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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncomfortable kisses

42 replies

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 11:44

Have a family member that has substance abuse and alcohol issues. Is always incredibly inappropriate when drunk (verbally, graphic details of made-up sexual encounters, horrible language, lewd).

I don't want him hugging / kissing me anymore. He's so drunk that it turns out like a frenchie on my cheek, I feel repulsed by it and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke and alcohol on him.

On the other hand, I know if I refuse him asking to kiss me it's going to cause a massive family argument.

AIBU to say no (unless he's not been using and is sober, which is never going to happen) and if so, how to I stop the wider family dynamics erupting?

Or do I just suck it up because he's got issues and he doesn't mean to be like this...?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2016 11:48

No, don't suck it up, you have a right not to be kissed if you don't want to be.

If you can't get around it by having stuff in your arms to prevent it, or a viable excuse, ie. a cold brewing (and he could still say he doesn't mind about that anyway), then just say - 'Nice to see you' with a big friendly slap on his shoulder and walk away.

Men are not faced with this problem, it seems, just women and girls and it's enough. We shouldn't and don't have to put up with this.

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 11:52

How old are you and what is the relationship? It must be a close family member if you can't just avoid him

TheFlyingFauxPas · 07/12/2016 11:52

I wasn't drunk or abusing substances but I still managed to pat a boyfriend's elderly grandmother on one of her breasts while kissing her. Some people just aren't so good at kissing.

Original poster
HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 11:52

Trifleorbust Don't want to say either, sorry. I'm an adult.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 11:59

You obviously don't have to, but is there no way you could just cut contact with this person?

Original poster
HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 12:11

Trifleorbust I am thinking about this, but it's not possible right now, already had one unsuccessful attempt as bloody family members kept "accidentally" having us in the same room, at the same time, with just the two of us.

thank you for all the responses, least i feel i am not being a complete wuss on it.

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:12

No - you don't just suck it up. It sounds like the whole family are walking on eggshells around him but by doing so they're enabling his addictions.

The kisses are the least of your problems - you are not responsible for maintaining family harmony. It would be completely sensible and acceptable to decline all contact with someone who is always drunk and inappropriate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2016 12:14

Hoops if your family members are doing that, I would be saying to them... "Look, I don't know why you're putting me and Eggbert in the same room together all the time but I don't appreciate it. Stop doing it please.".

Could you do that, do you think? Doesn't need to be said in front of Eggbert and you don't need to go into the reasons why either. I would pay heed of your request certainly.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:15

as bloody family members kept "accidentally" having us in the same room, at the same time, with just the two of us.

Nope - no way. You DO NOT have to dance to that tune just to make everyone feel better and assist in carrying on pretending that everything is normal.

You're not a wuss. This is wrong.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:16

I hope to god your family don't expect children to witness such ugly behaviour?

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2016 12:17

You walk in. He's there. Leave. Make it clear you no longer want to see this person and why.
He is assaulting you. Sounds sexual too.

Original poster
HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 12:21

It's not sexual. It's definitely not sexual. Just to make that super clear.

And no, no children around. I'm the youngest and I am an adult.

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:24

So I presume the person / persons inviting him / having him there just desperately want everything to be ok. They need to go along to an Alanon meeting.

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 12:24

Can you say, "God, you stink" and push him off you? I think you have to make a stand to stop his behaviour, or remove yourself from the situation.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:26

OP said the family dynamics will 'erupt' and there would be a big argument if she stands up for herself..

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 12:27

Then I have no more suggestions Confused

You either accept that consequence, take a step back and leave the room, or allow it to keep happening. I can't see another option.

Klaphat · 07/12/2016 12:29

already had one unsuccessful attempt as bloody family members kept "accidentally" having us in the same room, at the same time, with just the two of us

Tbh this sort of 'accidental' thing doesn't happen except where the family members know there is something not quite OK and want to stamp on it instead of dealing with it. Whether what is 'not quite OK' is the way the relative behaves towards you, or the way they disregard your autonomy, whatever - the point is that they wouldn't be doing it if nothing was amiss. So rest assured that it's not you being weird.

Original poster
HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 12:29

Trifleorbust Thank you - I think you are totally correct - I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being soft / it sounded inappropriate / uncomfortable to a wider population.

Baconandeggies Can families go if the person themselves won't go?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/12/2016 12:30

A "frenchie" on your face?! Not a normal kiss.
You don't have to allow this to happen. No normal family would allow this to continue. Nobody gets to kiss you without your permission.

Klaphat · 07/12/2016 12:31

And yes this seems like one of those points in this kind of family where there is no happy, frictionless solution for everybody. You either accept this shit or you reject it and ride out the drama as best you can.

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 12:32

I don't want to be correct! It would be so much better if this could end, wouldn't it? Isn't it worth the temporary eruption of whichever members of your family are putting you in this situation to reclaim your own own space?

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:33

Can families go if the person themselves won't go?

Yes - Alanon is purely for the families or friends of alcoholics (as opposed to AA)

Please consider going along to a meeting, they're super friendly and welcoming:- www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Fuckityhi · 07/12/2016 12:33

Cause the row.

If you don't want to be kissed, refuse. If anyone has a problem with you, and think you should be kissed against your wishes, they're arseholes.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:36

The blurb about Alanon says:-

"Someone else's drinking can affect your life .... Someone else's uncontrolled and uncontrollable drinking can:

  • turn love to hate
  • bring you to the depths of despair
  • affect you financially
  • lead to violent outbursts
  • make you doubt your own sanity
  • make you think that you are the problem
  • Whatever your relationship to the drinker, whatever your story, Al-Anon can help