To say my friend is hugely unfair here?

[LetsGoFly]

Bit of background for you -

I've been TTC for over 2 years really, 13 months ago I had a miscarriage but before that we were trying for a long time. I did talk to someone I know through work, of whom is also a GP about 3 months ago. She said my 'Your GP won't do anything, just relax - you're so young'

Monday I'm off to the GP to see what can be done. I'm only 21 and never thought I'd be here.

Friend said to me today "I know how you feel, TTC for a long time is so tough, especially for me because I've got a little one and I'm unlikely to be able to give him a sibling. I know full well my condition is so much worse now". Isaid it must be difficult for you knowing the stress involved for trying again. I kept my mouth shut any further.

AIBU to say she was insensitive? Am I correct in saying that although it must be so sad for her, surely she's better off since she's actually a Mother?

It took her 7 months to conceive her DC with PCOS, she fell naturally.

Sorry if I sound really inconsiderate just because she has a DC. I don't think it's easy at all when you'll struggle to fall pregnant, regardless of the amount of little ones you have

Not ageist just an observation

Observation of a stereotype of persons of a certain age.

Ageism.

So you know many 19 year olds with stable relationships good jobs and their own home?

This is a thread about a pretty sensitive subject relevant to a lot of folk on here.

Whilst the OP is playing with fire posting in AIBU, let's not turn this into some ageism debate, so enough with the leading questions re her age fgs

Its not ageism, its just less likely that someone will be in a stable position in terms of support, finances, home, relationship, to be in a place to plan to have a child.

I don't know many people in that depth to have any knowledge of the quality of their relationships, financial value of their jobs, or home ownership status.

Do you send out questionnaires?

TheLegendOfBeans you are absolutely right. I'm trying to defend the OPs right to ttc etc but it's the wrong time for this debate.

So....talking about infertility only as we know we can't deviate from the OP... I'd feel more relaxed about ttc aged 21 than say 34 for instance. Once you get to a certain age you start feeling very pressured when time is not on your side

If we could all be tested for fertility when we were 19, that would give us all time to fix some possible problems and would solve a few heartaches.

Thank you South

Easy was not the right word, I meant less painful. They are just different experiences I suppose. But must often affect the same people at different times.

I wished I had ttc at 19 stupid me left it til I was 25 and was too late.

posie and henry what are you jealous the OP has the chance to have kids young? What gives you the right to berate someone you hardly know for their life choices?

Far from jealous as I would have been in a far from ideal situation to have kids at 19. Like many 19 year olds. Which is kind of my point

"So you know many 19 year olds with stable relationships good jobs and their own home?"

So if you have an okay job and are renting you can't have a child. Shit...

So if you have an okay job and are renting you can't have a child. Shit...

If you are renting you have your own home...don't recall saying anything about owning a home

I'm laughing almost as much at the insinuated idea that someone at 25 or 35 obviously has their shit together!

The majority of people 25 or over have been in employment for several years and have a home though gravy. Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but it tends to be the case.

it tends to be the case

"The majority of people 25 or over have been in employment for several years and have a home though gravy"

Nope. Life is shit. Most people I know were in house share or back to their parents between 25/30. I know a lot of losers, but still. Some 19 years old work and have their own place, some don't. Some 25 years old work and own their own place, some don't.

I don't see any indication in which category the OP is and it wasn't her question to know if 2 years ago she was too young to TTC

These threads are never a good idea because you inevitably get people disagreeing with you, and it makes you feel worse.

Even worse than before you started the thread.

Wishing you lots of luck.

Thank you for the replies.

People have made a good point about 'theoretical' hard time TTC no. 2 since she says she isn't trying or knows it will be that way. Obviously you wouldn't genuinely compare touchy subjects like infertility but secondary infertility isn't quite the same. You're a mother. I'm not. That was ripped away from me months ago, but she as her baby, even if that ends up being her last - she succeeded in becoming a Mother.

I'm not surprised at some of these ageist comments, but I'm even more shocked at it considering I didn't mention my personal situation financially at all

No, lots (if not lost) 19 year olds aren't prepped for a baby, so what? Does that mean I'm automatically not so should've been dragged down for it?

*that bracket should've said most

You are still being rather naive (flippant?) about the pain of secondary infertility. Should you not be allowed to feel bad about your situation because you're young enough for there to be plenty of time for interventions etc to work, when other women are not? Of course not. So why can she not feel unhappy?

Mist I didn't say she can't feel unhappy but there's no real evidence she even has secondary infertility from what she's saying.

My personal opinion is that it isn't on par with not having a child at all - My Mum (spent ££££ trying to have a DC2), agrees completely

What I am saying is grief, sadness and worry does not have to be "on a par" with anyone else's grief, sadness and worry. Your friend should not have said her situation was worse than yours: but that is basically what you are doing too by insisting your suffering is worse than hers. I don't see why that matters to you.
The friendship is not giving you what you need though so move on.