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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL and SIL have just announced no gift exchange this year.

64 replies

ChristmasEvePJs · 04/12/2016 20:55

AIBU in thinking if you do not wish to exchange gifts (like we have always done) then you should bring it earlier in the year and not with three weeks to go until Christmas?

I genuinely do not mind they lack of gifts for our DC's, they get more than they need from us alone. However I do object to being told they do not want the gifts I have already purchased and wrapped for them both (pj's each from the white company, a candle, sweets they specifically like and a bottle of champagne) as they are not doing gifts this year and will not be accepting any either as they are saving to move house. If we do insist on giving them the gifts they intend to give them to the charity shop!

AIBU to feel put out? I haven't said a word and wouldn't but the DC's helped choose the gifts and we certainly don't give to receive, would it really hurt them to just swallow their pride and accept a gift from their niece and nephews?

OP posts:

Farmmummy · 04/12/2016 21:21

Hi Christmasevepjs we are receiving gifts oh well worth a try! Seriously though seems a bit odd at this stage

SmellyChristmasCandles · 04/12/2016 21:22

I agree. Fine if that's what they want/need to do, but not fair to announce so close to Christmas when many people would have already bought gifts. When we had to cut back on presents one year, we made sure we wrote to everyone well in advance explaining that we would be giving token gifts only. As it happened, all my family chose to give as usual anyway - most of them knew only too well how it feels to be in that situation. DHs family, who have always been quite comfortably off, chose not to give at all, not even a bag of chocolate buttons for the children.
My dad did this once, except that he didn't tell us until we saw him and his wife on Boxing Day. I wouldn't (and didn't) mind that he bought nothing, just felt it was a bit mean to wait until the day.

Cherryskypie · 04/12/2016 21:24

We spend over £100 on our nephew because we can. We've done it since long before we had DC. We buy his parents a £20 bottle of wine.

I'm not one of the 'Christmas is for children' people and I know lots of people love buying for adult family and friends but you don't need to match their gifts to your DC £ per head!

littlesallyracket · 04/12/2016 21:27

It is a bit late to decide they aren't doing gifts, yes.

You may be able to get the money back on the PJs rather than having to exchange them. Open the champagne for everyone on Christmas Day and save the candles either to give them as a housewarming gift when they move or to keep on standby for anyone who might require a birthday/get well/congratulations type gift this year.

allowlsthinkalot · 04/12/2016 21:34

I wouldn't think anyone would have bought gifts yet tbh and in fact said "no presents" to some friends just this week! We already only do Children's presents within the family.

You can take those things back, I don't see what the big deal is.

ClashCityRocker · 04/12/2016 21:35

Yeah I think it's a bit late, I'd be pretty gutted if my sil informed me that she didn't want the presents I'd bought her, especially as she knows I like to get it done early!

But it doesn't sound like she's done it maliciously. Does she know you've already bought the gifts?

gillybeanz · 04/12/2016 21:40

I don't get that it's too late either.
just give their presents to somebody else, it's weeks off yet.

Cornishclio · 04/12/2016 21:42

It is a bit late. My sister and I agreed at beginning of November not to do gifts for each others family but if your SIL and BIL spend that much on your DC I can see why they might want to stop or at least cut back. Exchange the gifts or use them yourself and next year check before buying.

OhTheRoses · 04/12/2016 21:42

£212 on them and £350 on your DC . I must be getting old. Take the jamas back, drink the champagne, give the candle and sweets which should always have been enough.

littlesallyracket · 04/12/2016 21:44

not everyone is so Christmas obsessed ( especially with no dc) to do anything to do with Xmas before 1st December is a bit wrong in my book

People don't necessarily shop early because they are 'Christmas obsessed'- it's more likely for practical reasons or just personal preference for what they find the least stressful. Some people find it financially easier to spread the cost of shopping over a few months, for example, or have social or work stuff to do in December, or don't like doing everything in one go, or quite simply hate shopping when the shops are so crowded.

EweAreHere · 04/12/2016 21:44

Return the gifts.

Yes, they were ridiculous to have waited so long to tell you, and only after you mentioned sending the gifts down, but it is what it is.

LellyMcKelly · 04/12/2016 21:44

It's a shame they left it so late - though I'm guessing they wouldn't have done if they weren't completely skint. We gave up on family gifts years ago and now do Secret Santa with a budget of £20.

FannyWincham · 04/12/2016 21:47

not everyone is so Christmas obsessed ( especially with no dc) to do anything to do with Xmas before 1st December is a bit wrong in my book.

I wouldn't think anyone would have bought gifts yet tbh and in fact said "no presents" to some friends just this week!

You really can't grasp that many people buy gifts earlier in the year when they are reduced in the sales, or in order to spread the cost?

I haven't bought a single gift yet but I know that SIL and MIL start in September, so these conversations have to happen early.

Artandco · 04/12/2016 21:55

I don't understand the spread the cost. Surley it makes no difference if you spend £10 a month for 10 months, or just £100 at once. Your more likely to overbuy and spend more by buying so early

girlelephant · 04/12/2016 21:57

Oooh the White Company Pomegranate candle is fabulous, definitely keep that for yourself!

GraceNotes · 04/12/2016 22:12

What Torrooco said.
Return pyjamas and give other gifts as house-warming presents.

Usually people announce the 'no gift exchange' rule because money is tight and they don't want to spend loads on gifts (we've done this too). Usually they would not mind accepting gifts, although may be a little embarrassed about it if they can't give any to you. Yes, it's very inconvenient that they have done this so close to Xmas.

When I read your post I got the impression that you are a bit gutted you are not going to get any presents from them, after you've spent a lot of money on them. You seem to resent the money you've now spent. I don't buy gifts for people to get gifts back - I only give gifts to people I really care about. So, if I'd spent a lot of money on someone and they turned around and said they can't afford to reciprocate, I'd still be happy to give the gifts, knowing I was giving them some happiness (hopefully).

If you don't care enough or feel close enough to these relatives to give without any expectations, then it's probably best to end the gift-giving altogether. Their timing was bad, but I personaly don't think you are not close enough to these people to be exchanging such expensive gifts.

humphreyandlinnea · 04/12/2016 22:15

It's difficult to come down hard on them when they are usually so generous. They do sound like lovely people to go out of their way for your kids so much.

I would give them a free pass on this as a result.

humphreyandlinnea · 04/12/2016 22:16

grace The OP has already said that she never receives a gift from these people and doesn't mind her children not getting gifts from them because they get enough. When I read your post, it sounded like you didn't believe her

SouthofMaui · 04/12/2016 22:19

Terrible timing, YANBU.

Unlike some posters, December is far too late to go present shopping for me! So many reasons: I want everything to be bought before pay-day at the end of November (and not on December pay, because it means a miserable January). If you wait last minute, many items are sold out, or won't be delivered on time. I have presents to send abroad, and there are always delays.

I enjoy December and the build up to Christmas when we decorate the house, do Christmas crafts with the kids, as opposed to run around busy shops, or even spending hours on line. By the 1st of December, presents have been bought, wrapped so we can concentrate on school fairs, parties and all Christmas activities.

Lynnm63 · 04/12/2016 22:29

It would boil my piss too. My bil and sil had kids but we didn't. I bought lovely, thoughtful gifts every year Christmas and birthdays until they were 18. My ds1 was born when their youngest was 18. Our DC got half decent presents for a couple of years then age 4 he got a 99p pack of Mars bars. He was quite chuffed as he likes Mars Bars, me less chuffed. The last few years they get all DC's nothing. Bil and sil are fucking loaded.

DeadGood · 04/12/2016 22:48

"THats a lot of money on gifts. Seems like they realised everyone has such high expectations it was better to say no gifts. Pjs, candles, champagne and sweets does seem completely ott."

This

GlitterNails · 05/12/2016 13:28

I buy presents throughout the year. Just because some leave it until December, doesn't mean everyone does. I often don't have receipts and the ability to take it back, and shop carefully to get good deals, or things I know someone will like.

Would be livid if someone announced in December no gifts.

Original poster

ChristmasEvePJs · 05/12/2016 17:05

*as they are not doing gifts this year and will not be accepting any either as they are saving to move house. If we do insist on giving them the gifts they intend to give them to the charity shop!

Grace you either can't read or feel the need to project your own feelings.

Thanks for the input everyone. The candle is lit and the PJ's will be exchanged at the weekend. I would have happily still given the gifts, I really do mean that, but not to go to the charity shop .

OP posts:

specialsubject · 05/12/2016 17:23

if you are having to spread the cost or work round payday, I'm afraid you are spending too much and a cease-fire is long overdue.

I don't feel even vaguely interested in winter lights until mid-December, still way too early for me. But as so many are pressured by the start--in-September nonsense, it is best to declare 'no smelly crap' in about July if not before.

let's all do it for next year; nothing for adults. Think how much packaging, fuel and landfill would be saved!

Original poster

ChristmasEvePJs · 05/12/2016 17:31

if you are having to spread the cost or work round payday, I'm afraid you are spending too much and a cease-fire is long overdue. At no point did I say this was the case. I like to have gifts purchased and wrapped before December arrives as it is a really busy month with work, extra things for DC's and parties etc.

OP posts:

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