wasonthelist · 07/12/2016 22:56

Have you seen the Mike Lee film Happy Go Lucky?

You have been unlucky - sort of. It's a competitive market with oversupply and poor margins. As a pp said, self-employment can attract people who can teach driving as a vocation or people who can't do anything much but scraped the instructor exams.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/12/2016 23:02

I had three instructors. One was pervy but had taught my DH to drive so I felt like he was a good instructor. Had to cancel him after he kept making me drive down country lanes and stopping whilst he put his hand on my knee to demonstrate how I should be moving my leg on and off the clutch

Second instructor very nice and not pervy in the slightest but unreliable and kept getting me to drive to his house and wait for him to do stuff. Similar to you OP.

Third instructor was a woman. Very good, best reputation in the city, but so busy she couldn't book me in every week and would often cancel in favour of longer appointments booked by other students after mine had been scheduled so I had to stop. I haven't tried since.

NotJimbo · 07/12/2016 23:13

I passed my test years ago so my experience is quite old, but probably still valid. My mum's advice to me when I was learning as a teenager was that it's worth spending more and going with a reputable driving instruction company, she insisted I book through BMI though I'm sure some of the other major companies, AA etc are similar, and I think she was right. The price per lesson was perhaps 50% higher than some of the local independent instructors, but I got a great instructor who was unflappable and inspired confidence, and I sailed through my test first time. We were far from rich so the cost was a major factor, and back then I mostly had to pay for lessons myself with money earned in a sub-minimum-wage job, so the expense was considerable, but I would do the same again.

NotJimbo · 07/12/2016 23:14

Aaargh BSM not BMI - shows how long it's been!

QuestionableMouse · 07/12/2016 23:15

Get shot of him. He sounds like a bastard and he's making you scared to be in the car with him.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 07/12/2016 23:19

Would you be able to tell us what area you are in ? Maybe between us all we can recommend someone . My DD's instructor was superb and has a very high first time pass rate .

You are paying good money to these people to teach you to drive not turn you into a nervous wreck !

wasonthelist · 07/12/2016 23:23

Is there a market here? Would anyone pay a premium for decent instructor (I know you shouldn't need to - but still)?

I am horrified by the stories on here - I didn't realise that Mike Lee film was a documentary.

AndroidsConundrum · 07/12/2016 23:32

YANBU. I had two driving instructors. One told me that women were poor drivers, the other was absolutely horrible to me. He made me cry nearly ever lesson. He once got into a fight with a taxi driver in the street. He once pulled me over to yell at me that I was useless and would never amount to anything. Once, a week before a test, he cancelled on me for the test day and sent his boss out to me instead. The boss made me drive to his ex-wife's house so he could pick up the bag she'd left outside.

I had lessons with this guy for like six months. SIX. I didn't have the balls to call him up and tell him to bugger off. I just stocked the freezer with 'driving lesson ice cream' and came home and cried like a spineless twat.

Anyway, I got lucky, because he cancelled on me last minute again and I got some other guy, who was lovely. He told me I was a good driver and didn't yell at me or rant about politics or threaten to punch anyone. The day I went for the test, I decided I'd be alright if I failed because I'd just tell the horrible guy I'd passed, then go with the nice guy. Then actually passed...

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