To feel so jealous.

[WinterSpiceZoflora]

At a relative's house today. Beautiful, beautiful house. Really cosy and pleasant and lovely, in a nice area. Everything family orientated- a park, schools nearby. They have two children, a boy and a girl. A cat and a dog. Handprint pictures on the walls, a playroom, gorgeous kitchen with a special little craft area for the kids. Wedding photos on the walls, lovely kitchen ware that people bought them for their engagement party. Both working in really fulfilling, vocational jobs- she does part time so no childcare fees and loads of family time. They are a lovely, lovely family, and I love them dearly

I just came away feeling jealous and horrible. DH and I met as students and our one DC was a surprise half way through uni. Very little celebration from our extended families who were not happy that we decided to make a go of it.We were dirt poor and struggled to make ends meet for years. We couldn't put things up on the walls or have pets in our rented flats. We had to work full time in jobs we hated. Quickie wedding in a registry office.

Our DC is almost secondary age now, and we're doing better. Bought a fixer upper and working at it bit by bit. I'm in a job that I like well enough, though I don't want to do it all my life. DH is in a similarly ok job.

We were starting to think about having another baby, but as it happens,I'm now infertile. So we're never going to have a shot at that sort of nice, settled family life. Everything done the right way round. We were so busy trying to hold things together and now I feel we've failed our DC by not providing that sort of stability. DC was desperate for a sibling too

I came back and cried and cried. I know I should count my blessings. And I really do. But I always thought I would have that experience at some point - sahm or part time work, time to spend at home baking cupcakes with a few kids, having a nice home, nothing fancy, just nice and homey. And now I'm never ever ever going to have that. I had to go back to work /uni when DC was eight weeks old and I've been in full time work or study ever since.

Self pitying, I know. It's really hitting me recently that I will have no more children.

Thank you all for being firm yet kind

I think it's the infertility to be honest. I think it's only really hitting me now. I never actually gave a shit about this sort of thing before. In that I was always quite positive. I think the thought of having no more children has been breaking my heart a little and I've only just noticed. And DC is too old for playrooms and scribbled nursery pictures and no more nativity...

Dayswerelong I'm so sorry for what happened to you

I have a lovely husband and DS. We have no spare cash and can't afford for me to give up work so I'm working part time. My DH is helpful and supportive but earns less than me.
I struggle to be happy for people who can afford to give up work. Even if I didn't have any debts or financial commitments etc I would still have to work

Sorry winterspice, I massively derailed there.

Thanks though. I'm sorry about the infertility, that sucks

I started reading that and thought "oh shit is this me?!" And then re-read and we don't have a cat and dog. We have everything all lovely now, but only after many longgggg years of seemingly endless struggle and hardship. I had a very long illness, followed by now good health. Infertility followed by surprise lovely children, crippling and miserable work, followed by a shocking inheritance. We have been so careful with the inheritance and used it to buffer the financial strains of retraining/changing career direction and I am absolutely grateful and just thank my lucky stars every day for our lives just somehow turning around. We now do loads for charity and for others, almost day in day out, just because I can't believe our luck. We moved 6 times before my eldest was three, and my husband at that time was working 7 days a week. It was all so grim, one thing I do still live with now, even with having a playroom and the fancy catchment area, is the fear of it all going backwards again! I guess your friends' life may have been handed to them on a platter, or they may have also been through various hardships, but I guess the point is that your experiences are your own and you have to make the best of them. I understand the feeling of jealousy though, I do. It reminds me of the feeling I used to get when I was still being told I'd never have children, and lovely people that I really cared about told me they were pregnant. Of course I didn't want to take that joy away from them, but it was a very sore point, nonetheless. Btw we are not insanely wealthy, just incase I was giving that impression. Just mean we have things that we'd wanted for a long time, and seemed so out of reach. Nice area, new kitchen, spacious home etc. One thing I would suggest, without knowing your circumstances, is how I got into my current job was asking to do on the job learning/volunteering there 1 day a week. Was offered a paid position within 4 weeks. That was a bit of a gamble but it very quickly paid off. Maybe a leap of faith would work in your favour. Sorry if I sound like a twat! My husband looked into starting his own version of what he'd been working for someone else doing and being paid a pittance for, turned out it needed much much less to start than we ever imagined. Once we got this inheritance money (again not insane amount) it was like we could breathe and think for a bit, and what we could in theory have probably done before, but couldn't because of the terror of worrying about every penny and paying rent.

I know a family with two kids, built their dream home from scratch - spent over 3 million it. I don't massively like modern houses - but it was beautifully done. Absolutely perfect life. And then the husband was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and died suddenly one Christmas. The house had to be sold as his wife couldn't afford the upkeep without his salary.

The 'perfect' life can just go up in smoke.

If you have your health, you husband and your kid, you have a lot more than many people. And cake. You always have cake.

You are in a state of mourning for the new child you wanted and have discovered you can't have. And mourning is a temporary insanity (according to Freud who was deeply flawed, but fundamentally wise). Please don't judge yourself for the the heartfelt but irrational feelings you have during this difficult time.

Feelings can never be 'wrong' or controlled. All we can control is our behaviour and it sounds like you behaved in an exemplary fashion. You should be very proud of your self control and selflessness. If you now need to vent to an impartial audience, GOOD. That is a very healthy way to act out. And if this outlet isn't enough, maybe consider some counselling?

I understand OP and you really don't need to feel guilty.

My BF and I met in uni. I struggle with jealousy with her every now and again. She fell into a good, well paying job, met a lovely bloke, bought a nice house, got pregnant quickly despite being told it was unlikely and just generally has a charmed life. I on the other hand, got into debt due to illness and have had to work hard in jobs i don't like to pay them off. Now have a job that is good but not fulfilling, I have a lovely DH but PCOS so ttc for 4 years with no baby.
It's hard to see someone else having a nice life when you know that option isn't available for you - but it's natural to feel jealous. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Also talking through your feelings about the infertility could really help - it's a lot to deal with on your own

Feeling miserable and envious of others is natural and allowed.

You just can't allow it to take over your life or affect your relationships, but you know that of course.

It's hard, but you need to have your occasional wallow, and move on.

I have a pretty charmed life but still don't feel like that. I am very very sorry about your infertility. But having young children and being at home with them is not cupcake making, as you know deep down. Even another child brings new problems. Enjoy having a child who will never have all the hassles a sibling brings. Enjoy being able to do age appropriate things and never having to compromise on that, doing homework in peace without younger sibling crying or running about etc, not feeling you are constantly neglecting one or the other. Little kids are lovely but your glasses are looking a bit rose tinted from where I am.

I'm a single mother to 4 kids, struggling to make ends meet, house falling down around my ears.

My best mate is a millionaire. Husband works from (their beautiful) house. She is stunning, funny and as sharp as a knife.

I just repeat "it's not your time yet, it's not your time yet, it's not your time yet" over and over to myself when I feel like comparing,

Sorry OP cross posted with you. Yes it probably is the infertility that is causing you to feel so bad. I was once infertile but somehow then not, so feel like a bit of an infertility pretender, but as I said above, that feeling of jealousy when it comes to babies, grabs at even the kindest of souls. I remember once someone saying to me, "so if you can't have a baby, get a puppy" and me going absolutely berserk in front of my husband and our friends, and having to apologise for it afterwards. It was all so sad and embarrassing and my feelings were completely out of control. I'm sorry

OP - another way to look at it - you did it all the hard way round, yes, but that means that by the time DS is grown up and out of uni, you'll still be in your early 40s, that's a time when everyone else will be in the 'hard slog' years of childrearing, not having time or energy or spare money for fun things for themselves.

Early 40s is a great time to travel, start a new career (possibly back to study?).

I had a day like this yesterday OP, and everytime I go to a parent council meeting: women in good careers, nice homes etc. I do think it happens to us all at some point. My biggest bugbear atm is my job: menial minimum wage job in a really crappy place. I feel embarrassed telling anyone where I work. But I just keeping reminding myself that Im lucky to have my kids, and although my job is crap its part-time and flexible. You have achieved a lot OP be proud of that .

I have so much admiration for what you've achieved - having a baby mid-degree and keeping your family afloat, financially and emotionally is amazing. I genuinely believe many people couldn't have done that.

You are grieving for the children you wanted to have. That's got to be painful. We all carry an 'imagined life' with us and how much of that life we realise is often not within our control. You now have to grieve and let some some of that imagined life go so you can enjoy the very real things you do have. But let yourself grieve... don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you, thank you. I was absolutely expecting to be flamed and I would have deserved it.

I know it's just a thread on MN, but everything written here has meant a lot to me. Thank you all so much

The things that stood out to me are you were admiring the crafty/homely side. Your teenager will enjoy cooking/baking with you, choosing photographs to make a wall collage etc. Maybe try and focus on some small but nice things you can do together.

OP also try to remember its often just those picture perfect families we might be jealous off, where everything isn't quite as perfect as we think behind closed doors.
I recently discovered t one of the most perfect married couples we know- stunning huge house in 1 of most sought after London areas, both in great jobs earning loads of money, amazing exotic holidays, both gorgeous, stylish and amazingly social- as well as always seeming so loved up- are actually completely falling apart and are probably going to divorce early next year. Completely stunned me and made me thankful for what I have, imperfect as it might be!

Its very easy for people to have pictures up and to make out their lives are perfect but. You only live with your own family. You don't what goes on there behind closed doors

So sorry about your infertility. That's really tough and you'd have to be made of stone to not let it affect you

Everyone's circumstances are different. For all you know they may not have a very happy marriage, or there may be hidden health problems. Not everything is always as it seems. I had a very privileged early childhood which all disappeared in my teens and to outsiders it probably looked like a charmed life, but it all fell apart quite suddenly. My PT job after school aged 16 wasn't for pocket money - it was helping put food on the table at home.

As someone else has already said, comparison is the thief of joy - and it is so true. It's normal and natural to feel a bit envious, but don't let it become so big and important that it prevents you from enjoying now. I know you missed out on time when your DC was tiny, but you have time now.

OP, it must have been difficult to make that post, but it is good to write it down.

I think what you have achieved is wonderful, but life is a struggle for most people for sure. Please try enjoy what you have. Life is short.

Be happy for your friend too, if all is really as it seems, then it's great for them. Wish them the best. No matter what we do, a lot of life can come down to good/back luck, being in the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time, and so on.

See, I'm jealous of you because you own your own home. This is something I will never have .

There's a lot that is enviable about you, though. Many people on the Relationships or Divorce board would be jealous of your stable marriage. Mumsnetters facing dismissal (see the Employment topic) would envy your work situation. Your life sounds pretty good.

However, the infertility must be very hard to face. I am guessing that you're aged about 30, so lots of your friends will be doing the maternity leave/nursery decorating/crayoning/Peppa Pig stuff that you won't do again, which must be tough to witness. I reckon that you should seek a bit of professional support for that.

You're grieving for the child you won't have. That's very very hard.

A few people have told me they see DH and me as sort of 'perfect' - mortgage-free home, son and daughter, own business - and we are definitely very grateful for what we have. But I had a hideous childhood and have been suicidal in the past. I am very aware of how things can change in an instant.

Jealousy is a comfort blanket. It allows you to sit there and wrap yourself up in the notion that you can't change things. You can, but it's hard, so a lot of people don't do it. You could be the person who does do it. That's your choice.

I emphasise with how it must be feeling. Life doesn't always work out to the plan we have in our minds, but that doesn't mean it cannot be happy or great
Soubds like you have your own home now, so fill your walls with paintings, bake cakes at the weekend, enjoy your DC.
Maybe even adopt a cat. Cats protection always have loads of cats and adoption fee is roughly 70 but they will be featured. Microchips, vaccination done etc.
It's just about making the most of what you have.