To feel I don't have to tell them why I don't want to go.

[identitychange]

Three years ago I was raped at a New Years party. One friend, a previous boss and my therapist know. No close friends know.

Some close friends have organised a trip away this new year, a few nights away in a similar area. I don't want to go. I want to stay at home and watch trashy telly.

It's now become a contentious issue, as I'm seen as the odd one for not going, for not giving a reason for it and for saying I'd rather stay by myself. I don't think I need to say, and I don't think they would respond in the way I would need them to if I did.

So, AIBU by not telling them? They've reacted so strongly that I now feel like IABU! Any advice on what I can say to them that will help the atmosphere?

Not unreasonable at all. If you suspect you would not get a helpful response from telling them, sounds like you are doing the right thing and protecting yourself. They're pushing your boundaries. If you don't want to go for whatever reason, that's up to you. It isn't your job to make them feel better about you not going iuswim

Thanks.

I was totally secure in just saying No, I won't come, but it's become such a big deal I needed some MN perspective!

Could you tell one friend that there is a good reason but you don't wish to discuss it? Ask her to tell the others to lay off as this is causing you distress. Don't engage with any more questions. They probably think they need to "persuade" you to go. I am so sorry for what you have been through.

'I don't do New Year' and leave it at that.

Going out on NYE is so last year. Grab some PJs and vino and get on that sofa.

You don't need to give a reason. You telling them that too just fancy a quiet one should be enough. I'm so sorry about what happened to you.

On second thoughts maybe they're the type that will just hassle for more info? If so just stick to your guns...it'll be forgotten about in a month.

You don't need to give a reason but surely you can't wonder why your very good mates are concerned about an outright refusal. Especially if it's out of character.

I'm the one that usually organises stuff like this, and to begin with (Sept) I said I was happy with a night away locally. It's now become 4 nights in a different country (ironically because I told them all how amazing this city is to visit in December), which is too much and it's not like I can just drive home if it's too much.

I think they feel it's out of character for me, but I'm also the one that holds the group together by knowing them all, if that makes sense. I'm not being boastful, just that it's a few people from different areas and I am the common denominator.

Agree with mine - "I don't do new year"

Don't let them push you. Absolutely none of their business

Then they must think it's very strange that you're the lynchpin of the group yet aren't going to go.

Of course yanbu not to tell them if you don't want to, don't let them make you think that you're the unreasonable one here!

Just keep reiterating "no I don't want to go" on repeat.

Or what a pp said "there's a very good reason but it's very personal and I don't want to discuss it, just know that there is one, it's not any of you, but I'm not going."

When it first moved to a trip abroad I say that I wouldn't be able to take the time off work, but have since changed jobs. I've now said I just don't want to go, looking forward to some relaxing as working up till Boxing Day, and that if it was local then I'd go.

They all know each other well enough, have done weekends away before etc, just with me there.

Thanks for the reassurance. I shall keep reiterating and it'll pass.

I'd lie and say I was a bit skint with changing jobs and waiting to get paid. You shouldn't have to, and don't have to, but that's what i'd do for a quiet life.

I wish that would work. Sadly this is a. BIG job move, nearly double my old salary and friends know that. I can't think of any other lies I can say, as that would be the easy way to stop them still talking about it.

I think the fact it's transformed from a local night to four nights abroad should be enough, I am sorry they are keeping on at you.

If you are so central to the group then I suspect that a few of them are worried that it won't be the same without you! However, you are perfectly entitled to merely say that you don't want to celebrate NY/NYE whatever, without having to give a reason. I don't know how old you are, but once you reach a certain age, this stuff becomes surprisingly easy! And it's no big deal once you no longer mind whether anyone else does!

Take it as a compliment that they are scared it won't be the same without you, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

And being open and honest (open to the point YOU are comfortable with, btw) and just saying that you plain don't fancy it, is totally acceptable. Really, it is. xx

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

As they're friends I think a bit of a softener like pp have suggested along the lines of there being a good reason that you don't feel able/want to share is a bit nicer than just no.

I'm using the NC I use when I talk about being raped, but I post under a different name usually.

I have been were you are and it is so difficult.

I outright lied to my best friend to get out of a social engagement I knew my rapist was invited to. As it was he didn't attend.

I know/understand about not wanting to have that BIG CONVERSATION either. I was raped a decade ago now. Recounting it never gets easier.

Given that my solution to the similar situation you're in was to flat out lie, I don't have much to offer you but a hand hold and the words I understand completely

I can appreciate that it's weird for them - I have been going on about how pretty this city is in wintertime for ages, and I am always up for a weekend away.

I thought that I could do it, but I don't think it's fair on them if I do go and it's hard.

In the past I've had a reputation for being a bit attention-needy, and I've worked really hard to overcome it, so I'm worried if I say " It's a personal thing" then someone will say oh, that's what Identity does, she says stuff for attention. This is why none of them know, and because I'm frightened they won't believe me.

Anyway, thank you for the reassurance that IANBU

can you say you had a bereavement a long time ago around nye so always stay home as it makes you sad? unless they will insist on follow up questions

It's not unusual for cash flow to go a bit funny when you move jobs though, because you get paid in arrears. Last time I changed jobs I had six weeks between pay days instead of the usual four, and with Christmas too, are you sure you can't fluff it?

They've known me go away at new year before, and I would go again if it wasn't in the same city. I can't claim the pay either - I'm in the ninth week of this job so not being paid yet might be an issue. Someone would also say. "Oh I'll pay, give it back to me when you're sorted in January" or something.

This morning I text a couple of friends saying that as I wasn't able to be with them at new year, maybe we could have a weekend away in Feb or march and catch up then. Maybe this will then take the focus off? I added that I've just got loads on with work until Christmas, which they know.