To say my friend is hugely unfair here?

[LetsGoFly]

Bit of background for you -

I've been TTC for over 2 years really, 13 months ago I had a miscarriage but before that we were trying for a long time. I did talk to someone I know through work, of whom is also a GP about 3 months ago. She said my 'Your GP won't do anything, just relax - you're so young'

Monday I'm off to the GP to see what can be done. I'm only 21 and never thought I'd be here.

Friend said to me today "I know how you feel, TTC for a long time is so tough, especially for me because I've got a little one and I'm unlikely to be able to give him a sibling. I know full well my condition is so much worse now". Isaid it must be difficult for you knowing the stress involved for trying again. I kept my mouth shut any further.

AIBU to say she was insensitive? Am I correct in saying that although it must be so sad for her, surely she's better off since she's actually a Mother?

It took her 7 months to conceive her DC with PCOS, she fell naturally.

Sorry if I sound really inconsiderate just because she has a DC. I don't think it's easy at all when you'll struggle to fall pregnant, regardless of the amount of little ones you have

Approx 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage so the GP is probably not that fussed given your age. The comments by friends sound like they were made in good faith. Therefore I think yab a bit u.

7 months isn't terribly long to conceive, add PCOS in and it's actually pretty bloody fast! She has no idea if she will have problems trying for a sibling until she does just that - starts trying. Not everyone with PCOS struggles to conceive. I'm not sure how she's saying her condition is 'worse' now?

I tried for 5 years and got really sick of the weeping 'we've been trying 3 months and nothing!!'. Start tracking your periods, can start getting some idea of what possible blockers there might be. It was only when I started tracking ovulation that I found out I'm not a day 14 gal, but actually ovulated on Day 20. Unfortunately our problems were a whole lot bigger and we had to go the IVF route. Very blessed with 2dd now. Good luck, it's such a shit feeling when everyone around you just pops them out so seemingly easily

What does owning your own home have to do with anything?!

I agree with you 100% OP. How anyone can compare being childless to secondary infertility is beyond me.

I suffered with secondary infertility for 7 years and it's just as heartbreaking as trying for your first baby. And at the same time it's frustrating as my body had done it before but struggled to do it again (had a second child with medical help) Plus in my opinion , i know how it feels to have, love and bring up a child and my heart had so much more to give. YABU , every infertility struggle is as hard as the next

I'm sure she was trying to be kind.

But it was such an insensitive thing to say. And what woman battling infertility would rather have no children than one?!

Sadly, dealing with miscarriages and medical treatments is a lot harder physically when you already have a little one to take care off.

Mentally, I found it unbelievably harder. When you are in the sad position of comparing the 2 heartaches, for me secondary infertility is worst. Depressingly so.

I don't think it's fair to judge any one else situation, it sounds like your friends was just trying to empathise. It does feel like everybody around you is popping babies sometimes, but infertility is very common, and more people than you realise are struggling. It doesn't help, but I can guarantee you are not the only one!

For those who find secondary infertility as bad/worse, would you prefer if you could turn the clock back to have never had any dc then? Obviously you wouldn't change it now they are here, but if you can imagine right back before your dc was born, you would go back to that if possible as it was easier? Genuine question.

It took us more than 5 years and two rounds of IVF to conceive so I fully understand how difficult it is.

But it's not a competition.

My very good friends have secondary infertility. It's terrible and distressing and you aren't even allowed to ask for sympathy because everyone says "well at least you have one".

Pain is pain.

Be careful that your own pain doesn't cause you to disregard your friend's very valid feelings.

Having a baby at 19? On purpose? which is what the OP is saying.

It's ridiculous. Bringing a baby into this world is serious stuff with responsibility and financial security.

I'd avoid talking to her about this in future op. If she only took 7 months to conceive she may well be one of those lucky people whose pcos doesnt necessarily prevent her from conceiving (just like there are people who suffer from endo who conceive with no problem - not me unfortunately ).

If she's not actually TTC at the mo (and I don't think she is from your post) then she's basically comparing her hypothetical situation to your very real one. Which is shit.

Some people are incapable of empathising without bringing up their own issues. I'd feel like she was being insensitive if I were you.

In terms of primary vs secondary infertility, as other posters have said it's not ideal to compare - however, as someone who's been TTC for 4 years with 4 failed ivf cycles, I struggle to sympathise with people who already have one child. I know it makes me sound bitchy but there you have it. I'd never say this to anyone in real life and I don't usually comment on secondary fertility threads on here as I don't have anything to add.

There was a good thread in aibu a while ago about the inconsiderate things people say about infertility. One of the ladies I recognised from the infertility board wrote a very eloquent post about how being childless is like having your nose pressed up against the window of some special magical club that everyone else is in but for some reason you just can't get into. The whole world is focused on children and it's horrible not being able to be part of that

That should read being childless not by choice

Shut up Posie unless you have anything constructive to add.

OP; I am in the position of your chum and my bestie is in your position. It's an utter minefield and my heart goes out to you both.

Yes, YABU, but before I had DD and am now desperately wishing to give her a sibling (and not getting there) I'd have been in your mindset too.

You guys need to lean on each other and - hard as it is - believe that such comments come from a place of good intention.

Posie the OP could be a millionaire for all you know.

It does seem like you are playing infertility top trumps, OP.

It is very unusual these days to be trying so hard for a baby at such a young age. I would not be pleased if my own dc decided to do so, but if she then had problems conceiving I would support her any way I could.

Don't be an arse, Posie

Yy

OP i don't think it's a case of one situation being harder or worse than the other.

I'd suggest carefully screening who you confide in about this. Use the one strike rule - one shitty comment and strike the ttc conversation of the the topics list with that person.

I would agree with thelegend as I have been in both yours and your friends positions and both were equally crap and painful.

Before having ds I would have totally felt the same as the op, and would not have been able to understand how someone with a child would ever feel the same as me with none.
However after having ds and then having another miscarriage, I was devastated for Dh and I and also for ds as I couldn't seem to give him a sibling. I felt a failure to everybody.

All loss and feelings associated with infertility are painful and no one person can "trump" another.

I was going to ask OP the same as posie. It's not being an arse but I can't imagine many 19 year olds being in a great situation to
Purposely conceive a child. Very few anyway

Baylisiana Not in my case, because you don't decide to have children to make your life easy . When your child is here, you can't wish to deny his existence.

However, I remember how I felt dealing with infertility for years before, and how I feel dealing with it the second time round. It's worst, it's more painful. It's knowing what you are missing, the guilt, the tiredness, the pain. When your child pairs everything, to the point he even wants a second Christmas tree, so the "first one doesn't feel lonely", you do feel shit.

Sad thing is, until you deal with secondary infertility, you can't know how bad you will take it. You also have to try to hide it, and the miscarriages and everything, because it's not fair on your child. It's lonely and sad.

It's irrational. I have friends who only wanted a single child, and are absolutely opposed to try for a second one, they find their life perfect as it is. No right or wrong answer here.

sorry OP, answering a question and derailing your thread at the same time

I was going to ask OP the same as posie. It's not being an arse but I can't imagine many 19 year olds being in a great situation to
Purposely conceive a child. Very few anyway

Wow. Ageist much?

YABU.

Why do you think you're infertile OP?

Not ageist just an observation