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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stupid husband

70 replies

Rowena4444 · 04/12/2016 23:51

Hi everyone, just need to know if IBU or not. I'm Feeling pretty pissed off after finding out that the source of My DS's (10) terrible nightmares & refusal to sleep a few weeks ago was due to DH letting him watch "IT" without my knowledge or consent 😡 & when did he finally decide to confess the truth to me? During his best man speech on Thursday. Hes such an idiot. I'm so cross as we'd talked about it beforehand & I said that absolutely not is he to watch that film. DS seems ok now, fingers crossed. I've told DH before, He is 10! Not 16!!? I think he feels like he's older than he is. Think he's learnt his lesson though. I'm more pissed off that he's kept it a secret & got DS to keep it secret & lie to me as well. Not impressed with that at all. Like I'm the bad guy & im unreasonable & he's the cool fun guy letting him watch stuff behind my back. That's not cool. Feel pretty upset tbh, & deffo said lots of "I told you so's". Nightmare duty at 1,2,3 am is firmly his territory now. I'm having none of it. AIBU?

OP posts:

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 16:29

The trouble with these situations is that a child cannot "unsee" this thing - it is stuck in his brain now. Personally I would have words - very strong ones - with OH. Give him hell!

littlesallyracket · 08/12/2016 16:39

He allowed your 10-year-old DS to watch an 18 film.

It's actually a 15, not an 18. Not that a 10-year-old should be watching it either way, but for the sake of proportion let's be accurate.

haystack10 · 08/12/2016 17:06

Oh and also, AskBasil, homeschooled autistic ds for 2 years when he'd been excluded from 3 different schools, no mainstream would take him and long waiting list for Special. Placed on "authorised absence". At the same time looking after dd and myself. Now that's what I call a real man! I feel sorry for any woman who finds a decent man but can't put up with a few stupid mistakes. Hope you find what you're looking for.

Scarydinosaurs · 08/12/2016 17:12

My little sister watched it when she was 10 and slept in my bed until she was about 13/14. It terrified her.

AskBasil · 08/12/2016 17:17

haystack, here you are describing an adult man, while telling other women that men are stupid children.

Which is it?

haystack10 · 08/12/2016 17:43

Rowena, yanbu but if you have a strong, loving marriage and dh is usually a good father, my advice would be make it clear you expect it never to happen again and move on. Marriage is never always a bed of roses is it? we've been to Relate a couple of times over the years, my dh has been a complete idiot at times and admits it but i'm not perfect, i've made mistakes as well. Not many though Hope you work it out and that ds is ok.

haystack10 · 08/12/2016 18:04

AskBasil, both. That's what I'm saying. It seems that decent strong mature responsible men can sometimes be idiots, boy-like, etc. Like that old saying "you need to get your man trained". I used to hate that saying. Saw Carol Vorderman about a year ago on tv, sent her dh to the supermarket to buy butternut squash. He phoned her saying he'd looked at every single squash, there was apricot, orange etc, but no butternut!! She said couldn't understand it, very intelligent man. Now isn't that childlike? This is what I'm on about.

AskBasil · 08/12/2016 18:11

No it isn't childlike, it's a strategy to avoid taking an equal share of childcare and domestic labour.

They don't do it in the workplace. They don't phone their boss and say they can't tell the difference between the hardcore and the other material for the job. Or between the blue bits or the green bits on the gant chart. Or if they happen to be chefs, between the different type of peppers they are supposed to use, or indeed, different squashes.

It's a technique men use to announce that this job, isn't their's. They're prepared to help you with it, but ultimately, it's not their responsibility, you own the task and they are only the helper. They don't do it in the workplace because to do so, means announcing that they never want promotion as they are unable to make decisions and own a task. They do it in the domestic sphere, in order to ensure they never take responsibility, it always rests with the woman they live with.

If you fall for it, more fool you. If you urge other women to put up with it, because men just can't help it, you are doing every other woman a disservice. It is not true that men can't help it. They can and they do. Women who have equal partners, live with men who do not do this because they've been called out on it and realised that they're doing it and it's out of order.

haystack10 · 08/12/2016 18:22

Ok sorry for smiling, but I used to think just like you, I've changed. My dh can't be doing it for your reasons because he does everything around the house as it is. At this very moment he's cooking dinner and I'm sitting here with my feet up so I'm not complaining.

mathanxiety · 09/12/2016 04:00

You surely realise that you have an incredibly rare man there, Haystack?

Can you put yourself in the shoes of the majority of women who carry both the physical and mental burden on their own when it comes to running the home?

To recount a complaint from another thread a man who was sent out to buy a chicken for that night's dinner by his wife, a few days post-CS, who had two sick children at home and a newborn who wasn't nursing successfully - he returned with a frozen chicken that couldn't possibly be thawed out in time to cook for the dinner. This is a capable professional, a leader in his field, unable to engage his brain when it comes to very simple domestic tasks and business related to the children.

I suspect a thread on the topic of 'men who are off with the fairies' would reach 1000 posts in about ten minutes.

mathanxiety · 09/12/2016 04:05

Men don't behave like guilty little boys in the workplace. They turn it on for the benefit of their wives and partners.

We've been socialised to roll our eyes and include them in the category of big overgrown children, to keep our expectations low. Yet they are perfectly capable of answering responsibly to superiors or being the superior in every single place they work.

blackheartsgirl · 09/12/2016 10:13

I agree mathanxiety. It's pretty tiring when the majority of men seem to be incapable of making even the most smallest of domestic desicions through stupidity or lack of common sense, I'm smarting because dp forgot I'd done a big shop yesterday and stole money from my purse and bought ready meals from the shop because there was nothing in for the kids tea ffs. There was loads in but he just can't be bothered

XiCi · 09/12/2016 10:32

Your DH is a disgrace. He will have known that film would have terrified your DS. It's almost sadistic to have made him watch it.

haystack10 · 09/12/2016 19:02

Mathanxiety yes dh is very special, I think that's why I put up with his stupid moments. But you know, I sometimes do daft things. It works both ways, but his are more frequent of course In the case that you recounted, if dh could have afforded it he would have ordered a takeaway. Not ideal I know, but ok for a one off. But I do understand what you're all saying and i know it can be bloody frustrating. I find it hard to believe it's so calculating though? My dh isn't deep at all, you get what you see. Apologies anyhow, if I have offended anyone in my posts but it was just my opinion.

AskBasil · 10/12/2016 12:16

I don't think it's consciously calculating, I think it's learned behaviour. To be fair, when you challenge some of the more superior men on it, they realise they're doing it, they feel embarrassed, they feel ashamed and they stop doing it. But most men will simply deny that they're doing it because they prefer to carry on and have someone else do the boring stuff.

ageingrunner · 10/12/2016 13:54

I've had a couple of men admit to me that it is calculating. They congratulated me on my cleverness at realising . Not men I was in a relationship though so no skin off their nose that I realised, unless I start telling lots of other women
They. Do. It. On. Purpose.

haystack10 · 10/12/2016 14:13

AskBasil, what do you mean by "more superior men"? Also, where is it "learned" from? I'm intrigued because I've been thinking a lot about this last few days and It's just hit me that although dh is doing most domestics, I think I'm sometimes running the household from my chair without realising it !! Dh is great, brings flowers, cooks most meals, empty bins, etc (all unasked) but the rest is requested by me even though it's just routine stuff that he knows needs doing yet waits to be asked. Think I've mellowed over age and what with ds difficulties, my illnesses and disabilities, etc, it's sort of been buried which is not a good thing. Eg: when we were younger and I was fit and able instead of just doing the dishes dh p
would ask "shall I do your dishes for you tonight" and I would answer "my dishes? don't you live here any more then?" He has to just get on with it nowadays because I can't do it. Now I'm annoyed with myself. So basically, I do have a great husband but he is doing what a lot of other men do and due to circumstances I've been enabling it! I've even just written "all unasked" as if he needs to be asked like a kid. Wtaf!!Thanks for reminding me of all this, I'm now enlighted again. I'm going to change back to how I used to be, I'm on a mission!! Sorry op, I'm talking all about myself on your thread. OMG, AskBasil and Mathanxiety, how has this happened? Omg, another lightbulb moment, it's because I'm so bloody grateful!! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm not joking, I'm off to start changing this right now. What an example to my kids! This mi

haystack10 · 10/12/2016 14:15

Posted too soon in my excitement. Was going to say this might even mean another visit to relate.

haystack10 · 10/12/2016 14:46

Ageingrunner, I'm gobsmacked ! Men have actually admitted it to you? Wta ! Hope op's ok, don't think she's posted lately. How f...ing annoying the whole thing is. Can't stop swearing, think I need to go for some therapy!

ageingrunner · 10/12/2016 16:10

Yes haystack. One was a boss who adopted an inept persona whenever he wanted something doing by the office "girls" 😳

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