At a relative's house today. Beautiful, beautiful house. Really cosy and pleasant and lovely, in a nice area. Everything family orientated- a park, schools nearby. They have two children, a boy and a girl. A cat and a dog. Handprint pictures on the walls, a playroom, gorgeous kitchen with a special little craft area for the kids. Wedding photos on the walls, lovely kitchen ware that people bought them for their engagement party. Both working in really fulfilling, vocational jobs- she does part time so no childcare fees and loads of family time. They are a lovely, lovely family, and I love them dearly
I just came away feeling jealous and horrible. DH and I met as students and our one DC was a surprise half way through uni. Very little celebration from our extended families who were not happy that we decided to make a go of it.We were dirt poor and struggled to make ends meet for years. We couldn't put things up on the walls or have pets in our rented flats. We had to work full time in jobs we hated. Quickie wedding in a registry office.
Our DC is almost secondary age now, and we're doing better. Bought a fixer upper and working at it bit by bit. I'm in a job that I like well enough, though I don't want to do it all my life. DH is in a similarly ok job.
We were starting to think about having another baby, but as it happens,I'm now infertile. So we're never going to have a shot at that sort of nice, settled family life. Everything done the right way round. We were so busy trying to hold things together and now I feel we've failed our DC by not providing that sort of stability. DC was desperate for a sibling too
I came back and cried and cried. I know I should count my blessings. And I really do. But I always thought I would have that experience at some point - sahm or part time work, time to spend at home baking cupcakes with a few kids, having a nice home, nothing fancy, just nice and homey. And now I'm never ever ever going to have that. I had to go back to work /uni when DC was eight weeks old and I've been in full time work or study ever since.
Self pitying, I know. It's really hitting me recently that I will have no more children.