Is this abuse? Should I do anything?

[SarahJane333]

I'm having counseling sessions at the moment, I'm about 10 sessions in and very casually mentioned that when I was 13/14 I was in a relationship with a 28 year old man, who worked for my parents. My therapist stopped me and pointed out that I was a child, we then talked about it and now I'm really confused. I had a complicated childhood and blame myself for everything, constantly feel guilty about everything and have always felt I was responsible for this relationship.

I thought that I was just as 'involved' in the instigation of the relationship and have never felt like I was raped, it was all consensual but actually how could it have been? I was so young. What on earth was he thinking? I have nieces who are around this age and my daughter is almost 12 and is so childlike still, I can only imagine how I must have looked and behaved? I've always felt like I was very mature as a young teen but I wonder how true that is? Would you do anything?

I've hardly thought about this for years, now I'm concerned. I know he has a daughter and I wonder if this was a one off for him or if he has persued other young girls. Not at all sure what I should do, if anything.

You are well within your rights to report him for his horrible crimes. As someone else said you were groomed and abused. It's not your fault in any way. This is exactly why there are laws about this, a 13yr old is simply not capable of looking after themselves in this situation and should never have to do there is a law against sexually abusing minors.

I also think it's highly likely he has groomed and assaulted other young girls so you could potentially be putting a stop to him damaging other girls. It's not your responsibility to protect him. He made his choices and was an adult when he made them. If he thinks he did nothing wrong, well, that's for him to defend! He has every right to try.

But what he did was morally and legally awful.

I was abused in my early teens. I was aware that what was happening was wrong, but I blamed myself for having in some way invited it by getting into his car. It took me many years to recognize that not only was what happened to me a crime, he was about 15 years older than me and knew I was well under the age of consent. So he was not just nasty, he was a serious offender and a risk to young girls.

Unfortunately by the time I registered all this, life had moved on, he had vanished from my social scene and I didn't know his surname, so I couldn't have told anyone even had I wanted to. It did help me to re-process what had happened as an adult, to recognize what a bastard he was, and to understand that none of it was my fault.

Sounds like you have got a really good therapist. I had one when my DH died and I know just how much difference a good therapist came make, and with lasting effects. She will help you unravel all this, to understand with an adult's perspective what happened.

I wish you all the best. This may be a massive step forward for you: think of it as a gain, rather than a loss.

Op a very similar thing happened to me too and at a similar age. I can't remember how old he must have been as your idea on age is quite skewed when you're. Young teen but he must have been late 20s/early 30s. He was head waiter at a local hotel I waitressed at. I was aware my parents def shouldn't know about it and that I liked the attention and also however that I was doing stuff I shouldn't have been. He used to get me to smoke weed with him too. Other staff members there must have known about it and yet nothing was ever done. I can't even remember how it ended but it went on for a couple of years at least. Again, as with you, it came up in a counselling session. I think I'd buried it

I'm 27, and the mere thought of becoming in any way involved with someone that age is completely repulsive to me.
What he did was absolutely abuse, but dressed up very manipulatively to make it seem like a normal relationship. That's not ok.
And it is absolutely not your fault at all! It's a grown man taking advantage of a child. You are NOT to blame.
I would consider reporting it.

Yes it was sexual abuse, you might not think it was rape because it was not violent, but you were not in a position to consent to a sexual relationship so it was rape.

It sounds as though you are in a fairly ambivilent position about what to do next. If you feel up to it you could look up a local Rape Crisis advice line and speak to someone, you would not I think have to identify yourself.

As others have said, it is unlikely that someone who did this at age 28 did it as a one off. You could ,if you are able to, help to stop him abusing other children. you know he has a daughter, she will have friends, he will have friends with children, there will be neighbours and their children. If you can do it without damaging your own mental anxiety then you could do something incredible.

He took advantage of you. Of all the things you blame yourself for, you can at least take this one off your shoulders.
As far as doing anything about this, I think it depends on whether or not you feel that you have the bandwidth to take this on right now. Sounds like you have other issues that you are working on. You don't owe him anything but, at the same time, you also don't owe any teen girls anything. I'd say you take care of yourself and your own dd first.

Thank you so much everyone. So much of what you have all written is making a great deal of sense to me.

I do wonder if I have buried a lot of what went on, I'm starting to have some fairly vivid memories of certain things that we did and what went on and I am really questioning the whole thing. I certainly don't feel like a victim though, although I feel like I should, if that makes sense? In many ways I don't feel like it was me that it happened to, I suppose I would describe it as feeling disengaged from the whole thing. However I do know that it certainly did happen and that there's a good chance he has done the same to others and that would be my reason for reporting it, if I go down that route.

Please don't worry about ruining his life if you decide to go to the police. Any consequences for him would be as a result of his own actions. He was the adult, you were the child. It was not your fault. He wasn't worried about the impact of his actions on your life. Think about what's best for you, not what's best for him and discuss the decision with your counsellor.

I had something similar OP although not as severe. I was 12/13, he was 24. No sex but other things. I pushed passed it when it ended as I guess you do as a teen - I got distracted by the next crush etc and didn't think about him again until a few years ago (I'm in my 30s now). He was in my local paper, convicted of grooming and sexual abuse of children.
I feel terrible guilt - his victims are from after me, so if I'd said something, I maybe could have had him stopped, but as my counsellor pointed out to me - grooming is specifically designed to make what's happening feel normal. It works because, as in my case, I didn't feel like victim, I wasn't doing anything against my will. He acted like I thought a boyfriend would and I didn't know any different.
BUT, my comprehension was limited because I was a child. HE was the adult, he was the one who understood how wrong it was, and he was the one who did it anyway.

You don't have to report it, that's a very personal and difficult decision, but I definitely think you need to work through your thoughts and feelings with your councillor

Hi OP, this actually happened to me too. I was abused by a 24 year old in an am dram theatre group I was in when I was 13/14. I also thought I was responsible, which wa not helped by all the olde members of the group - all of whom were aware that somethin untoward was going on - cast me as the predator for the dual crimes of looking older and wearing lots of eyeliner.

I was so so confused about what had happened for years. When I finally talked about it to my parents, my stepfather said I had to take responsibility for it.

I now - after many years of pain and therapy - accept that it was abuse.

If you.want to talk, please feel free to message me.

Sending lots of love xx

This is so much more common than is thought. In my social group many of my peers 'dated' men well into their 20's when they themselves were 13-15. As they got older (16-20) quite often they were then picked up by men well into their 40's & 50's who also took avantage because the girls were already 'trained' by their previous abusers to accept a big age gap & certain behaviours.

Forming a more 'normal' relationship is made so much harder when you have experienced this type of grooming & normalisation of abusive behaviour.

Like a PP said it sounds like you have a good therapist and I hope they can help you process this and look at how to limit its effects on current/future relationships.

Where I grew up half the men in town would have a conviction if even two or three girls came forward, which is fucking terrifying I imagine to everyone - so everyone pretends it didn't happen/was the girls' fault/was completely normal.

Whatever you decide to do re reporting him, I admire your courage in tackling it in therapy.