Aibu to think I can fake "normal for the rest of my life"?

[lookaroundandsmile]

I feel like I spend my whole life faking normal !

Things like I am totally obsessed with the fact there is something wrong with my youngest dd to the point i actually sit and stare at her skin to see if a rash comes out

Or today for example I was talking to my husband while he was doing DIY and had to carry on the conversation while all the while having the image in my head of picking up the drill and sticking it my stomach in my head.

A few years ago I went through a phase of seriously believing that I couldn't move my head too fast without breaking my neck but I managed to carry on through it without breathing a word to a soul.

I have never been able to hold down a job, thank god dh is ok with me being a sahm.

I have to go to bed as soon as the kids have I go upstairs at 7pm and lie in bed until morning. I don't know why I have for years. Luckily dh works late and when he doesn't he has evening hobbies anyway so it doesn't matter.

I have to take painkillers some days as I have tics which cause me pain .

I have always managed to get on in my own way, our house is well cared for our children are happy and healthy , I have a happy marriage.

However, I am never sure if the things I think are real or not or if I am in a mood swing or just imoagining things.

I have been to the doctor a few years ago when things got so bad I was scratching my skin so badly I was bleeding (not on purpose I didn't realise). I was given fluoxetine whichbhelped.

At a recent appointment about something else he said I should stop taking them in the new year s that issue has resolved.

I know I am faking being ok but I don't want to rock the boat because despite this I am actually happy with life. I don't want to spoil it.

So aibu to think I can keep it up for the rest of my life. I am 33 now.

The reason I am wondering is I saw someone I know fall apart in s spectacular way recently and I'm scared that this is what they thought until it all came crumbling down.

So would OCD cause all of the issues? Or just the thoughts? I have never though if OCD before I always imagined that being more like washing your hands obsessively etc

Hi, OP. The thoughts are really bad, aren't they? You're not alone, I have had them for years. Counselling and sertraline treated me, those thoughts are the products of OCD. I really hope you can talk to the doctor and see a psychologist privately if you can afford it (long wait for NHS). It can be sorted, promise.

That sounds utterly miserable.

Why would you want to struggle on alone when you don't have to?

Tbh the thoughts are annoying but I just get on through them. The things which are really worrying me are the mood changes and tics see that's my issue in actually talking about this - even I can't pinpoint the problems!

Manu - really it's just that I can't seem to explain it and I'm afraid of being told I'm being stupid and over dramatic.

It sounds like hell. You deserve better and so do your children and husband. Please talk to your GP.

Ii have been to my gp a lot with my dd (convinced she was ill) that I'm pretty sure he thinks I make stuff up anyway .

Psychologist can know what the problems are and help you to find out. You don't need to worry about that bit :)

The way you explained it here would be clear enough to merit a referral and get you some help

OP. You really need a medical diagnosis.

I don't think OCD comes and goes like you describe. Best see someone. The very first post by zoflo hits the nail on the head i think.

I was diagnosed with OCD - intrusive obsessive thoughts, magical/ritualised thinking & some compulsions but none of the 'classic' OCD type behaviours. This was after years of 'just being anxious'.

Much of what you say sounds familiar. Honestly it was a relief to be diagnosed & to be able to admit quite how ill I was - I was pretty much coping but so close to it all collapsing & living in a state of constant fear just sucks.

I'll be medicated forever & that's fine - I'm 90% normal now - always very protective of my health though, if I go into a tailspin it can take months to stabilise.

Hi, I have OCD and it presents exactly as you describe. Intrusive thoughts and everything. Sertraline has given me my life back.

Tics as mentioned are classic signs of Tourette's can you control them?

Lady - no I can't. Its things like tensing my throats and chest (so forcing my breath out of that makes sense). Also a weird throat noise. God I sound like a freak here. My dh has noticed the noise but nothing else. I get a lot of throat pain and chest muscle pain.

Should add had the same since childhood not the same tics but various ones changing over time.

*Or today for example I was talking to my husband while he was doing DIY and had to carry on the conversation while all the while having the image in my head of picking up the drill and sticking it my stomach in my head.

A few years ago I went through a phase of seriously believing that I couldn't move my head too fast without breaking my neck but I managed to carry on through it without breathing a word to a soul.*

I have OCD and my symptoms are a lot like that. Weirdly, drills feature very heavily in my intrusive thoughts too. Also nail-guns.

At one time, I used to end up in tears several times a day because I was convinced my DP would be murdered or die in a car accident when he was out without me. I also had to look at my Kindle repeatedly to check that it wasn't showing a particular screensaver which for some reason I deemed dangerous, and was convinced that something terrible would happen if I drank a cup of tea out of two particular cups (which were outwardly identical to four other cups except they had a very slightly different glaze inside at the bottom, so if someone else made the tea I didn't know I'd drunk from the wrong cup until I'd finished; disastrous).

Like you, I also had some days when I was much better that others.

The good news is that with a combination of medication and CBT, I'm a million times better now than I was. I still have intrusive thoughts but the therapist really helped me learn how to manage them and cope with them and they have massively reduced.

Please do think about seeing your GP. What you're going through is just exhausting, apart from anything else, and you deserve better than this.

If you're already on medication then it might be that the type or dose needs to be reviewed, but medication alone might not be enough; your GP can advise about the possibility of referring you to a therapist.

symptoms (thoughts & behaviours) definitely fluctuate in severity and change in focus. I've had quite long periods of being absolutely fine but recognise that I had symptoms beginning in adolescence. It has got worse with age - I think because have have so many more demands & responsibilities - that's common with OCD.

Whatever 'it' is though ... it doesn't have to control you, you can get relief.

Also I have 6 children one of whom is home educated I do 99 % of childcare. I am kind of afraid that if I go to my gp and say all of this I will be questioned as to whether or not o am ok to do this. My gp already repeatedly asks me if "things are ok at home". (They are)

Go see help OP.

Although this isn't exactly the same, I am absolutely terrified of mirrors because I keep thinking that I'll see someone behind me. I hate airports which have a long row of sinks with mirrors.

Hi OP. I suffer from tics also which vary in intensity over time, I need painkillers because the tensing gives me jaw/headaches. I also have the throat noise.
My DC have ASD and their consultant said that he thinks I have it. I also have suffered from intrusive thought, usually relating to health, dying, something being wrong with my children, burglaries etc. They are often irrational. I don't know whether I suffer from
Aspergers or OCD I can't work it out. You sound very similar to me, and I imagine an appointment with your GP would be helpful, I just wish I could take my own advice!

I had lots of weird physical things - not being able to swallow/being sick was the worst & longest lasting.

I was diagnosed when my youngest was just a baby - I had four kids, one a baby, one disabled, three home educated. The children were fine, I was tormented, my GP was great. It really is worth seeing someone.

Enter my 6 year old is currently suspected of being autistic we have just started the process i of assesments etc - I don't know much about it at the moment though .

I'm not an expert but I certainly think you may have OCD. I say this from experience. There may be other things going on, but I would say that diagnosis would be likely.

Go to your GP with a print out of your post. If getting nowhere Google IAPT where you live, it's the primary NHS mental health service, there should be one for your area. Usually you're allowed to self refer. If all else fails maybe switch GPs.

Please don't continue to live this half life. You deserve so much better

I suffer from anxiety and it can be a bit like the sort of thoughts you describe. Do see your doctor and get help. Therapies can help you deal with it and stop things from getting worse.

All the best!

Through looking into it OP, OCD and ASD share traits in common, I have 3 children, youngest 2 have high functioning ASD and my eldest was assessed for ASD after his school thought he had it, and was said to maybe have OCD that can be looked into when older but I'm not convinced it isn't ASD. My tics and thoughts get worse when anxious and can be quite disabling whereas at the moment they are mild as I feel relaxed. I am also a massive over thinker and analyse everything! It's exhausting!
I think if you go to your GP and tell him your worries that it will help massively, just knowing why you are the way you are would help.
My partner has OCD but has very different symptoms, mainly classic cleaning, tapping, rituals etc.