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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little hurt by this ...

26 replies

Dulra · 07/12/2016 08:57

Or am I being over sensitive
So I had a significant birthday (40!!!) over the summer and invited my close friends out for the night to a bar with reserved area and laid on food platters cake etc. Had a great night and a couple of friends brought me gifts others not which was fine because we don't generally buy each other presents at birthdays so wasn't expecting anything.

Roll on now and another friend from this group of friends is having a 40th in January. She is having a party at her house. Friends have started messaging each other about putting money together to get a big gift to mark her birthday because it is such a special one and everyone is putting money in (including me) which I am happy to do but I can't help feeling a little hurt that none of them thought to do this for me and wonder why that is? Would others feel a little hurt by this?
Won't be saying anything because I already feel stupid for feeling hurt surely I am big enough and bold enough to get on with it .....

OP posts:
ArmySal · 07/12/2016 09:00

I wouldn't say anything but it would piss me right off! I'd be hurt too, arseholes Xmas Angry

ContraryToPopularBelief · 07/12/2016 09:02

I have to say I'm getting too old for shit like this. I can't think of a way to say anything where YOU don't sound like an arse despite being the innocent party.

Poor you.

hesterton · 07/12/2016 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 07/12/2016 09:05

Yes that would annoy me.

Saying something like, 'I thought we didn't get gifts, even for big birthdays?' Would be passive aggressive but so tempting.

Paddingtonthebear · 07/12/2016 09:06

I'm getting too old for shit like this too.

Were you going to get the friend with the upcoming party a present? Did she get you a present?

If you weren't planning to get her anything I wouldnt bow to pressure and I would politely decline to give to the group collection and just take a bottle of bubbly to the party. If she is someone that you would want to buy a gift for I would just buy something separate to the rest of the group

livefornaps · 07/12/2016 09:08

Yep - constantly paying into collective presents etc, my birthday is in the summer - lucky to get anything (yet people happily turn up and eat the party spread I've spent the day sweating over in mid July). not sure why but it seems to be the curse of the summer born; at the moment people are in 'giftgiving' mode anyway. It can be hurtful, but in the end it doesn't really matter. Hope you enjoy the big house party!

SinglePringle · 07/12/2016 09:09

It's probably just because someone has seen something they think Birthday Girl will like but it's pricey. They've simply got their arse in gear and corralled the rest. Nothing personal. We've done it for some friends and not for others.

Laiste · 07/12/2016 09:10

''a couple of friends brought me gifts others not which was fine because we don't generally buy each other presents at birthdays''

So you don't tend to swap presents with friends on their birthday. Nothing wrong with that but maybe this woman always does? And folk are wanting to reciprocate in a joint present for her this time?

Enidblyton1 · 07/12/2016 09:13

That would annoy me too - but it's probably just an oversight.
I assume the big present organiser is one of the people who gave you a birthday present? If not, that's v hurtful.
If she did get you a present, then she would probably assume everyone else did too.
Your friends who didn't get you a present may be feeling a little uneasy about it all - they probably weren't going to get this other friend a present, but now have to because they've been asked to contribute!!

Either way, these things happen and is no reflection of friendship Flowers

Original poster
Dulra · 07/12/2016 09:17

Thanks for your thoughts people. I am one of the ones that always does a get a gift for someone something I have always done and have never cared that others didn't. These people have been my friends for years and I guess I am just wondering why this effort wasn't done for me, they are even collecting money from people living abroad who aren't even going to party. I will be contributing would have bought birthday girl a present anyway so I'm at no loss there and it isn't the lack of a present for me that I have an issue with it is this hierarchy of friends that annoys me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dulra · 07/12/2016 09:19

Enidblyton1 the organiser of this didn't get me a present think if she had I would defo not be as bothered Sad

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 07/12/2016 09:19

Could it be that for your party they had the expense of buying drinks, and at this party it is all at her expense?

That is the only thing I can think of.

Original poster
Dulra · 07/12/2016 09:21

Possibly Scarydinosaurs. The rest of the gang will be turning 40 later next year so this trend will probably continue

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2016 09:22

I would be very hurt but say nothing. It would make me think that bit less of them. That your not As close to them as you think.

restinginmyaccount · 07/12/2016 09:23

I'd be hurt too.

CountUpTo3 · 07/12/2016 09:26

I'm sure it's not a calculated snub - they love you just as much as they love your other friend, it's just a different occasion, maybe also at a time of year when people are feeling more organised about presents in general.

I'd probably feel a bit hurt too, but being snarky won't help - keep being caring and lovely, and just let it go

DubiousCredentials · 07/12/2016 09:27

I'd be hurt too but I don't think you can say anything without sounding unreasonable.

Years ago I had a miscarriage. Obv had some time off work, people knew it had happened etc. I had worked there 9yrs. A couple of months later another woman had a miscarriage. There was a big collection among the staff and flowers sent out from the management. I hadn't even had a card.

People suck.

livefornaps · 07/12/2016 09:37

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

SilverDragonfly1 · 07/12/2016 09:37

My guess is that someone thought 'OP's party was lovely, I feel a bit bad about not getting her anything- I didn't realise how much effort she was putting into it!. A group present would have been really nice. Next time one of us has a big 40th, we really should arrange that.'

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2016 09:51

Oh dubuipus that is nasty and awful Sad some are so thoughtless.

DubiousCredentials · 07/12/2016 09:57

I don't think it was deliberately nasty. Just that the thought hadn't occured to anyone when I was off, but it did for the other woman. Which is probably what happened in the op's case too.

onelastpigout · 07/12/2016 10:08

Shit like this happens all the time.
I doubt whether it's calculated. Thoughtless, but not calculated.
Smile sweetly, carry on and rise above it.

Jabuticaba · 07/12/2016 10:32

It would depend. If the person was not a big gift giver then I would be a bit hurt. If, like one of my close friends, she has always given gifts and usually very nice, pricey or well thought out gifts then I would understand it.

You say a few people gave you gifts, was she one of them? If she was then she has probably done that for everyone else over the years. I would understand if this was the case.

DarthMother · 07/12/2016 10:36

Maybe a "Great idea, what sort of budget was set for my 40th? I had a great time and really want XXXX to as well" sort of message?