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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this abuse? Should I do anything?

36 replies

SarahJane333 · 07/12/2016 10:38

I'm having counseling sessions at the moment, I'm about 10 sessions in and very casually mentioned that when I was 13/14 I was in a relationship with a 28 year old man, who worked for my parents. My therapist stopped me and pointed out that I was a child, we then talked about it and now I'm really confused. I had a complicated childhood and blame myself for everything, constantly feel guilty about everything and have always felt I was responsible for this relationship.

I thought that I was just as 'involved' in the instigation of the relationship and have never felt like I was raped, it was all consensual but actually how could it have been? I was so young. What on earth was he thinking? I have nieces who are around this age and my daughter is almost 12 and is so childlike still, I can only imagine how I must have looked and behaved? I've always felt like I was very mature as a young teen but I wonder how true that is? Would you do anything?

I've hardly thought about this for years, now I'm concerned. I know he has a daughter and I wonder if this was a one off for him or if he has persued other young girls. Not at all sure what I should do, if anything.

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 10:41

If you had sex with an adult when you were a minor then, yes, this was sexual abuse and he committed an offence. No 28 yr old goes for a young teen unless he has something wrong with him. Whether you consented at the time was irrelevant - you were too young to have the capacity to understand how wrong it was iyswim.

YANBU to make a report at your local police station.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 10:42

Ywnbu, I mean.

KayTee87 · 07/12/2016 10:46

I second the above. He's a disgusting pig, probably wasn't the first time and won't be the last. I hope you can come to terms with it, sounds like you've had a tough time

xStefx · 07/12/2016 10:48

It was abuse, lets hope he hasn't been continuing his antics with other children. I would report it

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 07/12/2016 10:49

You were not responsible for this relationship. You were below the age of consent, meaning that you weren't in a position to give informed consent. YWNBU to contact the police.

thethoughtfox · 07/12/2016 10:50

I'm so sorry. Did your parents know? If he, and I presume he did, tell you it had to be a secret, this might make it clearer for you, that it was wrong and he knew it.

Original poster

SarahJane333 · 07/12/2016 10:53

No my parents did not know but I have always felt that they would have blamed me.

Does anyone know what would actually happen if I did report this? It was so long ago, about 17 years. Surely there's no way of proving anything. What of it was just a one off and I ruin his life over this?

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 10:57

I don't know what would happen exactly if you contacted the police but maybe you could chat to a helpline like rape crisis first?

What of it was just a one off and I ruin his life over this?

That's not your decision to make. He committed a serious crime and you're not responsible for keeping it a secret. You owe him nothing.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/12/2016 10:58

Yes how horrid for you to look back through different lenses and realise all was not as it seemed.

Like looking the wrong way down a telescope, then switching it round and realising you were seeing everything bent and twisted...

Me and my next door neighbour used to think we were so very grown up, so very 'mature'... and had no idea that we just weren't, we were just kids, no matter how we dressed up and how we put on our 'grown up' and cynical airs!

But really, no man goes out with a young teen unless theyre getting off on it in some way that is not part of a normal relationship. Maybe the age gap gives them power and control, maybeyhey get off on a teenager doing anything and everything to show how much they love their 'boyfriend'? Hero worship? Slavish adoration? Innocence? Etc etc... and none of that is harmless, from a grown up point of view.

There's something very wrong with a man in his late 20s wanting to go out with a 14-15yr old... it's not the compliment it probably seemed at the time.

Did your parents know about the relationship?

Allfednonedead · 07/12/2016 10:58

Sorry, but he deserves to have his life ruined over this! Ugh.

I don't have anything more constructive to say other than perhaps it would be a good idea to think and talk about it some more with your therapist.

You may not feel damaged by this, and I hope that's true, but further consideration may change your perception of how it affected you.

In any case, that's no defence of his abhorrent behaviour.

KayTee87 · 07/12/2016 10:59

Sarahjane please do not worry about ruining his life, he didn't care much about you when he was abusing you at 13.
Try to imagine it was your daughter in a year or so time - would you be worried about running the mans life then? You are just as important so please take care of yourself.

Original poster

SarahJane333 · 07/12/2016 11:07

Thank you. It was exactly the thought of my daughter being in a sexual relationship with someone that old with the next year or so that made me view things very differently.

My perception on the whole situation was really thrown yesterday during my session and I am feeling very confused. Thank you all so much for your kind comments.

OP posts:

hungryhippo90 · 07/12/2016 11:11

Sarahjane, I highly doubt that this would have been a one off type of situation. This wasn't a man who met you and slept with you, not being 100% certain of your age.

By the sounds of it, this was a man who came into your life via a relationship that he had with your parents. That in itself screams predatory behaviour.

If he has a daughter of a similar age, I would seriously consider reporting this, because if he is as predatory as I believe he could be, there would be ample chance for him to take advantage of girls a similar age.

When I was at school it was found out that one of our friends dads was sleeping with 2 of our social circle. Looking back, at that time both of them were going through a rough time at home. One had just been sent to live with her dad, then sent to live with her nan for half the week. The others Dad had just died of cancer.

To both of them, they were just having a relationship with him, and no one understood because we didn't know him like they did... years on I'm sure they look back and see he was a paedophile.

Where did you get the notion your parents would blame you? Was it something he implied?

Leanback · 07/12/2016 11:13

you were taken advantage of op. Hope counselling has been helpful.

hungryhippo90 · 07/12/2016 11:21

Can I also just say, a man doesn't make an exception for that one. Not when that one is a child.
If he were a normal man, even if you had of tried it on with him, he would have turned you down flatly, he would have been aghast, he would have told you, im going to have to make your parents aware, he would have told your parents, to protect both you, as a child who had no business having sex, and he as a grown up.

Honestly. If a boy of 12 propositioned you, what would you do? Surely you'd not make an exception and sleep with him? Why not? Because he's a child.

TitaniasCloset · 07/12/2016 11:34

I'm so sorry you went through this, you are not to blame at all and yes it was abuse. Sounds like you have a good therapist though, which is great, discuss your options with her next time you see her. You don't HAVE to go to the police and even if you do you will need support with this. Take good care of yourself now as it must have thrown your world upside down realising this. Do something nice for yourself today and tomorrow and go easy on yourself. If you need to sleep then sleep for a bit, all my love

TitaniasCloset · 07/12/2016 11:37

Hungry is spot on, if this was a woman having sex with a 12 year old boy we would all feel sickened.

Original poster

SarahJane333 · 07/12/2016 12:50

I know what you're saying about a 12 year old boy and I totally agree. But it just seems different. I'm not sure how old I looked at 13/14? I guess I've spent so long thinking I was responsible for the whole thing it's taking a while to realign my thinking.

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 07/12/2016 12:53

It will take a while to process. Give yourself time. I suppose in a way its easier to think that you were responsible or equally participating as that gives a feeling of control perhaps?

Jiggl · 07/12/2016 12:59

It doesn't matter how old you looked at that age. It was still wrong of him because he knew how old you were.

The thought of being attracted to a boy of 13 or 14 when I was 28 is repugnant to me- even if that boy had the deepest voice and hairiest face - because I would know his young age. And if said boy had a crush on me he'd be gently rebuffed and maybe I'd mention to his parents if I felt that he was getting a bit obsessed. But I'd not touch him. Because that would be totally wrong. It would feel wrong.

This man is not like that. It's a lot to get your head around right now, so take some time to process it with your therapist, and do have a think about reporting it if you feel able.

Leanback · 07/12/2016 13:05

You are one hundred and ten percent not responsible. You were a child. He was an adult.

Classic grooming tactic to force the victim to do the persuing. It makes the person feeling groomed feel responsible for the relationship, I have seen it in countless examples of teenagers dating men in their twenties 'oh he said I was too young at first and was resistant'. It gives the victim something to prove, that they can be 'mature' enough to be with that person.

Keep telling yourself it's not our fault until you believe it. Because it is absolutely not your fault.

Meemolly · 07/12/2016 13:14

I just wonder if you should discuss all of this with your therapist if you are unsure of your next step? Sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now and that you have a lot that needs to be aired.

gwenneh · 07/12/2016 13:16

It is very easy to be confused because you are just now viewing the situation as an adult as opposed to as a child, and your therapist will probably help you unpack a lot of that.

You were groomed, and abused. You cannot be held responsible for that and the confusion you're feeling now stems from the emotional tactics used on you while being groomed.

And no, the overwhelming odds are you were not the only one. So in the interest of safety for the girls around him now, I would indeed say something.

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