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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to be torn about this..?

49 replies

daddyorscience · 04/12/2016 16:03

Canned summary: ex threw a big party for DD (7), lots of guests (all "being a pressie", which I don't agree with), loud venue, lots of food etc.

No problem there, except the kids spent a fair bit of time outside with me because they were overwhelmed, and it was too hectic/noisy for them. Me too, TBQH.

However, all good. After, I got "since this has cost me £xxx, I'd appreciate a donation", which rather leaves me torn. It was a birthday, they're mine too, but none of this was run by me, or in any way involved me... So there's a part of me shouting "WTF?"..

OP posts:
user1471449040 · 04/12/2016 16:04

bump

WouldHave · 04/12/2016 16:05

Presumably you would have agreed to some sort of party? Maybe contribute a reasonable proportion of what that would have cost?

pullingmyhairout1 · 04/12/2016 16:06

If he didn't ask you before the party to contribute I'd be tempted to say 'no'.

OhSuckItUpDucky · 04/12/2016 16:06

You don't want to contribute to your child's birthday party ?

Gizlotsmum · 04/12/2016 16:06

If he wanted a donation he should have asked before organising everything...

ShadowMane · 04/12/2016 16:07

he arranged it before asking for a 'donation' tough

tinyterrors · 04/12/2016 16:08

If he organised it all himself without asking your opinion I'd tell him to jog on. It was his choice to blow so much on a birthday party so he can pay for all of it.

Original poster
daddyorscience · 04/12/2016 16:10

Aha. I am the "he". That's what I say, I'm torn. Good party, but they were 50/50 on it themselves (kids), and at no point was I in any way involved apart from attending. I'd never ask her to contribute to something I organise for them, and we've up to now always had seperate celebrations anyway, depending on where the kids are at the time.

OP posts:
tinyterrors · 04/12/2016 16:11

It's not about contributing to your own child's party, it's about one parent organising an expensive party off their own back and expecting the other parent to pay a chunk of it after the fact.

Original poster
daddyorscience · 04/12/2016 16:12

Tiny terror, that's it exactly.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddyorscience · 04/12/2016 16:13

Sorry, that autocorrected.. On my phone..Hmm

OP posts:
tinyterrors · 04/12/2016 16:13

Doesn't matter which parent you are op my opinion still stands. You shouldn't have to pay for part of the party if you weren't given any input or asked about contributing beforehand.

Just because it's your child's other parent it doesn't mean they can spend your money for you.

Crisscrosscranky · 04/12/2016 16:15

I wish you hadn't said you were the he so early on. MN has been very anti-men the last 48 hours more so than usual and it could have been interesting.

FWIW I'd offer to throw next year's party.

Summerisdone · 04/12/2016 16:18

If she had said before hand 'DD wants a party for her birthday but I can't afford it all myself, would you be able to contribute with money and planning?'; then that is fair enough, but she cannot expect to ask you for money after the event without you having a say in anything leading up

OhSuckItUpDucky · 04/12/2016 16:18

If you've always had separate celebrations then that's different , no I wouldn't pay

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 04/12/2016 16:20

She should have asked before she organised anything if you could contribute. It's rude to ask someone afterwards as it impacts on their budgets for the month, if you'd have known earlier you could have put some money a side to give her.

Original poster
daddyorscience · 04/12/2016 16:21

I'm used to being in the wrong, I am man. Grin this is why I decided to ask for an independent, and unbiased opinion. OK, I'm cracking up a bit there.Grin

OP posts:
MrsVioletBottom · 04/12/2016 16:23

I do not think you should contribute. She planned and organised the party, with not consultation, or indeed input from you. Her call, she should pay. Next year, you do the planning and organising. Seems fair to me.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/12/2016 16:25

I don't get the 'being a pressie'?

This party was her present for her daughter?

NoSunNoMoon · 04/12/2016 16:26

I don't think you should pay her. If she wanted money she should have asked before she planned it. Cheeky mare.

littlesallyracket · 04/12/2016 16:27

If she wanted you to pay she should have asked in advance and agreed with you what sort of party it would be - especially if you don't usually do joint celebrations. YANBU to object to being asked to pay up now!

littlesallyracket · 04/12/2016 16:30

I don't get the 'being a pressie'?

I thought that was just a typo for 'bring a pressie', ie all the millions of guests have to bring a gift because they're invited to the party, even if they wouldn't usually buy her anything.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/12/2016 16:33

Nope. If he who pays the piper calls the tune, then he who called the tune pays the piper. If she made all the choices as to where, when, what food etc. then it is her party and she pays. If she had asked before it was held, and you had had some say in it, then a sharing of the costs would have been appropriate.

But then of course, you might have balked at the cost and suggested something cheaper/smaller etc. I'm guessing she didn't consult because she wanted her choices to stand. So she pays, not you.

ShadowMane · 04/12/2016 16:34

dont care if you are he or she.... - you dont spend other peoples money!

Halloweensnake · 04/12/2016 16:35

its cost a lot of money,I think a goodwill gesture is in order

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