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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite my mother for Christmas?

217 replies

IsThisYourSanderling · 05/12/2016 14:51

She will probably end up coming anyway, as we already invited her, but oh how I wish she wasn't.

Reasons she should come:

  • We had a baby in September, it's her first grandchild and his first Christmas
  • When he was 8 days old she travelled up to help us on short notice (when I realised we were completely out of our depth) and stayed for nearly three weeks, doing laundry and other less than fun tasks. It was a lifesaver.
  • She'd have a shit Christmas if she can't come here.

Reasons I don't want her to come:

  • She has extreme paranoia issues that make her very difficult and often miserable to be around, you have to creep around on eggshells and she'll still find something to latch onto as proof you're conspiring against her.
  • Her main thing is to accuse me of betraying her, conspiring, talking behind her back to relatives I haven't seen in years, etc. She brings it up whenever we're alone and won't believe me no matter what I say or do. When she was last year I had to leave the room with my newborn attached to my breast because she'd started attacking me about my supposed contact with my grandmother and uncle (I'm not in contact with either more than a card at Christmas, not that it should matter). She proceeded to follow me to my bedroom to keep going with the accusations. It's like this every time she visits, but I didn't expect to get chased around the house while breastfeeding a three week old.
  • She's a pathological liar. These vary from extreme and damaging lies I won't ever really forgive her for, to silly ridiculous lies aimed at saving face, to lies that allow her to effectively pocket the occasional tenner here and there. It's a terrible bore and if you call her out you'll always regret it.
  • Her latest thing is this: I suggested my husband and I get her a railcard so she can travel up to see us more (long train journey). She replied to say it wasn't like me to make practical suggestions and that I must be being coerced (she's always been obsessed with the idea of me being brainwashed/ coerced - even though I'm now in my thirties, have a PhD, a husband and a child, I still apparently am being brainwashed and marshalled against her by influences I do t understand...). So, friendly offer of railcard = getting accused for the millionth time of being coerced. Fuck that.
  • She never, ever apologises for anything ever, and so me asking for an apology has been met with silence. What will happen now is that she'll refuse to acknowledge me for a while, then send a breezy text pretending nothing has happened so as not to endanger her Christmas up here. So far she has been giving us the silent treatment since Wednesday evening, when I asked if she would apologise or if she still thinks I'm being coerced into handing out railcards. She hasn't asked about her ten week old grandson once. She hasn't looked at his Instagram page (set up so she and in laws could see pics of him regularly) because she'd have to use the library computer and is too suspicious of the librarians, who must be spying on her. Her delusions and paranoid suspicions are more important to her than her only grandchild (and much more important to her than me).
  • Her expectation will be that I shut up about the coercion thing, pretend it's fine that she withheld interest in my and my son as a punishment, and go ahead with our jolly family Christmas. I don't want to. I don't like being around her. But the guilt of telling her she's no longer welcome is pretty huge, because it means her having an absolutely shit time at her mother's (she lives with her mother and they hate each other)

So yeah. WIBU to uninvite her?

Forgive typos. I tapped out this entire saga with my thumb whilst breastfeeding.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisYourSanderling · 05/12/2016 14:55

*when she was last here, not last year! It was October

OP posts:
RentANDBills · 05/12/2016 14:55

She sounds seriously unwell, OP. Is she seeking help for this?

Only you can make the Xmas decision really.

Lovelybangers · 05/12/2016 14:55

Wow.she does sound like hard work.

Ultimately I think you have to do what is right for your family I.e your young children.

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 14:58

Does she have mental health support?

Caper86 · 05/12/2016 14:59

It actually sounds like she has MH issues. Can you invite her for one night and just prepare yourself for it? My MIL is a bit like this and very paranoid and bitter, but I understand she's not well so keep up contact and just ignore all the digs and passive aggressiveness and accusations

BarbarianMum · 05/12/2016 15:00

Yes I think you be unreasonable to uninvited her at such short notice. Having said which, it is clear from your post that your mum has some fairly major mental health issues and it would maybe be a good idea to have a long-term think about how and when you interact with her to minimise the effect they have on you. Do you contact her very frequently? - it sounds like it. Could you cut back to a phone call or email once a week ? For the visit at Christmas can you clue up your dh/other friends or family to minimise the amount of time you are alone with her (you want this at zero ideally)? And get a lock put on tourbedroom door so you can retreat when necessary.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2016 15:01

She sounds seriously unwell, OP. Is she seeking help for this? I agree. And would be very worried.

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 15:02

Has she got a mental health diagnosis? I'd be very concerned about her.

Original poster
IsThisYourSanderling · 05/12/2016 15:02

She has paranoid personality disorder (as diagnosed by me). She will not acknowledge that there is anything wrong with how she sees the world, so it's impossible to get her to seek help. Any suggestion to her that she is paranoid is met with extreme defensiveness, so it's a no go. I don't have the heart to deny her access to her grandson though... She could be a nice gran for him if she was just able to keep the mad stuff to herself. But can she though? It looks unlikely now...

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisYourSanderling · 05/12/2016 15:06

No I don't contact her much generally (phased out phone calls years ago), but we have been texting and emailing more since baby was born.

Interesting about just putting up with the dogs and accusations. I mean, I do that a lot I suppose, otherwise I just wouldn't see her at all. But it makes me very anxious and has caused sleeplessness this week, which is the last thing you need with a newborn!

OP posts:
conserveisposhforjam · 05/12/2016 15:07

No of course she can't keep the mad stuff to herself around him. She doesn't around you does she?

What are you going to do when he's three and she accuses him of conspiring against her?

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 05/12/2016 15:09

Ah jeez OP she sounds utterly exhausting Sad And yes, very unwell. I'm not a MH professional, but her behaviour sounds like my mum's, and DSis and I decided a while back that she had an undiagnosed personality disorder of some kind, or certainly traits of one.

She sounds very toxic. I know the guilt thing is massive - I'm struggling to decide what to do with my mum this Christmas. If you can deal with the fallout, you would definitely have an easier, happier time without her there.

What a nightmare for you.

MNRandom · 05/12/2016 15:11

You have a child to think about now. Your mum needs to seek support. However if she does have pd she might be unable to see how her behaviour impacts on those around her and as such refuse to accept support (could take years of therapy for ingrained negative traits to be undone).

For a visit to work you need to set boundaries, to which your mum agrees. For example if you need time out and space and you go to another room she agrees to not follow you.

Even with strategies in place it would be a tense, uncomfortable time for all.

Me personally would limit visits to a few hours.

lougle · 05/12/2016 15:13

She's not doing this to be mean to you, though, is she? She's living this life all the time. You're blaming her for not being rational enough to see that her irrational paranoia is irrational paranoia, and taking that as a slight against you, which isn't fair. The whole point of paranoia is that it is real to the person experiencing it.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 05/12/2016 15:23

lougle it's very easy to say things like that if you've not experienced someone in your family who acts like this. It's genuinely exhausting and has you questioning all sorts of things about yourself. Yes it's the OP's mother, and yes, she's mentally unwell. However she will not acknowledge she has a problem - to her, it's everyone else with the problem. Unless they can come to realise they need help, people like that can be impossible to have a functioning adult relationship with.

Arfarfanarf · 05/12/2016 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

N0tfinished · 05/12/2016 15:25

I'm on the fence. Of course you should be free from these horrible accusations, and of course she should get help. OTOH, as lougle said above, these behaviours are not designed to piss you off. She's ill! It's not like smoking in the house or bringing a yappy dog. As miserable as it is for you, can you imagine how miserable her life is?

Is there any mechanism (I'm not in UK) that could trigger a MH review? A SS welfare report or something?

Sorry that you have to deal with this. It sounds shitty for everyone. I guess from the tone that you've had to cope with this for a long time.

StefCWS · 05/12/2016 15:28

Aw hun sorry to say Christmas is a time to be putting up with your pain in the arse family, that's the " joy" of Christmas .. sorry

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 05/12/2016 15:30

Unless someone is sectioned, i.e they're considered a danger to themselves and/or other you can't force them to get mental health treatment. This woman believes there's nothing wrong with her.

Her being ill doesn't make her behaviour any less toxic or any easier to deal with. It clouds everyone's lives if thet have to live with someone like this and will be terribly damaging for the little one growing up.

PeteSwotatoes · 05/12/2016 15:43

If she had dementia, would you cut her off like this?

I'm not denying how difficult she must be. I've had a friend with a diagnosed PD and I eventually had to let her go for my own wellbeing. But she was a lot more extreme than your mum, and was a risk to herself and others.

I think I would act as though she has Alzheimer's and just tolerate/manage her as best I could for the duration of Christmas.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2016 15:55

Your reasons for her visiting at all are very poor ones and probably stem from your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re your mother. I think you will end up with an awful Christmas if she does visit you.

What Sukey wrote as well. OPs mother cannot be forced to seek treatment, she is an adult and she can and probably would object most strongly to any sort of assessment.

What was she like as a parent to you growing up?. I take it as read these behaviours are not at all recent and you have grown up with her exhibiting these same behaviours. You do not owe your mother a relationship.

You do not mention your dad in all this; is he still in your life?

I was not all that surprised to note that she does not get on at all well with her own mother (what is she like?). What if anything do you know about your mother's childhood?. That often provides clues and this all probably started back then and certainly long before you were born.

No, do not invite her. You need to detach from your mother and seek outside support for your own self re your relationship with her also. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. You also need to protect your child going forward, she could well go onto accuse him of the same stuff you have been accused of.

Original poster
IsThisYourSanderling · 05/12/2016 16:02

To people saying I'm being unfair to her, because it's worse for her to be like this than it is for me to deal with her: I know. I have tremendous guilt and worry over this, knowing how it's ruined her life and isolated her from everyone around her. But I can't help that, and it has significantly affected my life too (I'm an only child and she was a single mother, so you can imagine the sort of things I grew up exposed to).

And yes it's a big worry for when he becomes verbal; the likely thing is that she will start accusing me of turning him against her. If that sort of scenario presented itself I would definitely have to re-evaluate the relationship they would be having.

But for now, for Christmas, I know she'll basically have to come as I invited her and she has no one else. But it grates so much that she gets to treat me so badly, never apologise, never stop doing it, and gets to profit from my sense of guilt and responsibility towards her. It's very draining and a bit of a headfuck, to be honest.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2016 16:03

You can choose to deal with PD behaviours for yourself. But choosing to subject your child to them, even if they are not intentional, is a different matter. My first priority is preventing harm to my child. If doing that causes issues for relatives with PD or other MH concerns; tough shit. My child's well-being trumps other people's 'right' to have a nice Christmas.

manicinsomniac · 05/12/2016 16:05

I couldn't disinvite her. With the 'pro' reasons you have given it just seems so cruel.

Plus, if her paranoia does continue to make her toxic, it might affect your children's enjoyment of Christmas in the future so then you might have to not invite her. At the moment your child knows nothing about it and it's only a stress for you. So I would have her while I could.

Original poster
IsThisYourSanderling · 05/12/2016 16:08

Atilla, I do agree with you. But FOG is powerful stuff even if you've acknowledged that's what's going on (which I have). Her own childhood was unhappy. My childhood was difficult and unconventional, but with periods of happiness. The dad question opens a can of worms- all my life she pretended he was dead, and I dragged the truth out of her when I was in my twenties. By the time I found him he really had died, of cancer, three years before. It suited her to tell me he was dead, but in fact he'd come looking for me when I was s baby (this is one of the unforgivable lies mentioned in my OP).

OP posts:
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