..to be upset that DP shares custody of his teddy bear with his ex?

[BearProblems]

DP and I have been together 2 and a half years. We live together and have a DC. A few months before we got together, DP had split with his ex, who he'd been with for over a decade. Their split was amicable but they've hardly had any contact since. She seems to be a perfectly nice person. They have no DCs.

When DP moved in, over a year ago, his ex came to my house to collect Bear who was going "on holiday" with her. DP hadn't warned me this was happening, and I was just expecting her to drop some of DP's stuff off. DP did the handing over but it was all unbearably awkward. DP hadn't told her that he was moving in with me (we have known each other vaguely for years) so she couldn't have been expecting the new girlfriend to be a witness to this nonsense. He didn't tell her because he was hardly in touch with her and was (like a total coward) hoping someone else would tell her so he wouldn't have to. Anyway, I thought that was the end of it and she would be too embarrassed to ask for Bear again.

Today DP and I went out for a nice lunch together and, over the pudding, he mentioned, very awkwardly, that he was going out this evening... taking Bear, who is off on his Christmas holidays. He will drop Bear off with ex before meeting friends to play darts. He'll be gone a couple of hours in all.

I am 100% certain there is nothing going on with DP and his ex (or anyone else for that matter) but this has made me feel incredibly weird and uncomfortable and actually a bit insecure.

He made this arrangement with his ex and didn't tell me until a few hours before the arranged drop off. I know full well the reason he didn't tell me was because he was embarrassed about it (and rightly so!) but still, it seems disloyal to arrange things with an ex and not tell me.

And then there's the fact that it's so fucking weird! I can see, when she asked if she could have Bear for Christmas, he felt he couldn't object without seeming mean and petty or making me out to be some suspicious psycho (he knows I wasn't totally happy about the last time). He's a bit of a coward who hates conflict but also a kind man who doesn't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.

I don't know what bothers me about it so much. I had been planning to get Bear a Christmas stocking - lucky I'm not sufficiently organised to have done anything about it yet. (I think this sort of stupid infantilism about DP's bear is fine within the confines of a romantic relationship but outside of one, it's just a bit creepy).

Sorry this is so long. It's so bloody ludicrous it was hardly worth writing let alone reading!

In all this nonsense excitement, I can't be the only one who's intrigued that Ms Bear (the DP bear) borrows her dresses from Bear, surely.

Has the akward email been sent yet?

I want to see the email

I thought she borrowed her dress from one of DD's bears

Hey Mrs Bear, I hear you're looking for a new man? I'm a real bear baby, just tell me your first name and I'll but you a dress of your own 😜😜

(Wow my Polar bear is kinda sleezy!)

Actually find the "OMG you're all so weird, I'm like so totally embarrassed for you all , you should immediately break up your family over this so you can one day tell your child you left daddy over a bear. Oh and totally destroy anything of his you disapprove of cos were allowed, we're women" funnier than the bear love

We need a photo of Mrs Bear for Poley

Sounds weird. But my husband has a work colleague who took his bear to the hotel they were staying at, on a conference and told all of them he'd left bear in front of the T.V in his room. Grown man in 40-50's sales position of good company, Each to their own.

I think the email to the ex will be sent after Bear is returned (otherwise Bear may be returned in the post, one furry limb at a time). I'm not sure when Bear is due back but I think it's not until the new year.

I imagine the email from DP will be along the lines of:

Dear ex,
Thank you for giving Bear a nice Christmas but he won't be able to stay with you again, I'm afraid. I hope you don't mind. I'm giving him to my DD.
Best wishes,
Your ex [My DP]

To which the response will be something like:

Dear ex [My DP],
Of course I don't mind! It's just a bear. Whatever made you think I'd mind? How funny! Of course I don't mind in the least! Not me. Oh no. I certainly couldn't care less.
I hope your DD looks after Bear.
Your ex.
PS My car has been missing you. Do you fancy coming to see her?

Car would definitely be a euphemism

You were planning to get Bear a stocking? I would plan on getting a life!
If you're joking, well done, you made me laugh!

You were planning to get Bear a stocking? I would plan on getting a life!
If you're joking, well done, you made me laugh!

MommaGee, I think we have a perfect match there as my bear is also a polar bear and (judging from her relationship with Bear) sleazy is exactly her type.

I don't know why but I've felt really protective of my poor bear and haven't wanted to spread her name and image all over the internet, but I suppose there's no particular reason why..

So here is Phyllis. She is at least 30 and, as you can see, a rather morose bear (not surprisingly really, given what Bear and Kevin have put her through).

She's just a sad case trying to hold on to your DP but YANBU having fun with the bear.

I don't name my car or anything but I do irrationally think stuffed animals have feelings. I had a lump in my throat when I gave sack loads of my old cuddly toys and the kids soft toys, to charity. It was time to get rid of them and to make space, so I'm not completely weird, although I kept a few favourites. I think I am just as attached to DS's childhood bear as he is. Even as a cool teenager I think that bear would be the first thing he would save in a fire. I didn't realise it was so looked down on to have teddy conversations. Maybe my saving grace is that I don't force DH to participate. I do think that DS and I will be cherishing our love of soft toys for a bit longer but I now realise I need to make sure he drops it when he gets a girlfriend!

P.S. I think Mrs Bear should contact the NSPCB (National Society for the Protection of Bears) for help with her boundary issues and maybe to help find Kevin.
And if you find Kevin make sure he has the telephone number for Bearline if he has issues he need to discuss.

Does Mrs Bear go for the more mature older bear?
I've got one who is at least 55 years old.
He's had a lot of work done. No hip replacememts but he's got all 4 paws replaced with velvet

If the bear is your dp's and he has the real connection with it, then why does the ex get it over Christmas? Surely any special holidays should be spent with dp?

Love this thread, and agree that all the posters frothing in humourless angst and demanding OP burn the bear, leave her husband, STOP being whimsical and imaginative (ffs, they have kids, I'm sure they love the bear family) are the most hilarious.

I actually hadn't realised quite how many people got wigged out and upset if EVERYONE. DOESN'T. CONFORM. EXACTLY.

Carry on OP you are a delightful breath of light relief. Has Phyllis considered therapy?

Has anyone suggested that the ex might have implanted some kind of recording device within Bear's stuffing, which must be replaced at regular intervals?

Bear is not a cutesy bear at all. He is a foul-mouthed, port-quaffing, whoring bastard. He probably has gout

OP I love you and your bears and the whole story (aside from the seemingly desperate and sad ex) has cheered me up no end!

I'm printing Kevin posters as we speak...

Bear I think Poley is 29? I think I was 6. I think they're a perfect match and it'll teach rude Bear a lesson!! He also said he'd help find Kevin and raise him as his own

breakfast if they have to fight for the beautiful Phyllis, remember mine is 20 years younger

I would tell her to get stuffed!

Op your letter from the ex with the comment on the car made me chuckle.

I had a friend whose parents were like this about their collection of dolls. She now looks back on her childhood as a not very happy one where she as an actual child came second to all the fussing over bloody dolls. Just prepare yourself for what your DD may have to say about you, your partner and his ex and the bear saga in years to come.

OP Christmas is a time for families. The ex clearly has little empathy separating Bear from Phyllis who is no doubt worried sick about missing Kevin, at this time.

I'm so glad that I found this thread, as I now feel less lonely (or mad). My BF gave me a baby wolf, who has a name and we were talking about whether or not he can come to the UK with me for Xmas or not. I did mention that he hadn't had his rabies jab (because I can’t really see the vet being very understanding about it, plus the fact that I don’t want to traumatize the poor thing) and then he mentioned that he didn't have a passport. We do try to be responsible parents, but it's not easy. On top of that he keeps trying to seduce my wooden cat statues. I regularly come home from work in the evening to find him in the most compromising positions.
Thank you Mumsnet, I now know that I am not alone.