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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to be torn about this..?

49 replies

daddyorscience · 04/12/2016 16:03

Canned summary: ex threw a big party for DD (7), lots of guests (all "being a pressie", which I don't agree with), loud venue, lots of food etc.

No problem there, except the kids spent a fair bit of time outside with me because they were overwhelmed, and it was too hectic/noisy for them. Me too, TBQH.

However, all good. After, I got "since this has cost me £xxx, I'd appreciate a donation", which rather leaves me torn. It was a birthday, they're mine too, but none of this was run by me, or in any way involved me... So there's a part of me shouting "WTF?"..

OP posts:

Helsinkimorning · 04/12/2016 16:35

Nope don't you pass over a penny. Or next year the bill will be double.

OohhThatsMe · 04/12/2016 16:36

No, she doesn't have the right to ask for money after the event. It sounds as though this was planned without the children's involvement, too, if she organised something they weren't happy with.

If she'd said something in advance, you'd have the right to agree or not, and then she could make final plans.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 16:37

'It was your decision to spend £xxx and as I was not at all consulted, I won't be giving a 'donation'. It would have been nice to be consulted and agree upon something together and split the cost. Perhaps in the future.'

diddl · 04/12/2016 16:41

I do think that they should have asked first.

If you usually do seperate celebrations, why did it change this year?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/12/2016 16:44

No, don't give her any money. If she wants to do a 'shared cost' party, she needs to ask beforehand and you both need to make decisions about it. Cheeky cow.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 04/12/2016 17:00

YANBU, you don't owe her anything. It's not acceptable to organise something massively expensive and THEN ask for cash. Fine, if she'd asked beforehand and you'd agreed, but not ok to ask after the fact.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/12/2016 17:12

If she couldn't afford the big do then why wait until after to ask you for money rather than asking a big favour before hand? Not that your obliged either way. As pp said, it was her thing she should have budgeted. I just can't get my head around her actions.

gleam · 04/12/2016 17:35

Give her 50p.

annoyedofnorwich · 04/12/2016 18:01

No it's not reasonable to ask you to pay after the event. Maybe suggest you organise and pay for it next year and take it in turns after that?

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2016 18:14

Errm. Why shouldn't he contribute something? A reasonable amount that is relative to the type of party you'd have thrown yourself (and explain clearly that unless you we consulted beforehand next year you won't contribute then) . Either that or I'll foot the bill for next years with no complaints. They are both parents and kids want birthday parties. Simply refusing to contribute at all makes you look pretty selfish imo...

honeylulu · 04/12/2016 18:18

No. You weren't asked in advance. Tell her you will do next year's party (at your own expense). Then do it; invite her; do not expect a contribution. Keeps the boundaries nice and clear.

HairyScaryMonster · 04/12/2016 18:56

I guess that's why she's asked for a donation rather than demanded 'your share'. Did you organise your own party? Would you have if she hadn't done a big bash? If you're feeling generous, do it. If not or the relationship isn't good, don't. Your choice.

OohhThatsMe · 04/12/2016 18:59

Did she include you in the planning? Did you get to invite anyone or make a decision about what kind of party it was?

PenguinsandPebbles · 04/12/2016 19:04

Not for you to contribute here OP.

You normally do separate things, I'm guessing that means you may have already organised something else or did something else anyway.

Agree with someone else you don't spend someone else's money and you don't ask for a contribution after the event.

CanuckBC · 04/12/2016 19:15

Back in the day when my ex and I were on better terms we would party share for our children. I would put the part on and that would entail paying for the lions share. I would have him pick up the cake and pizza which he would then pay for or similar. He was aware before hand he would be paying for something although no where near the amount I was. He was bitter over a lot of things. I did make more money then him and it was what it was.

In your situation, I wouldn't pay. She decided to do what she wanted to do. If you want to make token donation do so but I would tell her in the future if she wants money, it needs to be discussed before the event. It sounds like a cluster as kids like basic stuff that include games etc that are planned out. It depends on the age what they will enjoy. If they were outside of the event more than inside that says a lot.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 19:34

She hasn't demanded a contribution, she has asked politely. Is your relationship with her usually reasonable? If so, I would contribute. It's your DC too and you did attend the party. If she is usually unreasonable about finances I would politely decline.

Arfarfanarf · 04/12/2016 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katy07 · 04/12/2016 20:59

If you weren't asked before the party then you're not obliged to pay because you had no input. If you haven't organised a separate party yourself then you might feel like offering to pay a similar amount as you would have otherwise spent, but that's your choice, not hers. I'm always of the opinion that 'them as asks, don't get'.

BusterGonad · 05/12/2016 04:42

I would say if you are separated and both parent separately and she didn't involve you in the party planning etc then she shouldn't be asking you for any thing at all. I'm with the others thinking she's a cheeky mare. My son hates loud party's, and I'm totally in agreement that loud brash party's (imo) are a no.

OzzieFem · 05/12/2016 07:22

Sounds like the party was more for the mothers prestige than for the kids! No, I would not pay as you were not consulted on any aspect, or received a request for financial assistance pre party.

Agree with other pp, tell ex you will organize and pay for next years instead. Maybe then your kids will have a party they enjoy more.

YouTheCat · 05/12/2016 07:37

I think it depends on how much she's after and what you'd normally pay out for your child's party.

TheNaze73 · 05/12/2016 08:43

Your ex sounds like a nightmare OP.

This was more about her showboating by the sounds of it. I would naturally expect to pay however, I would have expected the agreement to have been made prior to the party

ItWentInMyEye · 05/12/2016 09:18

You shouldn't pay, she should have asked for your input -financial or otherwise- at the start of planning. Tell her you weren't aware she expected a contribution and so you'll do all the planning and paying next year to suit your budget and choices.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/12/2016 09:23

This was a discussion that she should have had beforehand.

If you can't afford to pay or don't want to otherwise pay then it is ok to say no to her. In fact even if you decide to make a contribution I would make it on the basis that you will not be contributing to future parties, school trips, events without a discussion and agreement beforehand.

Did you buy your DD a separate present too? After all you may have spent less if you knew you were going to have to stump up for the party too.

It is unreasonable of the ex to expect an unagreed payment afterwards but think how it may affect future relationships if you don't. If you do set boundaries for the future.

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