To uninvite my mother for Christmas?

[IsThisYourSanderling]

She will probably end up coming anyway, as we already invited her, but oh how I wish she wasn't.

Reasons she should come:

• We had a baby in September, it's her first grandchild and his first Christmas
• When he was 8 days old she travelled up to help us on short notice (when I realised we were completely out of our depth) and stayed for nearly three weeks, doing laundry and other less than fun tasks. It was a lifesaver.
• She'd have a shit Christmas if she can't come here.

Reasons I don't want her to come:

• She has extreme paranoia issues that make her very difficult and often miserable to be around, you have to creep around on eggshells and she'll still find something to latch onto as proof you're conspiring against her.
• Her main thing is to accuse me of betraying her, conspiring, talking behind her back to relatives I haven't seen in years, etc. She brings it up whenever we're alone and won't believe me no matter what I say or do. When she was last year I had to leave the room with my newborn attached to my breast because she'd started attacking me about my supposed contact with my grandmother and uncle (I'm not in contact with either more than a card at Christmas, not that it should matter). She proceeded to follow me to my bedroom to keep going with the accusations. It's like this every time she visits, but I didn't expect to get chased around the house while breastfeeding a three week old.
• She's a pathological liar. These vary from extreme and damaging lies I won't ever really forgive her for, to silly ridiculous lies aimed at saving face, to lies that allow her to effectively pocket the occasional tenner here and there. It's a terrible bore and if you call her out you'll always regret it.
• Her latest thing is this: I suggested my husband and I get her a railcard so she can travel up to see us more (long train journey). She replied to say it wasn't like me to make practical suggestions and that I must be being coerced (she's always been obsessed with the idea of me being brainwashed/ coerced - even though I'm now in my thirties, have a PhD, a husband and a child, I still apparently am being brainwashed and marshalled against her by influences I do t understand...). So, friendly offer of railcard = getting accused for the millionth time of being coerced. Fuck that.
• She never, ever apologises for anything ever, and so me asking for an apology has been met with silence. What will happen now is that she'll refuse to acknowledge me for a while, then send a breezy text pretending nothing has happened so as not to endanger her Christmas up here. So far she has been giving us the silent treatment since Wednesday evening, when I asked if she would apologise or if she still thinks I'm being coerced into handing out railcards. She hasn't asked about her ten week old grandson once. She hasn't looked at his Instagram page (set up so she and in laws could see pics of him regularly) because she'd have to use the library computer and is too suspicious of the librarians, who must be spying on her. Her delusions and paranoid suspicions are more important to her than her only grandchild (and much more important to her than me).
• Her expectation will be that I shut up about the coercion thing, pretend it's fine that she withheld interest in my and my son as a punishment, and go ahead with our jolly family Christmas. I don't want to. I don't like being around her. But the guilt of telling her she's no longer welcome is pretty huge, because it means her having an absolutely shit time at her mother's (she lives with her mother and they hate each other)

So yeah. WIBU to uninvite her?

Forgive typos. I tapped out this entire saga with my thumb whilst breastfeeding.

Am I the only one who does shame, responsibility and anger? But no guilt?

I tend to end up being the first to shout. She pushes and pushes and pushes till she breaks me.

....again, her greater frailty nowadays is a boon because I can walk away and she can't follow me :)

Thank you Eyelevelgrill. Haven't heard how Ds's day has gone yet, but it will have been intense and he may well be preparing for tomorrow if he needs follow-up interviews. He needs to focus on what he needs to do in order to have the best chance of achieving his goals.
I have spent too much of my life trying to please someone who is never satisfied. Having children made me very aware of this and I made a promise that it stops with me.

Just heard from Ds. Today has gone ok and he has a 2nd interview tomorrow. Still no acknowledgement from Dm & I have no intention of letting her know anything more today. Noticed a pp said their Dm often uses the excuse of failed texts or broken phone. Sounds all too familiar!
Thank you OP for starting this thread, really helped to know there are others in the same boat.

This article may be helpful for some posters? I stumbled across it on facebook this morning!

www.bustle.com/articles/197159-how-to-cope-with-a-narcissistic-mother

Update from me:

So I got a letter from my mother in the post today, responding to my texts asking her to get help or to at least acknowledge there is some sort of problem, or I can't continue to welcome her into my home etc etc. She has responded by saying she's not paranoid anymore because 'it all came together', she knew what she had to do; she has drowned her laptop in the bath. Now the wifi network administrator is powerless over her. I'm afraid she sounds worse than ever. It was written in a pretty mad tone - her laptop 'lives no more' etc. It's written as if she's expecting praise and applause for this act. She also says that now that's over, she can join us for Christmas and be 'all smiles'. She mentions having been tearful since receiving my messages but that it's ok now because she did what needed to be done.

No apology obviously, and no mention of having taken some scissors to my mail either. No acknowledgement of or interest in my feelings, just talking about how I have made her tearful

I worry, tbh. What if the inner voice that tells her she needs to drown her laptop starts to tell her that her grandson isn't safe with us / is better off with her? She could actually take him. It seems absurd to be thinking along these lines, but she is clearly not able to distinguish between normal and delusional responses. Her delusions are the strongest thing about her. She is very mousy in other respects.

I feel so sick. Obviously it's not good enough as a response, but she thinks she has now fixed the problem and is coming up for Christmas. I know she shouldn't come, it would be hell - the very best I could hope for is for none of this to even be mentioned. But I hate causing her distress too. Plus, she will just turn up anyway, she's done it before.

If I wasn't breastfeeding I would be having a bottle of wine and a packet of fags round about now. I feel sick with anxiety over it all.

I'd be tempted to be honest to phone her local social services helpdesk or email them - include a copy of her letter to you, and explain your concerns? They may then make her GP aware, and even if it just achieves putting her under their radar, it may help. She obviously can refuse any help or treatment, but I personally would feel a bit better doing something proactive about it all. It sounds really shit that you're dealing with all of this as well as a newborn, and I'm sorry that you're having to.

How worrying for you :(. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm with galaxy here - at least try and talk to someone just to make them aware. She's starting to sound a bit psychotic now as well as everything else.

Are there any of the mental health charities that might be able to offer some guidance? Obviously, if she's delusional, she's not going to think she has a problem and seek help herself.

I'm afraid the others are right and you need to call social services now. She needs some mental health intervention if there'any way they can give it.

Yes maybe you can give a helpline a call and ask for advice?

Good point about a helpline. I'll look into one to ring. I highly doubt my mother is registered with a GP. Calling social services would make me nervous, because if they came knocking at her door it would be 'proof' that people really are watching her and betraying her, etc. It wouldn't help and would surely just entrench her beliefs yet further...

A big part of me thinks the easiest thing is to just have her up for five days, try to get through it without mentioning the problems, and deal with it in the new year when there are no invitations to rescind. Bad idea, right? I mean, she is clearly desperate to come but can't even bring herself to give a fake apology for the sake of keeping me sweet. It shows how deep this goes. Why not just say sorry with her fingers crossed behind her back?

On a serious note, I genuinely need to keep reminding myself how bad this is. I've lived with it for so long that even her maddest assertions can seem semi-normalised to me, and then I start to worry that in overreacting and she's just a bit eccentric but harmless. It's a swinging pendulum in my head all the time. I mean, drowning a laptop in a bath is seriously worrying behaviour, right?

How awful for you.

If she's this far gone, I'm afraid she does need some form of intervention - it sounds like she's (potentially) a danger to herself, and others.

As PP have suggested, a, MH charity would be a good starting point. If in England/Wales try Mind, if Scotland there's SAMH and also the Mental Welfare Commission.

"Humouring" her (not the best word but I hope ykwim) in her current state of mind is not going to help anyone.

I don't mean to scaremonger but if you do still let her come please don't ever leave her alone with your DS. She sounds very disturbed and who knows what odd ideas she may get into her head that she might involve him in.

I still think it's worth calling either SS or a helpline - hopefully they have dealt with similar before and won't just turn up on her doorstep if they can't actually do anything.

To reassure you, she's not a harmless eccentric and you're not overreacting.

You CANNOT have her around your DS in this state of mind. It wouldn't be safe.

You cannot have her in your house. You have a defenseless baby in your home. You cannot tell what her delusions will tell her to do with him. You have to take actions for his safety.

Tell her you are going abroad for Christmas, even if you aren´t. Tell whatever you need to tell her to stop her coming.

After Christmas, have you considered getting some counseling for yourself? Or contacting a support group? This is, very understandably, a difficult issue for you to deal with. Maybe you would find it easier to detach and make clear boundaries with some professional help? These are big, big issues for anyone to have to deal with on their own.

Sorry, I know this must be hard to read about your Mum . It's easy enough to sit and type all this but it's a very hard situation to deal with.

I'm really grateful for these responses and am reading and thinking. A friend has also suggested SS, and maybe that is indeed the right thing to do here. I agree, I need to say whatever it takes to get her not to come, I suppose. I actually think we will have to go away ourselves for a few days for Christmas itself, because of the risk of her turning up.

Hi there,

I'm sorry about the letter.

I agree it's time to get advice beyond this forum xx

This is such a difficult one. I cut off my parents totally about five and a half years ago. I have to say it was the best thing I ever did.

I am not in your situation so really don't know what is right but the behaviour displayed is very similar to what I had to deal with.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I had times where I felt great guilt or responsible for certain Things that have happened to them, but now my life is so much less stressful.

You are not being unreasonable.

Sounds like she has serious mental health issues.

So I haven't rung anybody yet because it's the weekend, but having looked around online I'm not very hopeful. SS seem to have very little interest in or power over adults like my mother, and the Mind charity website actually suggests that if your unwell relative won't seek help you should just try to see things from their point of view (really bad advice?!)

I now feel i have to options: leave over Christmas to go to a holiday cottage or hotel or something, which would be shit as we have a young baby and want to spend Christmas at home. Alternatively, we stay put, install a lock on our bedroom door, and white knuckle till she leaves

Neither is how I envisaged spending my baby's first Christmas

Either way I will have to ring her today, as she's pretending she can't respond to texts and I don't have time for letters, Christmas is nearly here. Dreading it.

So sorry Sanderling this must seem an impossible situation. I really do feel for you. I know you feel under pressure but do you absolutely have to ring your Mum today - can you put it off until you've sought advice?

I'm not going to pretend services in this country are brilliant for people with MHI because I know they aren't but I do know SS can go in and do an assessment if somebody is a risk to themselves or others. This may well apply in your Mum's case.

I think the advice about listening to someone's point of view and being supportive applies to something less serious.

I'm also wondering if speaking to a MH carers support organisation might be helpful for you?

Just some ideas

Thank you. Good call actually, I will hold off ringing her till I've spoken to someone. Will start with ringing Mind tomorrow. My Health Visitor is actually dropping by on Tuesday to weigh my baby, and I may bring it up then too - not really her field obviously, but she's a lovely woman who has a real interest in our welfare and may have some thoughts on what I should do. She may also know more than me about what sort of help is out there for situations like this, if any.

IsThis as bad as his sounds I think you need to become selfish and distance yourself. Always make sure your DM has all she needs to lead a good life (food, clothes, heathing etc) but distance yourself.

My story is amazingly similar to yours down to my mum "drowning" about 3 mobile phones (I lost count it could be more) in water so that "they" cannot listen to her conversations anymore. Oh and she'd read all those articles about how your phone can be used as a spying device even if it is turned off and she'd put it in a glass of water again.

It all became clear when I realised that as long as she isn't a harm to others or herself nobody would help, my DM went to the police showing them photos of planes in the sky stating that they follow her. Called the SS on me as my husband was abusing my kids and I knew and did nothing about it. I had to be subject to investigation because of her, my kids school and nursery contacted... Because when you talked to her she appeared completely normal and she knew people thought she has MH issues so she'd hide all the unusual behaviour (speaking to herself loudly and having a conversation, if you would call her on it she'd pretend she was talking to herself like everybody does) she'd only show it to us and to the police on one occasion when she reported the planes.

Bottom line, myself and my DB have distanced ourselves, we make sure she has all she needs, food, money, talk to her once a week via Skype and that is it. She refuses help and she's no harm to anybody. I can't tell you what I have been through for the last 6 years including doubting myself a lot and almost splitting my family up for/because of her.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, not many people understand I am afraid as not many people talk about it, I myself found it hard to acknowledge my DM has reached this point in real life.