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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put this message in a Christmas card

31 replies

Amithenormalone · 05/12/2016 16:51

Back story I have 3 dcs 2 with my dh one I had before dh. Dh sees all 3 dcs has his own and treats them very much the same.

Now every year a certain member of his family send presents money and cards to dc 2 and 3 never any mention of dc 1. Now dc1 is 12 and has autism and very much gets upset by this. I try to hide but it's kind of hard to do so. I was thinking of writing in family members card that could they please just a least include dc1s name in the card as he he has autism and has a horrible time trying to understand why they see him different to the other dcs. Would this be wrong?

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 05/12/2016 16:54

I'd return the presents, ask them politely not to send gifts and if they want to send cards to include DC1 or they'll be returned as well.

DP's family always includes my DC in family celebrations/events/gifts.

It so utterly mean to treat one child like he's less.

PlinkPlonkPlunk · 05/12/2016 16:55

I think I'd message beforehand if possible - either phone (if you know her well enough), or email. The problem with putting in the card is that she might have posted your card already by the time she gets yours, and she might display your card, in which case anyone having a nosey would see the message.

Seeline · 05/12/2016 16:55

I assume you have been with your DH for a reasonable amount of time.
I think your DH should address the matter if the person is his family, but I don't think it would be unreasonable for the matter to be raised.

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/12/2016 16:55

It's always a tough one when step kids are involved. None of my older DC's family include my youngest (different dad) in anything. My DP's/DC3's family include my older 2 in everything.

If it were me I'd probably write an extra card with some money myself so no one is left out.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 05/12/2016 16:55

It may be better coming from your DH especially if he states that he views them all equal.
Could seem a bit 'sour grapes' if you write it?

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 16:57

Who is the family member? If it is a close relative you may be able to request that they split however much they intend to spend between the 3 kids and explain gently why. If it is a more distant family member, you could just say you're not trying to be rude but you would prefer not to accept gifts for just the younger ones and send them back.

ThanksSpanx · 05/12/2016 16:58

She doesn't include his name in the card sent to the whole family? That's really weird and very rude. I'd probably just ask her not to buy for your two other DCs and put the family card straight in the bin before anyone reads it.

Is there a history of animosity between you and her?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/12/2016 16:59

I'd reject any gifts or cards from anyone who left one of my children out. That's always going to hurt.

If you think that's too strong, get DH to have a word and ask if DS1 can be included - then if they don't, reject anything from then on.

I wouldn't put it in their Christmas card. Just get DH to call or text or however they'd normally talk.

Janey50 · 05/12/2016 17:02

How rude and thoughtless. I am having trouble getting my head around why a family member would behave like this! I agree with seeline in that your DH would be the best one to address this matter.

ItsALLAboutMeMeMeMeME · 05/12/2016 17:07

Wtf is wrong with people like this? I can, if I try very very hard, argue a case for not buying an unrelated child a gift, but to not include one member of a family unit on a Christmas card? How the heck does that even register as a normal thing to do in their head? My ex-SIL remarried and had another dd, I sent the card to the whole family by name including her, her DH, my dns and their half-sibling, I also spent the same amount to buy a gift for her as I did for my nephew and niece.

NoSunNoMoon · 05/12/2016 17:17

DN's second husband specifically asked that we don't buy for his DS just for DN's DCs from her first marriage and their mutual DC.

We don't know him, never met him. He has lots of presents from his side of the family, more than my DN's DC from her first marriage. I'm not adding to the pile.

Christmassnake · 05/12/2016 17:18

Totally don't understand why your dh hasn't addressed this already?????

EverySongbirdSays · 05/12/2016 17:19

As it's DH's relative, he should address it, but it should be addressed.

Whilst the presents is mean spirited, the card is simply rude, they are pretending their relatives stepson doesn't exist.

Reality16 · 05/12/2016 17:21

No I would absolutely not write it in their Christmas card. This is something that should never been allow d to happen after they did it a first time. And please don't use his autism as an excuse, anyone who dos that to a child (autistic or otherwise) is simply a cunt. I would t have anything else to do with them and I certainly wouldn't write in their card and almostbeg ask them nicely

happychristmasbum · 05/12/2016 17:21

Agree with PP this is DH issue to address.......

crazyoldc4tlady · 05/12/2016 17:22

I'd return the presents, ask them politely not to send gifts and if they want to send cards to include DC1 or they'll be returned as well.

^ this, without doubt.

Original poster

Amithenormalone · 05/12/2016 17:24

Dh and mil have both told her to either send to all or none she's not listening to them. No I don't know them well meet them once and it was just after dc2 was born she wasn't interested in me or dc 1 just dh and dc2 it's always been a well known fact dh is a favourite and she did the same to dhs siblings as they weren't her blood relatives. Dh is really upset and has now decided to send money and card back to them with letter explaining that it has to be for all of them or not to bother. He said for Christmas sake they are all dcs time they got used to the fact. We have been together 5 years married one so it's not like it's a new relationship or anything.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 05/12/2016 17:26

I think your DH's solution is the right one. How hurtful of her.

If it continues, I think the only thing to do is to keep returning cards and presents, with the same polite note every time explaining it all over again.

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/12/2016 17:27

Dh and mil have both told her to either send to all or none she's not listening to them

In that case I'd go for returning everything. You're a family and should be treated as such.

EverySongbirdSays · 05/12/2016 17:27

In that case OP

YABU to send any message to this ignorant woman begging her to acknowledge your child.

YANBU - to return this years card and gifts with a letter from DH saying she has been told before it's all or none and not to do this again.

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2016 17:32

Of course it would not be wrong to say that.

Totally agree with fuzzywuzzy "I'd return the presents, ask them politely not to send gifts and if they want to send cards to include DC1 or they'll be returned as well."

Or, if they send money I would, I think, say, please can the relative send the money for the two kids and it will be split by us three ways, or not send money at all.

Plus agree with PlinkPlonkPlunk, do it now.

I'd probably say something like

DH sees ds one as totally part of our family, as do we all, because he is.

When DS1 is exuded, DS1 feels very unhappy and left out, which we are sure you will understand is not how dh and I would like our son to feel at anytime of year, especially at Christmas.

Because DS1 feels increasingly upset to be exuded from his own family by cards and gifts which leave him out we have decided all cards and gifts will be given and accepted to include all three of our children. This means we would need to exclude any cards or gifts that do not include all the children. We really do not wish to exclude any cards or gifts or people.

We feel sure they will understand.

Then stick to it.

nokidshere · 05/12/2016 17:33

I'd absolutely send all presents and cards back. I just don't get people who can treat children like this.

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2016 17:34

Over use of word exclude! Tone it done. I tend to be quite verbose!

It's is fine for your dh to handle this, if he is willing to, but if he is unable or unwilling to handle this then you do it. It really doesn't matter whose relative it is, the children are your children jointly so you can totally take charge.

Please do talk to dh and agree.

Last year should be the last year this happens.

Get in touch with relative soon to allow time for it to sink in. Be polite and (personally) I would write my email or message suggesting that you know they will understand.

Always hope for the best, prepare for the rest!

MerryMarigold · 05/12/2016 17:35

I would keep the money and buy a joint present eg. a game or a few netflix movies. I would chuck the card in the bin.

DixieWishbone · 05/12/2016 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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