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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in an abusive relationship,

32 replies

User13647345 · 05/12/2016 08:19

Or is it normal,for your husband to tell you to fuck of and never offer him a lift to the station again.when your trying to save him a half hour walk at 7 am....is it normal,for your husband to marry you when he dosnt want to?...he's smiling in the photos...but has since said he didn't want to get married..we had 4 kids and it was important to me,we'd been together a long time.i guess he just went along with it...he only talks to me when he's talking about himself.or his job,not interested otherwise..he ignored me most of the weekend,playing on a games console with the youngest...I have sex knowing he will be in a good mood for a few days,the good mood is lasting a shorter time...he had an affair a few yrs back.as a SAHM I had no choice but to take him back.his moods are awful.i spend far to long wondering what's caused the mood this time...he complains I don't wash the pots properly,but I'm not allowed a dishwasher..I don't keep the house clean enough for him.he walks around like he's stepping on dog poo,like the house is filthy and it's beneath him...no one else lifts a finger to help,i clear up after 3 adult kids and a child.he won't make them help me....I think he actually hates me😰😪...

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 05/12/2016 08:23

You appear to be very very unhappy in your marriage, which is what matters, and I can see why. Have you considered going to counselling on your own?

You also seem to have become very browbeaten - can't you get the three adult children to pull their weight? Why is it up to him to make them?

Chartreuse45 · 05/12/2016 08:25

Yes. I do not know which country you live in but you have financial rights. Percentage of the family home, of his pension etc. Make an appointment with a lawyer and clarify what they are! You are not helping your adult children by modelling this behaviour, you don't want your DS treating his partner this way or your DD being treated this way by theirs. Start today!

deloresclaiborne · 05/12/2016 08:31

your not allowed to use the dish washer is he your husband or your boss?
sound like a miserable relationship, if it was me i'd be making plans to move on or getting him to move out. life too short.
if someone came to you and told you just what you have told us what would your advice to them be

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/12/2016 09:05

From what you have said it does appear that you are in an abusive relationship. I'd show him the door.

Topseyt · 05/12/2016 09:11

Yes, I would say it sounds abusive. He sounds as though he holds you in contempt.

Make exit plans?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/12/2016 09:13

There's a 'relationships' section of Mumsnet and if you post there, you might find there are lots of good perspectives.
That's not meant to dismiss the thoughtful responses so far - just AIBU can get a bit fraught at times.
0808 2000 247 is the national domestic violence helpline in the UK. Don't be put off by the word 'violence' - I'm not sure why it's not called 'domestic abuse helpline' but it's to support anyone in a situation like yours.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/
You could ring and voice your concern and it might help to have someone trained confirm your suspicions before you take matters further.

Snapandcrackle · 05/12/2016 09:36

If you feel the need to ask then the answer is yes

Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:00

I feel,manipulated and confused,bamboozled.i just don't know.25 yrs together he goes cold and distant on me,for weeks at a time...I have sex when I don't want to because I know it puts him in a good mood..I wish I'd never have to have sex again,,but we are married...for ages I thought he had autism like his son...but I read a bit of Lundy Bancroft,and realised how much of my time I spend trying to figure out his moods,he controls me by going cold and moody.ive asked him to leave a few times,he tells me I don't understand the money,I wouldn't be able to pay the bills by myself,he says he's needed by the kids...

OP posts:
Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:05

When I was pregnant with my first I earned more than him.i was looking for childcare.i loved my job and wanted to go back...but I ended up a SAHM...I often wondered how the hell that happened...then he said a few yrs back,he would never of married a career woman,he was always going to have a woman who stayed home and kept house and kids....it all made sense then,I knew he was a very clever man,to of done that.since then he would say,,if you get a job I will pack mine in,or if you drop them at a childminders I will pick them up....

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Castleheights · 05/12/2016 10:06

Run ... run for the hills. There are always options.
It's hard at first, very hard to admit the life you have created is shit.
The man you married is not the man you want to love and grow old with.
Yes you are in an abusive relationship, but I think you know that.

Castleheights · 05/12/2016 10:08

He's a controlling selfish unlovable person from the brief details you have given
Ask yourself
are you his equal??
Is his happiness more important than yours?

alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 10:12

yes he sounds horrible. Why are you staying? You need to rebuild a life for yourself that makes you feel happy.

Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:13

Thankyou for your responses.i appreciate you all taking the time to help me

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NavyandWhite · 05/12/2016 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:17

Alotlikechristmas, well my 7 Yr old would want to live with his dad if we split....dad spent every waking moment doing whatever the 7 yr old wants..not home work or reading.just all the good stuff while he screams at me I'm a mean mummie.for making him do homework or pick up stuff of the floor..dad plays I do cooking cleaning tidying.was the same with the older kids....so how do I leave? Do I let him have the 7 yr old?

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alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 10:20

user, no you don't. Your DS is 7, he doesn't know what's best for him. My DD (6) would probably sell me for a mum with sparkly shoes, because she's 6 and she lives for sparkles and chocolate. You get a lawyer, you split DS's time 50/50 at worst, and you enforce proper boundaries and a balanced life and teach your DS to respect you and not just have daddy spoiling him and demeaning you all the time. Your DS will thank you in the end.

Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:21

Then what...older ones doing alevels..I can't afford to buy a house in this area.id have to uproot 4 kids to a new area,because I was unhappy...so the 4 kids would be unhappy...why is my unhappiness more important than there's? I've no right to make them leave their home and friends and not live with their dad....I just want him to love me and I dont understand why he doesn't..I don't know what I'm doing wrong all the time

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alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 10:22

your soon to be ex may threaten to 'take DS away' but a 7 year old doesn't get to decide custody, it's never going to be in a child's best interests to lose contact with a parent unless that parent has severe MH/drugs/alcohol issues the type that you'd already have SS involvement for if you had them. So really you have to stand up to both of them, because your 7 year old DS is otherwise learning from his dad how to treat women.

Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:25

I'm so confused.i came from a broken home took an overdose as a teenager due to parents divorcing..it ruined my life,and it's made me ,as an adult stay in an unhappy relationship,as I don't want to put my kids through what I went through...

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Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:27

One of my kids is autistic and won't cope with a move or any change..it's such a mess...I've made such a mess of my life,trying to make everyone's else's life lovely..

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alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 10:28

why do you have to buy immediately? Can you rent somewhere so you can wait out the A levels and then re-locate somewhere you want to live that you can afford? You're creating yourself a false dichotomy 'why is my happiness more important than theirs', it's quite possible that you'll improve their lives too by making yourself happy and stopping normalizing your DH's treatment of you. Histrionics from teenagers aside, every single person has a right to happiness, and not being abused, and your DC are not going to want to spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty that you don't have a good life. My mum was a SAHM to 4 dc and we never respected her enough, my dad doesn't respect her and we learned that from him unfortunately and I feel sad for her that she never gives the impression she chose any of it - pushed into a caring role, pushed into caring for gdc, not respected for that either. Don't let that happen to you.

NavyandWhite · 05/12/2016 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 10:31

you can get help and plan for managing the change with your autistic child - post on the SN boards. I've personally got 2 family members on the autistic spectrum and they've certainly weathered marriage breakdowns and moving. I know there are hurdles and you want your DH to suddenly snap out of it but there doesn't seem to be a realistic prospect of that.

Castleheights · 05/12/2016 10:32

Your not so "d"h cannot "take your ds from you". As parents you can split 50/50 care at best.
I wonder how much play time your dh could factor into school run, homework, meal times and bedtime on a 50/50 split basis? Your son would see fairly quickly what his dad was like when faced with the reality of parenting. Not just the fun stuff.
As for the older children they probably already know what their is like, teens aren't stupid.
It's very complicated and emotionally exhausting untangling a married life but if you are determined you can make a new life for yourself and your children where you can make the decisions the that you want and deserve.

Original poster
User13647345 · 05/12/2016 10:34

Thankyou, a lot like Christmas 16, I have to out now,always running around after some one...I will come back to this....to be honest, I expected to be told to get a fucking grip.ofcourse it's not abusive,it's normal get on with it.....this sounds rediculous,but with 6 people in a house and only me washing up...I told him last week"if you really loved me ,you would of bought me a dishwasher" I was washup constantly it makes me so unhappy......I wasn't joking....his reply..."if you loved me you wouldn't of got so fat"he wasn't joking either...I'm a size 18

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