Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Uncomfortable kisses

42 replies

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 11:44

Have a family member that has substance abuse and alcohol issues. Is always incredibly inappropriate when drunk (verbally, graphic details of made-up sexual encounters, horrible language, lewd).

I don't want him hugging / kissing me anymore. He's so drunk that it turns out like a frenchie on my cheek, I feel repulsed by it and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke and alcohol on him.

On the other hand, I know if I refuse him asking to kiss me it's going to cause a massive family argument.

AIBU to say no (unless he's not been using and is sober, which is never going to happen) and if so, how to I stop the wider family dynamics erupting?

Or do I just suck it up because he's got issues and he doesn't mean to be like this...?

OP posts:

Original poster

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 12:42

Thank you everybody - I am definitely going to go the al anon meeting - I had no idea it was for friends / families.

And yes, no more kissing - I will be polite and deal with any potential fall out. I honestly don't think he means to frenchie my cheek - it's because he's so out of control of his own actions.

Thank you for the information (and my new pair of balls!).

OP posts:

Millymollymanatee · 07/12/2016 12:43

Cause the row.

If you don't want to be kissed, refuse. If anyone has a problem with you, and think you should be kissed against your wishes, they're arseholes.

This says it all.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 12:45

I know if I refuse him asking to kiss me it's going to cause a massive family argument.

What kind of people are these?

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:50

Well done Hoops - sounds like a good plan :)

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 07/12/2016 12:50

I spent decades being scared to rock the boat with some members of my family. I was scared to cause a scene and upset people... people who in fact showed no sign of giving a crap about my feelings, when I thought about it! I'd just been brought up feeling that what I wanted didn't matter and I had to tiptoe around family members who would kick off if they weren't pandered to – and that lasted with me well into adulthood.

Well finally in my 40s I said f*ck this and stood up for myself. Yes, the shit hit the fan, but in the end what could they do? I've made it clear I'm not taking any of their crap any more, and actually it's not the end of the world after all.

As Fuckityhi says, "cause the row". It's worth causing a row over having to endure this. You shouldn't have to, its vile. What if it was a stranger on the street? You'd have every right to make a massive fuss and so you should. You can see this the same way – you can say nbo to it.

ThereIsOneRoomLeft · 07/12/2016 12:50

That is just disgusting. Why the hell should you accept a disgusting kiss from someone who is not fully in control of themselves and stinking of booze?? Relative or not, it is NOT acceptable to force yourself on anyone, especially a male family member on a female family member, sexual or not. Sounds like your family is putting this person ahead of you and your thoughts and feelings in the matter. Why is the person more important than you?

Afraid it is put up or shut up. You have tried talking about it with other relatives from what you have said? And they have continued to put this person above you.

So either carry on allowing it. Or stop allowing it and assert your right to not be slobbered over. Which I know will be much easier said than done.

Is the contact frequent? Would it mean you leaving where you live to make sure you did not come into contact with this person?

Original poster

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 12:50

What kind of people are these?

People who don't want to rock the boat with their relatives drug / alcohol use because they think it will make the situation worse and they are currently scared shitless he's going to die from an accidental overdose. It's not really straightforward thinking at the moment with things, hence why I am worried it could be turned into a bigger issue than it should be.

OP posts:

VioletRoar · 07/12/2016 12:52

Hoops id assume we were related if I was just judging by your post! We have someone almost identical in our family, dreading Christmas.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:53

^ yep. But they're not responsible for his actions - hard as it is.

Fuckityhi · 07/12/2016 12:53

You defo need to get yourself to an alanon meeting if you're "protecting" this person at your own expense. Alanon can help you with looking after yourself first, because you are too good to put up with this shite.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 12:57

His drugs an alcohol abuse is an explanation but it's not an excuse. It doesn't make it right and your family have no right to accept you to smooth things over.

A friend of mine killed himself (well, death by misadventure) via substance abuse after his family took a stand. It was sad but it wasn't their fault. Addiction is an awful terrible disease but that doesn't make inappropriate behaviour acceptable.

The 'softly softly' approach out of fear actually enables their addictions.

BonsGirl · 07/12/2016 12:59

A frenchie on your face??? Fuck no, I wouldn't entertain that!

Original poster

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 13:01

VioletRoar I think we are probably two of many families, sadly.

ThereIsOneRoomLeft No, contact is not frequent - it's not everyday. We had a wedding on Saturday and it's my brothers birthday party on Friday evening (which is what prompted me to ask now- I've been stewing on it).

OP posts:

ThisThingCalledLife · 07/12/2016 13:02

as bloody family members kept "accidentally" having us in the same room, at the same time, with just the two of us.

I've experienced similar behavior (diff situation) from family members and i felt violated. I was also disgusted at them and lost a lot of respect for them.

Only good thing about it was the scales falling from my eyes and seeing them as individuals instead of mum/dad etc.
Which was enough to help me emotionally detach from their games.
It's hard being the only dissenting 'voice' but you know what - if they don't care about your feelings and have no respect for your autonomy, then you have to show them it's unacceptable.
They're all enablers in their own way - but you don't have to be.

God, imagine how the kids in the family feel being forced into contact with him.

If anyone did that to me nowadays i'd just be very blunt about it - leave them to figure out how they're gonna brush it under the carpet.

Original poster

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 13:06

ThisThingCalledLife I'm the youngest in our family (on this side) and I am an adult - no kids.

And when I have them, he won't be having any contact with them unless he is clean, sober, and his behaviour has improved.

OP posts:

MunchMunch · 07/12/2016 13:21

I always be "on the toilet" when he leaves so I can just shout bye down the stairs. Get the gist of when he's leaving and make a run for it. No, you shouldn't have to but really, who wants to cause an argument and make someone feel even worse about themselves?

ThereIsOneRoomLeft · 07/12/2016 14:08

I felt sorry for him then and your family being fearful he may die.

Then I re read 'as bloody family members kept "accidentally" having us in the same room, at the same time, with just the two of us.' and stopped feeling sorry for them.

Abusive family here so I do get sucked in. But the very fact they have not been bystanders, but actually deliberately put you back into close contact with him speaks volumes.

Good luck with politely asserting your boundries!! And going to al anon. At least one person in the family have their eyes open! x

Flip

1 2