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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand WHY sil does this?!

60 replies

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 22:51

SIL is the tiniest bit batshit, to be sure, but this is a present related thing that I just do not get.

Her DD had a birthday (she turned 9) last summer and my other SIL (SIL2) asked if she could take her shopping and for lunch and let her pick out a few things as a birthday treat. SIL1 got evasive and told SIL2 that she'd just picked up a few things for her DD and if SIL2 wanted she could stop and get them and wrap them to give to her. Ummm...

We all thought that was bizarre and SIL2 was pretty insulted, I think, because I believe she took it as SIL1 thinking she wasn't to be trusted taking DD out for the day. (Which is ridiculous, SIL2 could run the world if given the chance; she's amazingly competent.) We thought it was strange but just kind of shrugged and forgot about it.

Now this past week my DH messaged SIL1 and asked what her DS (he's 11) wanted for Christmas. (He is her DS's godfather and in their family the godparents get them a little something extra) She did the same thing...told DH that she had picked up a few things for him and he could come get them and say they were from him if he wanted.

What in the hell?! Confused Anyone got anything here? I have no idea why she does this.

If it matters, we're all related this way: SIL1 and I are married to brothers. SIL2 is their sister. DH and SIL2 both asked their brother (SIL1's husband) what was up with this odd request and he just said something vague about her not liking people to spend money on the kids. I can see if it were tons all the time but surely for birthday and Christmas when they are their niece and nephew AND their godchildren?

AIBU to not get this? Is there some reason I've not thought of?

OP posts:
Fiderer · 05/12/2016 23:30

I think you should kill them all

Have spent hours emailing and phoning family in the last few days. "Tiniest bit batshit" is v generous, ime.

krustykittens · 05/12/2016 23:32

Oh, dear. I do this on behalf of my DCs grandparents and Great Aunt. I tend to start my Christmas shopping in February and pick presents all year, as both my kids and my DH have their birthdays in January, making it a very expensive time of year. I do it so my kids get the presents

  • they really want as our elderly relatives don't have a clue and as we live in another country from them, don't see the kids regularly. What they normally do is put some money in a card for them, which they can put toward something else or a day out and the kids get a present on their Birthdays and Christmas Day. I also do it so that our relatives on a pension don't feel stressed and worried about money at Christmas. I have labels that everyone has written to the kids in their own handwriting and I re-use themm every year so the kids are convinced the presents come from the and not us. I hope I haven't offended anyone now.
llangennith · 05/12/2016 23:32

She sounds a complete control freak! Nothing you can do to change that. Buy her DC gifts you have chosen and too bad if she objects.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/12/2016 23:32

Yeah, massive control freakery there with all sorts of spurious excuses for it.

Does she let them visit other friends? Ones she's vetted and considers suitable, perhaps?

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:32

The thing is, the kids make lists! So we know what we want!

We all make lists; the adults (there are four siblings and all have spouses) do a secret santa and we all go in together and buy what the kids want. (There are the niece and nephew and our three previously mentioned and then my SIL3 who doesn't live around here and thus is under the radar Wink has two.)

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:33

What THEY want I mean.

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Original poster
CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:34

krusty Our kids all go together to their grandparents at least once a week and see each other every day at school and several times a month too. It's not the same, I wouldn't worry! We all live in the same area.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:36

Fids I want to sometimes but I'm also strangely protective of her :o She's just so painfully awkward sometimes and thinks MIL doesn't like her. MIL used to not like me and then I didn't give a shit and now we're close so it might be a fair assumption.

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krustykittens · 05/12/2016 23:38

OP, I just caught up on the rest of the thread and your more recent posts (these things grows FAST when you are typing!) and tbh, she sound slike she wants no outside influence on her little nuclear family, not even the slightest. That isn't healthy. Apologies for my spelling, its atrocious!

RhiWrites · 05/12/2016 23:39

She's controlling. She doesn't trust anyone else to select gifts. It's odd.

HeCantBeSerious · 05/12/2016 23:40

I tend to do this for my family: I pick up the things the kids would really like to have (Xmas, birthdays) and a few weeks before my mum and sister will ask what they would like. I tell them I have X, Y and Z and they choose something and then reimburse me for it. It's not weird.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:40

LaContessa I don't think they've gone on sleepovers...I know they've had friends over to theirs but I don't know if they go to friends' houses. They go to parties sometimes. SIL took DD to one the other day at a bowling alley and stayed there with her.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 05/12/2016 23:44

Interesting. Well on the plus side it's not just you guys she's worried about, but OTOH that is rather sad for her DC. I predict ructions in the foreseeable future, possibly from her DD rather than DS (IME the first child of a controlling parent is obedient and keeps their head down because they're scared of rocking the boat, while the second-born is a hell-raiser Grin)

Warl · 05/12/2016 23:46

I misunderstood at first, I thought she bought things & then you gave her the money for them & took them to wrap??? Which made me a bit defensive because I do that, it's just easier for me to buy knowing what they want, are into at the minute & don't already have, DM & MIL etc would then give me the money for them & they take them wrap & give. Works well for us but if you don't pay her for them....... no that definitely batshit!!

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:47

He but the kids makes lists so we know what they want. Confused SIL2 in particular really enjoys shopping for them and our nephew is really into art and science and getting things for him is really fun :)

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hoddtastic · 05/12/2016 23:52

my sister was doing this, turned out she was buying it on all 3 for 2's and keeping the spares... or the bonus points they attracted.

crazy and stingey.

Pallisers · 06/12/2016 00:02

She is very odd.

But I would stop asking her what the kids want - and would advise not-odd SIL to do the same. Pick a present, buy it, wrap it and drop it over. If my sister or SIL told me they already had a present ready for me to give ("here's one I prepared earlier!") I'd be a bit gobsmacked. Fine if you ask for the help, not if you don't.

MrEBear · 06/12/2016 00:10

Does she get carried away shopping then realise she has bought far too much? So rather than add to the piles of stuff would rather other people gifted stuff she has bought?

Been guilty of that. I wasn't going to get every item of the Santa list then spotted last item half price so bought it, then somebody asked for ideas so I offered up the half price item for them to give.

Manumission · 06/12/2016 00:24

She's stolen a lorry full of toys. She wants to sell them on to friends and family as quietly as possible to make $$$$$s

OR

She's joined a strange anti-plastic, fend-shui type cult and is trying to save the family's souls by only letting the cousins come into contact with approved articles.

Manumission · 06/12/2016 00:27

Is this the SIL of matchy-matchy family photo fame?

confuugled1 · 06/12/2016 00:40

I would skip the asking SIL and write a card and enclose either a gift voucher for a favourite store or something little like a little cheap purse or bag and say that this is for you to come on a shopping adventure with me as soon as we can arrange it and I'll have £xx ready for you to spend (if you haven't given the voucher) and then we'll go for coffee/lunch/cinema/etc afterwards.

Then they will know about it and it will have to happen. Much more difficult for SIL to say that she wants you to give them xxx or yyy - not least because you can say that's a very kind offer SIL, and if I'd asked for ideas that would be great, but it's still a free country and I'm still allowed to give the gift that I want to give. If you want to tell your dd that she's not allowed to have it, that's your prerogative.

I might say to SIL in advance that you've already sorted a present, you love sorting your own presents so not to bother with anything from you in the future. Or maybe tell BIL (DB? lost track!) rather than SIL in case she is the one that is very controlling about it all so that you can just say you sorted it with BIL, not to worry, you're sure she can reuse the presents/say they're from someone else/return to the shop...

And I'd also try to set something up now for the summer - even if not specific dates then get an agreement that they can come to visit you for a day or two in the summer so she doesn't have the already paid so not wasting it excuse/dilemma.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 06/12/2016 00:40

YES manu :o The very same! I realize to all of you I was the odd once in that scenario, however I maintain that doing what she did in the US is akin to rocking up to Christmas dinner and punching the hostess in the face. Wink

Pallisers usually we don't. Everyone (including the kids) writes a Christmas list at the family Thanksgiving do and then we all get presents when we get together for Christmas. Usually for their birthdays they have a party (the niece and nephew have birthdays in the same month) and we bring them presents then. These are the only times that she's really had opportunity to do this; maybe she would every time if she felt she could.

Last summer her two DC and my DS has a joint family birthday as it was all just getting to be too much...I wonder if she didn't like that?

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Original poster
CheerfulYank · 06/12/2016 00:41

odd one

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Original poster
CheerfulYank · 06/12/2016 00:44

She never asks us to babysit or anything really. So we don't really ask her either! We recently asked her to watch our youngest DS as we wanted to take our older two to the cinema and didn't have any other options. Her DD is baby mad and was so excited. SIL really didn't seem to mind and we brought her a small gift card to a sandwich place she takes her kids a lot as a "thanks for doing this on short notice" thing and she did the "oh you shouldn't have" thing but didn't mind too much.

She's an odd one. I can usually suss people out but I'm thirteen years in with her and none the wiser :)

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LilQueenie · 06/12/2016 00:47

Is her home/lifestyle different to the rest of the families at all? It does seem weird and I worry for what it may be doing to the kids.

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