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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend doesn't look at me when she talks to me

34 replies

SaltySeaDogs · 04/12/2016 16:53

IF we're eg chatting in a three, she mainly looks at other mutual friend and occasionally glances back at me. I don't get it?

OP posts:
Original poster
SaltySeaDogs · 04/12/2016 17:05

Bump - just wondering if anyone has had similar. It's a recent thing.

OP posts:
Evergreen17 · 04/12/2016 17:08

Autism?

mumoftwo1975 · 04/12/2016 17:14

Sadly I have a friend whose just the same. It's a 3 thing Im afraid. My friend will ensure she always says "me and other friends name" at least 3 times in any short conversation just to press the point that they did something together. Used to rub me up the wrong way too. Itd often leave me feeling left out or jealous I guess. I've moved on now. So my feeling is YANBU 💞

glamorousgrandmother · 04/12/2016 17:24

Does she wear glasses? I find it difficult to focus on people's faces if they are slightly too close and am aware that I keep glancing away.

Katy07 · 04/12/2016 17:28

I have to make a physical effort to look at a third (or more) person but then I'm autistic so maybe Evergreen is right.

MissMargie · 04/12/2016 17:34

I think when people do this it is because they have admiration for one person (the one they make eye contact with ) that they don't have with the other.
I had found myself doing this when I was younger ( I prob do it now a bit unconsciously, you just connect better with some people than others). I just 'liked' the person a lot, she was someone I'd have loved as a bestest friend but it didn't happen. The other person I liked but with hindsight should have spent time getting to know better, instead of wasting time on someone not so interested in Me.

IAmNotACat · 04/12/2016 17:54

Could be a number of things.

Do you participate in the conversation as much as she and the mutual friend? It can be hard in a group of 3 if one person isn't really saying very much.

Is she closer to the mutual friend than she is to you?

Do you make eye contact with both of them?

AllPartOfThePlan · 04/12/2016 17:59

ADHD? Autism? Sensory processing issues? Sight or hearing problems? Could be one of 100 things. I tend to not make I contact with people when I'm talking to them, I certainly don't mean any disrespect or rudeness Byatt, I just have issues that make it harder. If I make I contact with someone when I'm talking to them I completely lose what I'm saying and start focusing on ridiculous things like how many freckles they have or if their mascara is clumpy or which celebrity or animal they look like. 🙄 Trust me, our conversation will be a lot better if I look around when I talk!! 😂

Original poster
SaltySeaDogs · 04/12/2016 18:34

I make eye contact a lot and am v chatty. I also make a conscious effort to look at both of them... oh well!

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 04/12/2016 18:41

I have a friend who does exactly the opposite, I find it unnerving.

SpookyPotato · 04/12/2016 18:45

I think most people have to remember to keep looking at everyone they're talking to, it's so easy and the default to focus on one person. I think if everything else is good with her then I doubt it means anything.

HazelnutCoffeeandMincePies · 05/12/2016 12:17

As someone who suffers from depression, I find it difficult to look people in the eyes when talking but sometimes find particular people easier to look at, for no particular reason.

BorpBorpBorp · 05/12/2016 12:18

When she's talking to mutual friend, is she looking at mutual friend or looking at you and glancing at mutual friend?

Mynestisfullofempty · 05/12/2016 12:22

This thread title reminded me of the people who close their eyes completely when they're speaking. Does anyone here do that? If so, why?

QueenMortificado · 05/12/2016 12:24

I have a friend who looks only at reflections of herself when talking to anyone else

It drives me mad. Next to a mirror, window, anything she can see herself in she tosses her hair and flicks her head and pouts at herself while talking. I asked her what she was looking at once and she genuinely had no idea what I was talking about.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/12/2016 12:28

I do not look at people either. not noticed until recently. it hurts to look at people. ds is autistic. there is a genetic link to autism so...

MangoBiscuit · 05/12/2016 12:28

I have a good friend who tends to avoid eye contact when talking to me. If we are in a group of three, she will look at the other when I talk, and me when the other talks. However, when the other talks, I'm looking at them, so it can look like she's just avoiding looking at me! I know she's not, it's just that she has autistic traits (her words). Could it be something like that OP?

JungleInTheRumble · 05/12/2016 12:32

Some people seem to find it hard to focus on more than one person at a time. I've been both the one focused on and the one ignored. It doesn't bother me that much but it really shuts down conversation.

The one time it did really bother me was when I was chatting in a three and one of the women stared at me for the whole time. It didn't matter whether I was talking, she was talking or the third person was talking. It was very disconcerting and the impression that I got was her and the third person were on the same side and I was being grilled by them!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/12/2016 12:33

Argh sorry but this is me, I have a real hard time maintaining eye contact, I think mine stems from a lack of confidence and being bullied when younger - as in I noticed if I kept my head down and blended in/didn't make eye contact I didn't draw attention to myself and thus get bullied. I really do try to fight this because I am conscious that it comes across as rude/odd but it's hard to undo.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 05/12/2016 12:33

I find it difficult to make eye contact, unless I'm at work. Even then, it's a struggle, but I'm trying to be professional and give that person my full focus so they know I'm looking after them.

I do have sensory/hearing issues (hyperacusis), but I've never attributed my dislike of eye contact to it. Maybe there's something in that.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 05/12/2016 12:59

I also have issues in making eye contact, but I'm better than I used to be.

Oddly, I can maintain eye contact better with brown eyed people than blue or grey eyed people and I have no idea why. Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 05/12/2016 13:01

Oh gosh I used to be like this as a teen, I would not look people in the eye, as I found it really hard and uncomfortable. This has improved as I have become older, but it still is hard. My dd 9 who has ASD, does not look people in the eye.

CaraAspen · 05/12/2016 13:02

What about green eyed people?

CaraAspen · 05/12/2016 13:03

@RaspberryOverloadTheFirst

SpookyPotato · 05/12/2016 13:07

raspberry Maybe because blue eyes are so piercing Grin I always feel like they are looking into my soul!