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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask to see kids during 'his time' if he's at work over Xmas?

47 replies

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 10:39

Searched through Google for any similar situations to seek advice but no joy, so here I am asking you...

My STBX and I are in the middle of the dreadful 'financial bit' of our divorce. He comes back to the FMH for his contact time and has the kids (7 & 9) one evening a week and every Saturday and Sunday while I go elsewhere (boyfriend's or friend's). He 'lives' with his girlfriend during the rest of the week though denies it's his home although they have bought pets together (that's another story - mainly to strengthen his case for the financial split). We normally split holidays in half and this year it's his turn to have the first week of Christmas (plus Xmas Eve/Day). His job means he absolutely cannot take time off over Christmas and generally works even more hours (out at 5.30am and not home until between 7-11pm) depending on how busy he is with no time off until Christmas Day.

I've explained that I can take the week off work and have the kids around his shifts so at least the kids will be with one parent and he can have them whenever he finishes at a reasonable time (and of course for his Christmas Eve/Day). I imagine he plans on leaving the kids with his girlfriend while he's at work and if they're at her place they'll sleep on the sofa and a camp bed in the living room (they've stayed over once or twice). Otherwise, he may be expecting to have her stay here for the week at the FMH and care for the kids (though not sure what will happen with her own kids and their pets). She works from home so I don't see the kids doing anything in particular or going on any days out.

We have a very acrimonious relationship and only communicate (if at all) by text. When I proposed this over a week ago by text, he ignored me. His previous messages read 'I'll have the kids during (x & y) dates and when it's my time you'll need to be elsewhere.'

His girlfriend and I started out with what I thought was a very amicable relationship but it's since soured drastically and she now treats me very much as the enemy and seems to be working to bring me down at every turn (again, another story). I no I have no control over who my ex chooses to have in his life and by extension, in our kids' lives but I really don't feel comfortable with her coming to live in my home for a week, or having sole care of the kids while they camp-out at her place instead and their Dad isn't around.

The last time I attempted to get a full half term instead of half a week, my ex encouraged me to keep the usual term-time arrangement so he could still see them as I wasn't actually taking them away anywhere. I conceded and agreed with him. I feel as though I'm only asking for the same consideration. If I imagine this the other way around, it seems preposterous - it's my contact time, I have to work 12 hour shifts every day but no, you can't see your kids as it's technically 'my time' and they'll stay with my boyfriend on his sofa. I don't even think it would be that bad if it was in the middle of the Summer when there's more time to play with but Christmas just seems like a more special time of year when families should try to spend time together. I just really want them to have a brilliant time with someone who can spend time with them (even if it's not me) so they get to go ice-skating or visit a crap Santa and get a naff gift.

Essentially I'm asking, is child contact for the children to actually spend time with a parent or is it just to tick a box for 'nights per week'?

OP posts:

SavageBeauty73 · 05/12/2016 16:32

What a dick. You sound completely reasonable.

ArmfulOfRoses · 05/12/2016 16:37

What sort of things is he removing from the house?
I know that isn't what you're asking about, but I think you should take dated photos of all rooms and contents.

youarenotkiddingme · 05/12/2016 17:05

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sounds a tough situation as it is without the extra stress of Christmas and it being the first without your DCs.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2016 17:18

With the utmost respect intended people like this only continue with their unreasonable behaviour when they can, they rely on people not arguing with them.

Unless a court order says you shouldn't be there then you are entitled to free use just the same as him

EggysMom · 05/12/2016 17:39

He locked the valuables (TV, games consoles meh) into what was our bedroom and I now sleep in the spare room.
I hope your room (the spare room) has a lock too, so that he cannot get in there when you are absent? And that you lock away all that is important to you?

ems137 · 05/12/2016 18:16

I'm so sorry you have to endure this wanker!

You certainly should not have to move out for Christmas so he and his girlfriend can stay IN YOUR HOME for a week. That is absolutely ridiculous and I just struggle to understand how much of a dick he must be to think that's ok! But then again, my ex used to do similar until I cottoned on to it and stopped contact from taking place in my home. Have you spoke to women's aid regarding the abuse you have/are suffering? Does your solicitor know you're a domestic abuse victim? Mediation is not usually recommended when there are instances of abuse as it can just be used as another manipulation tool.

Keep strong, you're doing well x

Lovewineandchocs · 05/12/2016 18:27

OP, has your solicitor spoken to you about getting an Occupation Order?

Inertia · 05/12/2016 18:36

He might well be legally entitled to access the family home until divorce details are finalised, but surely his girlfriend has no right to stay there without him?

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 19:02

To what extent are these arrangements (which sound ridiculous) legally supported? So does he have a contact order or is it informal? From what I have just read here he has no legal right to ask you to leave the house at all, is that right? If this is the case and he has no contact order, I would just tell him: you're not having the kids this week as you're not around to look after them. Let him take you to court.

Blondeandinept · 05/12/2016 19:08

OP, this is terrible.

You need to get down and dirty. I really mean it. You need to fight dirty. If it means telling your solicitor that you are frightened of you husband and alluding to the possibility of him being violent towards you (let's face it, a twat like this isn't above anything) then so be it. Then, you can get him banned from the house.

This man sounds devoid of anything decent at all. He will not respond to logic or emotion. You need to get down to his level OP and give as good as he does. Good luck x

Neverenoughspoons · 05/12/2016 19:53

Well said Blonde!

PossumInAPearTree · 05/12/2016 20:15

Yes, get him banned from the house. Certainly don't move out when he comes for his weekends with the kids. If you make it difficult for him then he's less likely to keep doing it. I can't imagine the gf will want to play happy families with you sitting on the sofa!

43percentburnt · 05/12/2016 20:36

You Definately need to fight or he will walk over you. I bet He is only having the kids as much as he is because he wants to reduce maintenance.

Film the contents of each room, inside cupboards etc, quickest way or recording what is there.

Get a SHL to give you proper advice. Playing nice won't make it easier, he is a twat, avoiding an arguement won't change this.

Qwertie · 05/12/2016 20:47

I think you may be entitled to have a charge put on the house with the Land Registry; it would secure your interest in the marital home & your share would have to be released to you on completion of the sale before any funds are released to him. Your solicitor would obviously be able to advise you on this.

Marmalady75 · 05/12/2016 21:05

I'd be tempted to book the cottage and disappear off with the kids for the week. I'd let him take me to court after it and explain that there was a misunderstanding- I thought he was working. Oops! At least I would have had the kids for Christmas and he would learn that I couldn't be walked all over.
That said, I know it's not right and that you are trying to keep the peace OP. You are much nicer to that arsehole than I would be!

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 05/12/2016 23:47

Thanks Qwertie, already had Land Registry add me to protect my home rights - his reaction was to remove me from his work's private medical insurance without telling me (while I was in the midst of having a suspicious ovarian cyst investigated - nice).

Whatever happens I don't want to 'frustrate' his contact time. I'll always take the high road and hope the kids will respect me more for it when they're older.

I have no worries about him locking me out and moving back in. He's here often enough that he would have done it by now if he was going to. I don't want to put a lock on my door though I was tempted in the beginning. He would go into my room for random things while I wasn't there (towels etc) so I said 'enter my room without permission once more and I'll enter your room without permission' (the padlock isn't that strong!). He hasn't been in since! I keep most of my documents (particularly the divorce file) in my car boot so it stays with me wherever I go for security.

LoveWineandCkcs - I looked into an Occupation Order when I was trying to gain access but it was impossible without any evidence of recent abuse. I didn't understand I was a victim of domestic abuse until it was pointed out to me by a friend - I didn't realise financial abuse even existed. Once my eyes had been opened, I left him shortly afterwards. The main pitfall for me was that I didn't report it at the time it was happening and so there is very little proof - except years of having a tiny bank balance and hardly any deposits from him (all accounts were separate). It was quicker and easier to just break in and let him know he was welcome to stay. He didn't thank goodness.

All I can say is I wish the coercive and controlling behaviour law existed back then and things might be very different for me now - I'd at least have some legal aid!

We have no official contact order Trifle, just an agreement we reached back in the day when we were going through mediation and we've stuck to it for the last year or so. I do plan on putting something on paper and filing at Court at some point - just to prevent any mishaps once this sorry situation is behind us once and for all.

Gotta say, I expected everyone to tell me to suck it up and deal with it. I've ended the day feeling fairly optimistic and supported after reading all the great responses. Sending a big thanks to everyone who wrote to me today - don't use mumsnet often enough!

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 07/12/2016 13:41

Don't leave important stuff in the car especially this time of year. Keep it at with the solicitor or someone you trust. Duplicate everything.

Original poster

HappyDay5 · 07/12/2016 15:02

That's a good point, thoughtfox, don't know what I'd do if the contents of my boot were taken - it's my entire identity in a box!

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 07/12/2016 15:32

Christmas is bad for car break ins. Opportunists looking for presents. Good luck.

Inertia · 07/12/2016 19:29

THoughtfox is right- copy your documents, lock away copies in your room in a heavyweight lockable box, consider lodging originals with your solicitor. Identity theft is not something you want to add to your list of worries.

Hope things work out.

ChasedByBees · 09/12/2016 00:21

I would put a lock on your door anyway. It's your private space - he has enforced his, why can't you have yours. Sorry you're enduring this, it sounds terrible. :(

jayisforjessica · 09/12/2016 00:44

Can I be dreadfully naive (and a bit derailey) and ask what exactly a CAO is? Sorry for what you're going through, OP :(

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