AIBU not to send DD to a private prep school

[Littlemessymiss]

We can afford it. We live opposite it. It is a really good school.
I just don't think it is worth the investment in the early years if we have good state schools nearby. I'd rather invest in more informative years, as long as they get the basics.
I don't like some of the attitudes and snobbishness of some of the other parents.
There is absolutely no diversity.
AIBU to deny my DD(s) 'the best start'?
I also worry about how stretched our state schools are becoming.

Not sure where diversity comes into it / surely that is more a reflection of the local catchment. Our local primary is almost exclusively white middle class whereas nearest Prep is far more diverse given a wider catchment

We are very fortunate to live in an area with outstanding primary schools. Virtually no-one educates them privately at that age as there is no need. A significant minority send them to private school for secondary education though.

You just need to look at all options and do what is best for your child.

Not diverse is not true.

You are giving her the best start. She will learn to mix with all sorts, and it is a good school, so that is where she should be.

No, you are incredibly sensible, I think, in actual fact. You can spend the cash you save on things you and your child enjoy. Private schools are a complete waste of money

I just don't think it is worth the investment in the early years if we have good state schools nearby. I'd rather invest in more informative years, as long as they get the basics.

For us, it was this. The really really good independent schools would have involved a nightmare commute (I actually don't understand how two working parent families get YR children there unless they are also paying for a nanny which would have stretched us too far - it's one or the other for us) so we looked at more local indy schools and, when compared to our really very good states, I couldn't see where the bang was for my buck. Class size of 18 vs 30 at state. Much older teachers....much older buildings and frankly, destination schools were not that impressive.

So, our daughter is at a state school but we have a nanny who does all our wraparound which means she's coming home, doing some home learning, getting one-to-one support, and that seems to be working for us.

It's a horrible conundrum OP. In my limited experience, however, private education is not the be all and end all that some think it is. Some people will be wildly successful whatever their circumstances, and some will not be wildly successful whatever their circumstances. Those in private education might have a better leg up, but they won't necessarily succeed.

Should point out....I was privately educated in a highly selective school.

This: "You are obviously in a position to choose so forget about private v state, visit them all and see which you and your dd prefer."

..set aside all preconceptions and just look at the actual schools - and then don't overanalyse - pick the one which you get the best gut feel from, and where you can imagine your DD happy and thriving.

more time teaching to your child's ability

Actually, that's not true. In private schools I have visited, the teachers tend to teach to the top of the ability range. If you are not one of the star pupils - forget it.

than differentiating for the extremes of ability

As if there weren't ranges of ability in private schools... (see above)

of managing challenging behaviour

As if there aren't disruptive children in private schools (high end autism, for instance)...

We had to make this choice and chose the prep school but comparing to friends with kids in the (very good) state school I think there are pros and cons of both options.

In the prep school my DS gets lots more time outdoors, sport is taken a bit more seriously, more opportunities for music and extra curriculars he gets more attention (he has some social and emotional issues so it was a particular concern) and reads with a teacher or TA every day, everything's a bit more laid back - they're happy to send him home for the afternoon if he's too tired for example. They're more flexible with the syllabus and get to carry on with play based education for longer. It does also have more of a homely atmosphere. They don't set a lot of homework beyond reading with parents.

OTOH while not all the parents are snobby (I've made some lovely friends) some are a bit; one mum basically told me she would pay for private because she doesn't want her kid mixing with the "village children" whatever that means. It's definitely less diverse. Because it's a smaller community it does seem a bit more insular - and some parents seem a bit overly involved (wanting to know what reading level everyone is at, encouraging their DCs to make friends with certain kids over others etc.). Luckily this isn't the case at my DS's school but some prep schools are incredibly pushy and if at some point your DC has any kind of issue (SEN, minor behaviour issue, or just is not particularly academic) they'll pressure you to leave.

A lot of the decision should also come down to the particular prep school and particular state school you have on offer.

It's not about state or private you just need to choose the school you feel will best suit your child. I've had two children go through the state system and one in private, there are pros and cons to all schools.

Don't make assumptions about any of the schools until you've looked round them all and met with the headteacher and asked all the relevant questions. Also speak to as many parents of children at the private and state schools as possible.

We are in an area well served by good (and outstanding) state schools but also with a number of pre prep and prep schools. We looked at both options and there were some private options I wouldn't have on my short list, but some offered significantly more than the state schools. I would suggest you visit as many as you can in a reasonable radius and then make a choice on best fit rather than cost (if you can afford it!)

..set aside all preconceptions and just look at the actual schools - and then don't overanalyse - pick the one which you get the best gut feel from, and where you can imagine your DD happy and thriving.

Yes...probably the right decision NOT to send DD to the one that made me shudder and where I ceremoniously binned the prospectus when I got home and would have set a match to it if I had had any.

My Mum always said "it's not just about the best school. It's about the best school for the child."

I would go and view both schools before making a decision and base it on your child's needs.

I went to a very diverse private secondary school and a fairly diverse state primary. Equally my DH has been to non diverse both state and private. I think there it depends where you live and type of school it is. You might think you know it but I would still check it out as you could find out much more. It can't hurt to look.

As someone who was privately educated (good selective day school) and can in no way afford it for my own children, I'd strike a note of caution.

Yes, I have good grades, went to a good university (red brick, not top top), got a profession (now left it) etc. However so do loads of people from state schools.

However, as a PP said, I do have an inferiority complex to an extent because although I am clever, I am not super bright like many were and always being in bottom sets, even though I imagine these would have been close to the top in a state school, has had a lasting affect, 20 years on.

Our teachers weren't IMO actually all fantastic (some were) but were able to teach because of the demographic I.e. We were there to learn and put lots of self study in. I also had some rubbish teachers who just couldn't teach to "lower" ability children.

I also missed out on seeing boys as normal creatures and not these exotic species which I think is important growing up.

In summary, you don't know what your daughter will be like later on but don't automatically assume private is best.

It depends what the state alternatives are.

If like you say, they are good, I would make use of them for now, and supplement with extra curricular activities and tutoring where required. This will be far cheaper than a private prep. You can then review the situation, and consider whether you wish to apply for the 7+ or 11+.

I disagree with some other posters here. State primary can offer a great foundation (my dd's excellent school certainly does), as well as a wealth of extra curricular activities, and music/languages.

I agree that you should look around the schools and see which one you think is the best fit for your DC.

If she is definitely going to go private later then I would start her off in that sector now. She will make friends who may move up with her and she will no doubt get some tuition for the entrance exam.

The fact that the school is so close would be a big positive for me.

I would set aside your idea that 'a prep school is the best start', as it isn't necessarily. It might be, it might not be, it's not a given.
Visit all schools with an open mind, then decide.
Fwiw, We could afford private, visited all schools, and then decided that the state school was the best. Win, win. Best school, ioo, and free.
I have a number of friends who sent their children to our local prep school without even looking at state. Whoops.

FWIW we have just sent DS at the age of 11 to a prep. He was at a fantastic state primary, and I had assumed that he would get into the nearest comp to our house (less than 1km). He didn't, we live 100m too far away, and so he got a place at a different comp that we didn't like.

We held on until August, and didn't move on the waiting list, and then one (excellent) prep rang up and said they had spaces. He did the test and started in September.

He is doing very well - I had worried he would be behind his classmates, but that isn't the case. He is balanced - fitting in with the boys, but also has his head screwed on firmly and knows that the boys who always fly first class aren't living in the real world.

If the state primary is good, I would go for that. I have no complaints about ours, and both my kids have had a fantastic education there.

Thanks for the words of wisdom mumsnetters.
I grew up in a place where we experienced different cultures. Our school had a lot of scholarships and assisted places.
Where we live now is purely white & middle class.

I didn't and never have thought of education as an "investment". I just chose what I thought was the better schools. They happened to all be independent but that isn't a surprise seeing as the amount spent per child in an independent school is often 2 or 3 times more than a state school. More money doesn't automatically mean better education, but often it does - staff paid more and happier, roofs not falling down, enough resources, bursaries provided, etc. If it's a not for profit school, the fee income all goes back into the school.
If the state options had been truly outstanding, I would have chosen differently but they would have been a compromise in our case.
It's a choice. No right or wrong, just a choice. But I don't think of it as an investment that will bear fruit later on in life. I think that is a dangerous way of thinking that puts pressure on kids to produce the goods to make the sacrifice worth it. I made the choice for them at prep level and am happy taking that on even if they flunk every exam when older 😏

Private schools are a complete waste of money

That is very misleading. Whilst I don't dispute that for you and your family they may be a waste of money for many other families - mine included - they're quite the opposite.

OP - if you're not morally opposed to private education you need to take that out of the equation and simply look around all schools and make your decision on the best fit for your DD.

If where you live is purely white middle class then you will prob have similar kinds of parents at each school so I wouldn't go by that. Just view the schools and see which fits x

You might actually get more diversity in private.

This is true of our area and local fee-paying school, definitely one of the pluses for the school. I fear for my children's perceptions as we live in a very white British area!

I went to state primary and private secondary. Thinking about doing the same for our kids.

I think there's a bigger difference between private and state for quality of secondary education then for primary. Also, it's easier to help them at home academically at primary level if you want to go beyond what they do at school. I've been really impressed by our local state primary so far and certainly don't regret the decision. The private primaries round here are very traditional/academic focused even at a young age, whereas I feel that learning should still be play-based in the early primary years.

The other thing about primary level is that the kids aren't at an age where behaviour of even the worst kids is likely to be too disruptive. One of the big reasons for paying for private education in my opinion, is that you want that teachers who can focus on teaching rather than behaviour. That and you are paying for a peer group with parents who care about education (which doesn't mean that most of the parents at a state school don't, just that there will be some who won't, whereas you pretty much eliminate those at a private school).