..to be upset that DP shares custody of his teddy bear with his ex?

[BearProblems]

DP and I have been together 2 and a half years. We live together and have a DC. A few months before we got together, DP had split with his ex, who he'd been with for over a decade. Their split was amicable but they've hardly had any contact since. She seems to be a perfectly nice person. They have no DCs.

When DP moved in, over a year ago, his ex came to my house to collect Bear who was going "on holiday" with her. DP hadn't warned me this was happening, and I was just expecting her to drop some of DP's stuff off. DP did the handing over but it was all unbearably awkward. DP hadn't told her that he was moving in with me (we have known each other vaguely for years) so she couldn't have been expecting the new girlfriend to be a witness to this nonsense. He didn't tell her because he was hardly in touch with her and was (like a total coward) hoping someone else would tell her so he wouldn't have to. Anyway, I thought that was the end of it and she would be too embarrassed to ask for Bear again.

Today DP and I went out for a nice lunch together and, over the pudding, he mentioned, very awkwardly, that he was going out this evening... taking Bear, who is off on his Christmas holidays. He will drop Bear off with ex before meeting friends to play darts. He'll be gone a couple of hours in all.

I am 100% certain there is nothing going on with DP and his ex (or anyone else for that matter) but this has made me feel incredibly weird and uncomfortable and actually a bit insecure.

He made this arrangement with his ex and didn't tell me until a few hours before the arranged drop off. I know full well the reason he didn't tell me was because he was embarrassed about it (and rightly so!) but still, it seems disloyal to arrange things with an ex and not tell me.

And then there's the fact that it's so fucking weird! I can see, when she asked if she could have Bear for Christmas, he felt he couldn't object without seeming mean and petty or making me out to be some suspicious psycho (he knows I wasn't totally happy about the last time). He's a bit of a coward who hates conflict but also a kind man who doesn't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.

I don't know what bothers me about it so much. I had been planning to get Bear a Christmas stocking - lucky I'm not sufficiently organised to have done anything about it yet. (I think this sort of stupid infantilism about DP's bear is fine within the confines of a romantic relationship but outside of one, it's just a bit creepy).

Sorry this is so long. It's so bloody ludicrous it was hardly worth writing let alone reading!

Find Kevin and give Kevin to the ex. If his always missing anyway it'll be fine.

It's not the ex's fault, people of MN.

The DP is doing some weird cult shit. Ex has Stockholm Syndrome. As does the OP.

Someone should call 101. Or possible 999.

I don't think him having a teddy bear is weird, my nan has one we call Robert and I've bought him clothes (gosh that sounds strange to wrote down). I find the fact that he drops the bear off at his ex's to go holiday very odd. I'd buy her a new bear and have them say goodbye! Apart from that I think it's disrespectful to you as they're staying in touch due to visitation rights for a stuffed toy

I've pointed out to DP, as PPs have said, that it's not poor Bear people are laughing at. DP is a bit hurt about me making him an object of ridicule on the internet but he has acknowledged that it's not really appropriate to lend Bear to the ex and we've apologised to each other.

He says he feels guilty about splitting up with his ex and thought letting her have Bear would cheer her up a bit and make him feel less guilty. (He didn't leave her for anyone or behave particularly badly, as far as I know; they'd just drifted apart and he decided to call it a day).

So, after this I think there will be no more visits with the ex. Bear will come home to his DP and hopefully their DS will return and they will live happily ever after.

And in a year or two our DD can have ALL the fucking bears and we can stop taking Bear to the football and buying him Christmas presents.

The most boggling thing about this - even more so than the OP being persuaded to buy stockings and knit scarves - is that the ex-g is prepared to throw her dignity under the bus with both hands, for the bear.

I don't think that's the most boggling thing.

When Bear is at his step mum's house does his wife and Kevin go with him? If you and DP break up will you seperate Bear from his wife and child? So many questions...

Has his ex not moved on bear?

Moved on, as in got another partner. She's clearly very keen on your dp still.

And I swear on all that Mumsnet considers holy (gin? ruched skirts?) that, when Bear returns in the New Year, there will be a Bear Fashion Shoot thread just for you.

Haha this thread is batshit crazy in the loveliest way. Its just a silly teddy bear and as long as your sure your dp isnt holding a candle for his ex then i dont see the problem. I think its sweet you partake in bears life 🤗

If you're going to remain party to this strangeness, I think you need to mark your territory with Bear. Make him some underwear with "I heart (your name)" all over it and make sure he's wearing it under his pyjamas next time he visits ex. Or tell her he needs driving lessons and ask her to stump up half the cost, like any other reasonable NRP.

Yes!

I agree with miss, it does sound very sweet. The ex being so involved is an issue though.

Is this actually a thread on MN, or am I just having another of my little 'episodes' and hallucinating the whole thing?

Bear although deeply unnerving is not a problem. The ex IS deeply unnerving a fucking problem.

Your DP "really loves" the bear? He does know that it's a few bits of cloth and stuffing, doesn't he?

Burn the bear sorted

Chop the ducker in half problem solved

It really doesnt make someone attractive. It would seriously put me off someone if they took a sodding bear to the football and had their step mum buy it clothes as presents. Ffs, how ridiculous. I cant believe you indulge this twaddle OP.

The DP, right northern?

This would annoy the shit out of me, jointly because of her cheek turning up innocent-faced to ask for the bear and him encouraging it!

Honestly I've known couples try to share custody of actual living pets which always peters out after a year or so... Bears do not die. There is no end in sight!

ExP is laughing at you yes. She's using this beat as an excuse to stay part of your OHs life and he is allowing. She must be sat there wetting herself at all of this

I bet Kevin is with Perry....are you Mrs Patterson?

"Scuse me Mrs Patterson. Can I have a jam sandwhich please"

OK, so the needy woman-baby ex has been dealt with; you agree that she's clinging on to the bear situation because she's not over your DP.

So ... now what does it say about your DP that he's clinging on obsessively to a bear that was bought for him by another ex-girlfriend when he was 18 and having his stepmother make clothes for it? What's cute about someone still obsessing to the point of weirdness over a love token from someone else?

My boyfriend bought me a teddy bear when I was 18, but when we split up it sat in my room for a bit and then I gave it to a five-year-old relative, because, you know, I'm an adult who doesn't use a naff gift from a relationship I had when I was a teenager into a weird comfort blanket. I didn't keep it for 22 years and make all my subsequent boyfriends fuss over it, buy it presents, dress it in little clothes and take it on holidays!