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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sex etiquette 2 (different op)

89 replies

witchofzog · 03/12/2016 19:33

Following on from the sex etiquette thread aibu to ask how many people feel like this. I was in a conversation with 3 friends this week. 2 don't have kids yet but planning to ttc soon, the other is a single mum to a 10 year old dd.

They all unanimously agreed that it is wrong to have sex when a dc is in the house. Even if that dc is a baby or fast asleep. One of the pre dc women said she would never consider it and that is what grandparent babysitting duty is for. The other said she would wait forever than taint the house while a dc was asleep. The single mum said she and her ex dh never did it when their dd was there though their dd tended to go to her parents most weekends

I was left feeling like a pervert because if the dc are asleep in another room I don't get why not. Wtf. Surely there can't be many people who feel like them?

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 04/12/2016 04:18

They are bonkers. If true I feel so sorry for their OHs. Half the fun is forcing DH to wait until they are in bed and asleep.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2016 05:08

They're bonkers and I pity their OHs. We were lucky in that both DC slept like logs. We used to leave them upstairs asleep and swing from the chandelier. Other times part of the fun is sneaking off.unobtrusively.

GruochMacAlpin · 04/12/2016 05:19

It would be interesting to know if any of your friends have had sex in hotel rooms or in semi detached houses or flats where there could well be a sleeping (or awake) child through the wall.

I suspect they'd say that's different, but it's absolutely not.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 05:42

MyWitlessPal: Those bloody vibrators are rocking the foundations of the economy/what it means to be British/the post-war liberal consensus

InfiniteSheldon · 04/12/2016 06:06

I don't think they lie necessarily friends one and two aren't lying they don't have dc they are just supposing. friend three was possibly unhappily married and either didn't like or wasn't interested enough to care about her dh, hence now divorced, or was possibly very happy and ex dh and her had a happy workable no/little sex arrangement. I have a friend who will happily have sex when her own dc are asleep but never ever when her dsd is in the house as she says it's just too awful to contemplate. Dsd is now 21 and twenty years of no sex for half the week has worked ok for them.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/12/2016 06:25

Oh, for heaven's sake. It's just sex.

MissMargie · 04/12/2016 06:39

It so annoys me when DMs with a always available babysitter think this is the norm.

I never had babysitters on hand, my kids never went to stay anywhere (except one at a time sleepovers at friends) Grrrrrrr. they are so lucky.

Happymumof3tobe · 04/12/2016 08:06

The only time I haven't had my dc with me was when I was in hospital giving birth to dc2....so how would that work....and actually dc1 was home with dh. So definitely not possible biologically or logically. They will realise once they have kids. Or maybe they don't like sex...so in that case don't be surprised if they e d up divorced too in a few years unless their hubby feels the same of course. The only time we had a 'babysitter' was when Mil came to stay from another country so was in the house 24 hours. Now thats when you get retire and just be quiet....don't see what's so difficult.

MrsKoala · 04/12/2016 10:39

so in that case don't be surprised if they e d up divorced too in a few years unless their hubby feels the same of course

That's the key isn't it. If both partners feel the same, and there is no evidence that they don't, then it's fine. I don't see why it's unhealthy to decide when you want to have sex and when not to, for whatever reason.

I think this thread is a little unpleasant and has some nasty and judgemental posts. So what if they don't want to have sex with their kids in the house? To say they are bonkers, mad, bullshitters, liars etc Or that that is why one is divorced is horrible and really projecting. Just because you may prioritise sex differently doesn't mean they are any of those things. They just think differently about it to you.

And pitying their OHs is perpetuating the idea that women are the gate keepers of sex and men are constantly gagging for it - which is an unhealthy stereotype. How on earth do you know their partners don't agree equally? DH and i are on the same page with regards to how often and when we have sex but i'm sure people on this thread would pity him and think i am withholding his conjugal rights.

If the kids do go to their gps, or you have regular childcare and want to make a big deal of sex, rather than do it quietly and listening out for little feet, then so what? If they have no childcare then they may choose a different option, but while they do, then what's the problem?

Gruoch - it is completely different because those children aren't likely to walk in on you.

Original poster

witchofzog · 04/12/2016 14:01

I felt a bit judged when we were having the conversation. They acted like I was a bit dirty for doing it when ds was asleep AND in another room. But we had no family or babysitters. They all have pretty large families. Of course it is up to them but I don't think anyone has been awful in questioning it and stating that their viewpoint is not the norm

OP posts:

birdybirdywoofwoof · 04/12/2016 14:04

The other said she would wait forever than taint the house while a dc was asleep.

That IS a bonkers point of view though.

MommaGee · 04/12/2016 17:53

It actually shows quite an unhealthy relationship with sex to think sex taints a house for a child. They already had sex so any taint is surely there already?? Surely an a t of "love making" shouldn't taint anyway but if it does do you reckon it lingers? Like no kids in house for 3 hours after coitus invade the sexy taint is floating around?

GruochMacAlpin · 05/12/2016 04:33

MrsKoala a very cheap lock on the door will prevent children from walking in on you.

You say the thread is judgemental but the basis for the thread is that the OP felt judged by her friends, she was looking for some reassurance that her behaviour in this regard wasn't abnormal as they implied it was.

I remember your views on this subject from a previous thread, there nothing wrong with preferring to wait until your children aren't at home if that works for you and your DH. That's not quite the same as the OP's friend's view that sex "taints the house" which doesn't seem like a particularly healthy view of sex.

MissMargie · 05/12/2016 12:38

it makes you wonder if either of them had had a 'traumatic' experience in their childhood. Such as coming across a couple at it, or parents obliviously at it.

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