Am I in an abusive relationship,

[User13647345]

Or is it normal,for your husband to tell you to fuck of and never offer him a lift to the station again.when your trying to save him a half hour walk at 7 am....is it normal,for your husband to marry you when he dosnt want to?...he's smiling in the photos...but has since said he didn't want to get married..we had 4 kids and it was important to me,we'd been together a long time.i guess he just went along with it...he only talks to me when he's talking about himself.or his job,not interested otherwise..he ignored me most of the weekend,playing on a games console with the youngest...I have sex knowing he will be in a good mood for a few days,the good mood is lasting a shorter time...he had an affair a few yrs back.as a SAHM I had no choice but to take him back.his moods are awful.i spend far to long wondering what's caused the mood this time...he complains I don't wash the pots properly,but I'm not allowed a dishwasher..I don't keep the house clean enough for him.he walks around like he's stepping on dog poo,like the house is filthy and it's beneath him...no one else lifts a finger to help,i clear up after 3 adult kids and a child.he won't make them help me....I think he actually hates me😰😪...

It's time to put your own and your Kids happiness first.
Letting them grow up in an unhappy home is not putting them first.
It's teaching them a man is more important.

You may feel you're upsetting everyone but if you leave (or kick him out) when the dust settles you are setting an example. You are being a strong role model showing your DC what boundaries are in relationships, how to enforce them, how to live independently without an abusive man.

This man has made it his business to diminish you and make you believe you are nothing without him. It's a lie! You know that, you remember who you were before him.

Anticipate the kids might not be happy and be the nurturing, loving parent they need, even if you need to be honest with them about what your marriage has been like for you.

How could the future be any worse without him? You'll have a better life, less money perhaps but you won't be coerced into sex, you could have a job you love, friends, a social life when the kids are at his, most of all.....he wouldn't be there.

You don't need to know how it'll all pan out at the start, if you take the first step and DECIDE to split with him, each step on the way will become obvious as you go along.

Sounds like bad self help, I know, but it's my experience so far. Please don't waste any more of your life thinking what this man has told you to think.

why do you need his permission to get a dishwasher? Why can he veto it? That's exactly what's wrong. If I said to DH I needed something like that he'd wondered why I hadn't ordered it already, we try not to veto anything that's really important to the other person. The weight comment is more evidence of him being demeaning, i'm probably a size 16, my DH tries to cook healthy food, supports me in going to the gym and otherwise tells me I look nice, I do the same for him. Also, your older DC treating you like a drudge is very dysfunctional, you should ask mumsnet what chores DCs they have their children doing at which ages. My mum stopped ironing for me when I was 12, for example.

I also think you've been brow beaten, the examples being why can't you make the kids help you and why can't you just buy a dishwasher, why is it up to him?

I also don't understand why you and the kids have to leave, he should be the one that leaves and yes he has to support his kids financially.

Personally I'd chuck him out, but we are all different. Could you get a job , maybe start to get some independence? And whilst you're looking create a rota of chores and get the kids to pull their weight.

Get online and order yourself a dishwasher ffs, he doesn't get to decide for you.
I have 4 children too so I know the washing up really piles up. Stop asking his permission, who are supposed to be his equal.

op I would also get a job, even if only PT at first - i know you have mentioned your autistic child, but again from experience and the SN board, that should not be a reason why you can't find something you like, pt. Since you have experience with SN children, perhaps that is an obvious future career option for you to think about?