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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask to see kids during 'his time' if he's at work over Xmas?

47 replies

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 10:39

Searched through Google for any similar situations to seek advice but no joy, so here I am asking you...

My STBX and I are in the middle of the dreadful 'financial bit' of our divorce. He comes back to the FMH for his contact time and has the kids (7 & 9) one evening a week and every Saturday and Sunday while I go elsewhere (boyfriend's or friend's). He 'lives' with his girlfriend during the rest of the week though denies it's his home although they have bought pets together (that's another story - mainly to strengthen his case for the financial split). We normally split holidays in half and this year it's his turn to have the first week of Christmas (plus Xmas Eve/Day). His job means he absolutely cannot take time off over Christmas and generally works even more hours (out at 5.30am and not home until between 7-11pm) depending on how busy he is with no time off until Christmas Day.

I've explained that I can take the week off work and have the kids around his shifts so at least the kids will be with one parent and he can have them whenever he finishes at a reasonable time (and of course for his Christmas Eve/Day). I imagine he plans on leaving the kids with his girlfriend while he's at work and if they're at her place they'll sleep on the sofa and a camp bed in the living room (they've stayed over once or twice). Otherwise, he may be expecting to have her stay here for the week at the FMH and care for the kids (though not sure what will happen with her own kids and their pets). She works from home so I don't see the kids doing anything in particular or going on any days out.

We have a very acrimonious relationship and only communicate (if at all) by text. When I proposed this over a week ago by text, he ignored me. His previous messages read 'I'll have the kids during (x & y) dates and when it's my time you'll need to be elsewhere.'

His girlfriend and I started out with what I thought was a very amicable relationship but it's since soured drastically and she now treats me very much as the enemy and seems to be working to bring me down at every turn (again, another story). I no I have no control over who my ex chooses to have in his life and by extension, in our kids' lives but I really don't feel comfortable with her coming to live in my home for a week, or having sole care of the kids while they camp-out at her place instead and their Dad isn't around.

The last time I attempted to get a full half term instead of half a week, my ex encouraged me to keep the usual term-time arrangement so he could still see them as I wasn't actually taking them away anywhere. I conceded and agreed with him. I feel as though I'm only asking for the same consideration. If I imagine this the other way around, it seems preposterous - it's my contact time, I have to work 12 hour shifts every day but no, you can't see your kids as it's technically 'my time' and they'll stay with my boyfriend on his sofa. I don't even think it would be that bad if it was in the middle of the Summer when there's more time to play with but Christmas just seems like a more special time of year when families should try to spend time together. I just really want them to have a brilliant time with someone who can spend time with them (even if it's not me) so they get to go ice-skating or visit a crap Santa and get a naff gift.

Essentially I'm asking, is child contact for the children to actually spend time with a parent or is it just to tick a box for 'nights per week'?

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 05/12/2016 10:45

No experience of this but it doesn't sound like he's thinking of the best thing for the children. It does sound unusual that he uses the house you effectively live in. Where does he claim to live legally?

mummytime · 05/12/2016 10:46

He should be having contact in his home and not your home.
Them staying at his girlfriends sounds fine to me, but he doesn't have any right (or shouldn't) to turf you out of your own home.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 10:58

Back story - I moved out (financial abuse) and rented temporarily with the kids, I attempted to move back in (4-6 months later) and asked him to rent. He refused and changed the locks. He met his girlfriend and began to stay at hers most of the time, leaving the house empty except when he had the kids. Mediation and solicitors letters no use to gain access so I 'broke in' and moved back in while he was at work.

He locked the valuables (TV, games consoles meh) into what was our bedroom and I now sleep in the spare room. We reached an arrangement of the shared house but one year on I've asked him to now think about having the kids where he lives. His response was to march straight into the house 15 minutes later with his girlfriend in tow, past me, up the stairs to take some 'valuables' with him before stating that he will 'have his time, with his kids, in his house where he pays the mortgage' (we share costs exactly 50/50 by the way) and to take the cats with me next time as he'll be bringing his dogs with him from now on.

I don't have the right to lock him out and don't have the strength to block access on his night with the kids - I can't bear the thought of the kids witnessing anything which could blow up. This could take another year or more but no matter what, he thinks this puts him in a better position and that I'm the illegal occupant.

OP posts:

SomethingLikeFlying · 05/12/2016 11:02

I think the children should be with you rather than his girlfriend if he's working, especially over Christmas. It shouldn't always have to be rigid "his time" "my time"- you're co-parents and if one of you is off and you want to spend time with your children then I think that's fine. It's not like they will be missing out on time with him if he's not even at home.

Plus as a side point, his girlfriend might want to be doing other things rather than babysitting for him whilst he's working so much.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 11:03

Instead, how about if you take the girlfriend out of the equation and I ask if it's reasonable to not see the kids for a week of Christmas as they're with a babysitter all day? I don't want this to be about the fact they'll be with his girlfriend (as much as I really don't want her in my house!) but that they won't be with either of us...

OP posts:

zzzzz · 05/12/2016 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 11:05

You're right SomethingLikeFlying but this is a man who doesn't want the kids to open 'his' advent calendar while he's not there! I don't think he grasps the concept that's it's a Christmas count-down...

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 11:08

zzzz she says that he has no real reason to be there. We've drafted a letter to his solicitor to at least suggest that once a proposal has been agreed that he should no longer return to the house while things are being drawn up. Whatever happens the house has to sell, we're just arguing about the equity (or lack of it).

He only ever responds to force but I just don't have it in me. Whenever I feel like I've moved on from his control, here I am back again unable to stand up to him when we're face to face.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 05/12/2016 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suppermummy02 · 05/12/2016 11:14

What a mess. So in this situation you have to follow the letter of the law, which means he gets his contact time as agreed and you have to accept it even if you dont like it.

If the father decides to work and have children spend some time with extended family or partner then he is legally allowed to do so. Children can still have a good time. Just have a second xmas when its your time with them.

Castleheights · 05/12/2016 11:14

Omg this sounds awful, sympathy for you.
No experience I'm afraid, but I do think it's correct (legally at least) that you can't lock him out and are you an illegal occupant if you split everything 50/50?? Surely he could have you evicted if that were true.
How long until the house is sold and split??
It's horrible but I'd be tempted to let him get on with having the dc at his new home, simply because I couldn't bear the idea of having him near me, or the gf in my home. Yes I know it's not fair on the children, but the children should come first and he needs to see that his arrangement has not put them first: Not because of what you did. Make sense??

user1480182169 · 05/12/2016 11:23

Lock him out anyway. There is fuck all he can actually do about it. Stop moving out and letting him have every weekend with the children. Stay in your home and keep him out, and if he gets overly arsey about it call the cops on him.

You dont have to let him have it all his way.

Gymnopedies · 05/12/2016 11:24

You can't make him leave but he can't make you leave either. I would stay put to see the kids if they are there. Not much else you can do I think. I hope the house sells quickly so you can move on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2016 11:26

Sounds awful, Happy, I think he actually does grasp the Christmas countdown very well and just wants to deprive you/hurt you in any way that he can.

I really think that your solicitor should be working to put in some conditions that cannot be bent or deviated from by your STBEXH. The fact that you do/did what was best and nicest for your children is testament to you being a good mum and fair ex-partner. He isn't playing by the same rules as you and that's where he can hurt you. Don't let him - get your solicitor on the case pronto! No more Mrs Nice Guy from you.

, it's a lousy time of year to be going through this crap.

amammabear · 05/12/2016 11:40

Gosh, I think you need to get this legally resolved!

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 11:45

Think I might suck it up and just stay in the house and see what happens. At the very least, I can always take off if he's here with the kids so I don't interrupt their time with him.

Any views from single Dads would be useful (not the crazy living situation - just the contact time question).

PS he thinks I'm an illegal occupant because EVERTHING is in his name (we bought the house and contents together but he controlled all finances). I know the law would disagree but they'll never change his ideas on this subject.

OP posts:

waterrat · 05/12/2016 11:45

I think there are bigger issues here than Christmas week.

It might help to try to focus on the bigger picture at the moment.

the two of you don't get on well enough to make small negotiations like this - that's tough but maybe just the way it is at the moment. I would agree he is being unreasonable but it might be worth more of your energy to focus on resolving your housing/ access situation rather than worrying about one single week.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 11:53

Think you're right waterrat . It's my first Christmas without the kids and I was expecting it to be difficult, it's just being compounded by the other issues.

If I stay put at least I'll be in my own home - even if the kids are elsewhere. Bitter pill to swallow but made far worse than this uncertainty of where I'll be staying in all of this. Let's just say, I can't wait for next Christmas...

OP posts:

zzzzz · 05/12/2016 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatStewie · 05/12/2016 13:44

TBH, I'd be looking at forcing the sale of the house so he has no access to your own home. It is completely unreasonable for him to control you through the home. The kids don't need to remain in the family home. They need to feel safe & secure which they won't if he can waltz whenever he wants to cause chaos.

Legally, there's not much you can do about Christmas this year but the kids will start voting with their feet as they get older.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 14:52

Yes all true. We are married so I know legally the house is half mine. Things regularly go missing - it's like the bloody Generation Game every time I come back (for those of you old enough to remember). Trying to get him to bring things back is an absolute waste of my time. Aside from taking him to court, there's very little I can do but wait it out. I'm averaging £500 a month going to my solicitor so definitely can't cope with more cost.

He's the one forcing the sale as he wants to pay off his debts with the equity. I can't raise a mortgage large enough to 'buy' it from him (the title is in his name - see above!). Other than a Mesher which I don't want, I need to get what equity I can from the house and buy elsewhere - hence the dragged out divorce...

He's basically saying I've forced him from his house and his girlfriend has kindly 'taken him in' - so he doesn't technically live there, which is why he should be able to come and go as he pleases including when he has the kids here. I think her emails would beg to differ, particularly as they've bought pets together etc. and she's very keen to play house. She seems to think this is my arrangement and I'm trying to stop him moving on. I would LOVE him to move on and get the hell out! I feel like we're a large storage unit for his sporting equipment and boys toys.

Just literally had an email from a cottage I rented with my Dad last year (for the second week of Xmas while ex was here) and they've had a cancellation and want to know if I'd like it over Christmas... can't bear any more drama so may seriously consider it!

OP posts:

beanabonce · 05/12/2016 14:56

We have a cao. In it it states that if the father can't be present then contact doesn't take place. Could this be something you'd look into? Hth.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 16:00

Thanks beanabonce - that's very interesting. I'll definitely look into it and see how it might help.

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 05/12/2016 16:13

He sounds like an utter wanker. I'm so glad you are getting shot of him. I have no idea what to say or advice but I can see he has worn you down over the years. Let him have the kids, but not in your home. If the girlfriend is so desperate to play house with the fucker let them. She will soon get sick of it. I'm worried if you move out over Xmas, though under stable you need a real rest, that he might move back in, change the locks, throw out your pets, also if your kids need you you will be far away. But maybe you do just need a break from this crap.

TitaniasCloset · 05/12/2016 16:15

Sorry, understandable.

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