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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU he wants to go to funeral alone

33 replies

letmeeatcakes · 07/12/2016 12:45

My partner of 16 years has just lost a friend he has known since uni days and has always maintained that he is a very good friend of his. Due to distance, we moved to europe six years ago, we dont see them often but did attend their daughters wedding a few months back, I booked/paid the accommodation, flights and jumped the hoops getting our daughters out of school so that we could all go as stated on the invite, I have been the one who corresponds albeit I must admit rarely, and I was the one who had to break the news to him about his death. I really like and respect the family and my partner has just told me he wants to go alone to the funeral. I feel really hurt and am now finding it really hard to be supportive towards him because of the resentment I feel. Am i being a drama llama and just swallow the hurt i feel

OP posts:

BaldBaby1970 · 07/12/2016 12:48

YANBU to want to go, particularly as you say you are friends with the family, enough to attend family wedding etc. Has he said why he wants to go alone?

BobbyNoggle · 07/12/2016 12:48

There may be other people who went to Uni going to the funeral; in which case it may be better for you not to go as you may feel left out?
Difficult one, sorry

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2016 13:29

Is it because of cost?

On the surface, YANBU, but he needs to explain why.

TitaniasCloset · 07/12/2016 13:31

Yanbu.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/12/2016 13:33

Has he given you a reason?

TwitterQueen1 · 07/12/2016 13:34

I don't see why you paying for accommodation and more for a visit 'entitles' you to go to the funeral. If you DH wants to go alone, why won't you let him?

You say he was a uni friend of your DH's and so I guess there will be others from their student days. Maybe your DH would just like to attend as a 'uni mate', not as a husband + wife. I imagine the uni friends would just like to relive uni days.

I think YABU.

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2016 13:35

What has he said is the reason he wants to go alone?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2016 13:44

I agree with TwitterQueen. It's his friend from university, not yours, so his claim really. I can see that you feel a bit hurt by it but since when do wives need to attend everything that their husbands do? To me it just smacks a little of the wife mistakenly thinking that she is the controller of all activities that take place in a family, like some sort of 'hub' that everything must go through for sanction.

I would not like this at all. In your circumstances, I would only attend if he wanted me there because your husband feels strongly about this.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 07/12/2016 13:48

Maybe he doesn't want to cry in front of you?

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 13:48

Another in total agreement with twitterqueen

Oblomov16 · 07/12/2016 14:09

He's your dh's friend from Uni. YABU, even though you went to the wedding, it was him who was predominately invited.
My dh goes to most funerals alone, although I have been to 1 or 2 of them, because they are predominantly his friends. I am staggered by your response.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 07/12/2016 14:13

It's his friend so uni so I get why he wants to go along TBH.

I certainly wouldn't be hurt by my DH wanting to go alone just like my DH wasn't hurt when I attended a friends funeral alone this year after she lost her fight to cancer

EatTheCake · 07/12/2016 14:17

Yes I think your being a drama larma and making it about you and your feelings

It's your DH uni friend and he wishes to attend the funeral alone, which I think is a perfectly understandable request.

Why did you take your daughter out of school and book flights etc? Did your DH ask you to and go to the funeral with him or did you take "control"

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2016 14:20

I think that was for the wedding, EatTheCake. I read it the same way you have too at first.

kath6144 · 07/12/2016 14:30

I dont think you are BU, a funeral is to pay your respects to someone, if you knew them well enough to go to the daughters wedding as a family, then you should be able to attend the funeral.

One of my Uni friends lost her DH almost 2yrs ago, after a long illness. There were loads of his uni friends at the funeral, some doing Eulogies, all reminiscing about their uni days. Almost without exception they had spouses with them.

My DH attended with me, even though he had only seen the deceased a handful of times in recent years, as usually I met my friend with other girl firends. But it was about my DH showing his respect, both to the guy who had died, and to his wife, my close friend.

BaldBaby1970 · 07/12/2016 15:42

... it was him who was predominately invited

where did it say that?

Having actually read the OP, it is clear that OP has a relationship with the family (wife and daughter of her husband's friends) and is not expecting to go just because she once booked a plane ticket to visit this guy.

My DH socialises with me and my old Uni friends to the point that I would invite him in this situation. We are adults and a bit passed the "my friends, not yours" stage.

Anyway, the key here is why does the OP's DH wants to go on his own. If he does have a compelling reason then perhaps just let it go OP and support him.

Iloveswears · 07/12/2016 16:15

I find this very odd. I'm of Irish descent and funerals are usually huge affairs with anyone who wants to pay their respects welcome. It's not like an invite only type event?
I would find this weird, but then unless you tell us what reason your dh has given for wanting to go alone I can't comment further. He may have a good reason but he does need to explain it.
I can't imagine telling my dh he can't come to one of my old friends funerals, he's spent time with all of them, why wouldn't he want to go?

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 16:27

Because of your history it is odd that DP feels it is up to him wether or not you go to this funeral. It's not about an old girlfriend also being there is it?

sparklybluelights · 07/12/2016 16:31

It's not about an old girlfriend also being there is it?

What I'm thinking.

ZoFloMoFo · 07/12/2016 16:31

If you were honestly the main point of contact and you genuinely consider the wife and children as friends and feel that you'd like to, or should support them, go to the funeral. You don't need your husband's permission.

sparklybluelights · 07/12/2016 16:32

Sometimes a funeral is as much about meeting up with old friends as it is about saying goodbye to the deceased.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 16:33

Do you think it might be because he's worried about him getting really, really emotional?

As in a looking at the wife and child and thinking this is what it could be like if anything happened to me sort of way, as well as being really sad he had lost a friend?

sparklybluelights · 07/12/2016 16:33

He wants to play at being a singleton for a few days.
Or will it be a whole week he's away on his own?

WankingMonkey · 07/12/2016 16:36

I don't understand people who want to go to funerals. I avoid them like the plague unless its a close family member. I think your partner may feel awkward with you there as he is chance to be talking about old times and such that happened before you even met him.

5000candlesinthewind · 07/12/2016 16:41

I do think yabu a bit. I can understand why you want to go but he was mainly his friend.

It is weird that he doesn't want you to go. I would be a bit about his reasoning.

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