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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 7 friendships are far too complicated.

29 replies

FoolishFly · 06/12/2016 12:24

So DD's just moved to secondary school and in the last few weeks all the main plot points of 'Mean Girls' have played out. New friends, primary school loyalties, hormones seem to make every day unpredictable.

When will it settle down and is it always so mean?

OP posts:
Bobochic · 06/12/2016 12:25

It's not a great age, IME.

Footinmouthasusual · 06/12/2016 12:27

It will settle. Just tell her to stay true to herself and her friends and stay nice. Branch out too and Include boys in the group.

Both my dds had huge friends circle with boys and girls. Much better dynamics than best friends or just girls/boys.

Original poster
FoolishFly · 06/12/2016 12:54

I'm trying to force encourage DD to get in with the music kids, build that friendship group with a dynamic interest at the heart and a good mix of boys and girls. Old loyalties to not nice primary friends are holding her back.

OP posts:
Bobochic · 06/12/2016 12:57

DC change very quickly at this age. Friendship group dynamics are not at all stable and it can be very disconcerting for DC to observe rapid changes in others. My DD (12) finds other DCs' puberty quite alarming Hmm - she says she doesn't recognize her friends.

user838383 · 06/12/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeyMacWey · 06/12/2016 14:16

Horrible isn't it?

DD is feeling very lonely at school. Long term friends changing groups and leaving her isolated despite trying to do her best to join in. She's not assertive enough to face it head on.

I'm trying to help get stay strong and encourage her to join lunchtime clubs etc. She's eaten by herself for the last 4 days.

user838383 · 06/12/2016 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FoolishFly · 06/12/2016 16:43

I'm dread pick-up. I put my casual, grown-up face on, gently ask "good day" whilst sitting on egg shells!

Today was a good day - yesterday DD witnessed a major bust up so I'm guessing they're all emotionally wrung out. It was straight out of Mean Girls, A told B that C had said she did n't like B but left out 'when she does this'! - Cue lots of Instagram snubs and evidently Snap-Chat late night gossip.

DD has told them I've banned Snapchat - I'm getting used to playing the bad guy when DD feels uncomfortable!

OP posts:
GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 06/12/2016 16:47

Yep its tough I'm on 2nd DD going through this! Maybe I blocked it out but seems harder this time. Oh well only dd3 and ds1 to goHmm

Littledrummergirl · 06/12/2016 16:57

Dd has had major friendship problems since starting yr7. One of the brats she moved up with has been a cow causing problems amongst the girls.
Her parents wrote some vile stuff to me harrassing Dd via me, the school investigated and confirmed Dd has done nothing wrong.

Dd has made loads of new friends and has pretty much left the old group behind. They are still behaving horribly to each other though and the one that's excluded at any time makes their way to Dd and her new friends for a while.

Hopefully they will shake down soon. It wasn't like this with the boys.

CantstandmLMs · 06/12/2016 17:03

I remember year 7 as being horrible! I was a bit of a coaster and this helped but I felt very insecure. The girls who considered themselves the leaders of "our group" would decide who would get ignored (for often no reason) and for how long.

It doesn't appear much has changed. If not it's worse with social media!

JakeBallardswife · 06/12/2016 17:09

DS and his best friend at the time fell out mid way through Y7 and the other boy still isn't talking to him. They were close all the way through primary. Its almost as if now is their chance to be who they really want to be etc.

DS is now year 8 and much more settled and still making new friends and exploring new groups which is so lovely to see.

TheZeppo · 06/12/2016 17:23

From watching the kids at work, I'd say it starts to settle in year 9 and by year 10/11 they're normally through the worst of it.

Who'd go back to it? Bloody hellish.

Definitely try and get her to widen her circle of friends so that if she's not 'in' with a certain group she still has others.

WhatTimeIsItCuckoo · 06/12/2016 17:46

I agree OP, I've struggled with this from my son being in year 6 last year. He's now year 7 and is still having some issues and my daughter is now year 6 and going through exactly what he did last year. I'm sure she'll have issues next year in year 7 too but I live in hope! It is indeed horrible and I found this to be far more stressful to deal with than any school work/SATs etc. As others have said, I just tell mine to remain true to themselves and always do what they know to be the right thing, even if they get jeered at for it. I also tell them to put themselves in other's shoes if there's someone being left out/picked on and always try and be the bigger person, walk away etc, etc. Not easy any of it but I'm hoping they'll work their way through it and come out the other side having learnt something about themselves and others!

Original poster
FoolishFly · 06/12/2016 19:57

Why are there so many unkind kids?

It's not the fault of the primary schools. Today they've had more PHSE lessons then I ever had but they're so mean. Is it watching reality tv, the relentless judging? Have we stopped drumming in to our kids platitudes..'do unto others...', ' good manners..', THEY'RE ELEVEN WHY ARE THEY SO MEAN?

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 06/12/2016 20:00

It's exacerbated by the relentless 24 hour nature of it with social media.

Op your dd sounds veey sensible for stepping away from her phone.

Laiste · 06/12/2016 20:07

I keep reading this as '7 year friendships too complicated' and wondering why specifically 7 years Grin

Anyway OP. I have the t shirt. DD3 had an awful time in primary and the first couple of years in secondary with bitchy girls in her year from primary, bless her. She found a couple of new friends eventually and it did all settle down and she was much happier (although we still got the blow by blow gossip over dinner every night about what the little moo's were up to each day)(and in fact even though she's now 18 she still noses about them on FB and we still hear about what x, y, and z are doing sometimes!)

bibbitybobbityyhat · 06/12/2016 20:13

I don't think children are meaner these days, but they just have more outlets for it.

My dd didn't have a smart phone until she was 15 and no social media accounts. Perhaps that helped her bypass the worst of it? Or it might just have been that she lucked out and found a lovely group of girls in her tutor group who she is looking forward to going in to Y12 with next year.

Encourage your dd to forget the primary school friends if it's causing her grief. The brilliant thing about secondary is you have a much bigger pool to find your shoal from.

Original poster
FoolishFly · 06/12/2016 20:20

Laiste actually the 7 year itch is probably right. Part of the problem is kids who've parents have known each other, chosen each other and forced their DDs together for the last 7 years , finally that's fallen apart. The kids for the first time have a chance to chose their own friends not just the ones their parents know...There's a certain amount of rebellion and a certain amount of building and bonding new friendships through excluding or ignoring or hostile to old ones.

My DD, never a mover and a shaker, is observing all this, talking about it at home, and I'm the one struggling to be the grown-up! And now Laiste you say this might last till 18.....what about my sanity......

OP posts:
Adala · 06/12/2016 20:21

It's been 20 years since I left school and they were bloody mean then too! I wouldn't repeat it for the world.

Original poster
FoolishFly · 06/12/2016 20:29

BibbityBobbity Hat in some ways social media makes it easier. If DD says X said this today, I'm generally all grown up and say'perhaps you misunderstood', 'perhaps she was tired', 'I'm sure she did n't mean it'

but somehow seeing it all play out thru Instagram (party on weekend DD not invited but old friends with some of them) means you can see the power plays, the alliances being built and the passive aggressive comments.

I was hoping this would all be sorted by Christmas, nice friends, mix of old and new - by the sound of those that have trod the path before -, no chance...

OP posts:
BiskettiBollockNose · 06/12/2016 20:31

Sadly, grown women do this, too^

WyfOfBathe · 06/12/2016 20:32

I found year 7 really hard (nearly 20 years ago Blush) with all the bullying and constant fall outs. I think it's because everyone's in a new place and trying to prove themselves & show that they're the best by putting others down. But it doesn't go on forever: I still talk now to the friends I made later in secondary school.

MiddlingMum · 06/12/2016 20:34

Social media makes it far worse. When I was at that age you could walk out of the school gate on a Friday and not have any contact again until Monday morning. Much healthier imo.

DD avoided most of the Y7 angst by being friends with boys instead of girls.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 06/12/2016 20:39

When I went to University I came out being life long friends with people I barely knew in my first year, my friends from the first year long forgotten. Everyone has to find their feet. Try not to fret about it too much Op. Encourage your dd to step away from social media if she can ... she's still too young for it really.

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