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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

When I was younger my dad.... ***may be triggering. Title edited by MNHQ***

36 replies

PopcornBits · 03/12/2016 15:42

Abused me.
In all sorts of ways.
Emotionally, mentally, sexually.

For the last 6 months, I have been having flash backs where I end up crying, a mess, trying to figure out what happened to me, and then trying to push the images far back into my head, only to go through the vicious cycle again and again.

I am still in contact with my dad, but each day that passes I find myself hating the man more and more, I don't love him, not an ounce. I hate him so much for all the things he has done, and his attitude is still the same now.
I don't want to drip feed, I can't remember absolutely everything that has been done or said. My husband has been supportive but doesn't fully grasp the seriousness of it, I suppose because I still talk to my dad he seems to think it wasn't as bad as I make out or something.

There's one incident, that I can't get out of my head. I had fallen to sleep on the sofa, I had a skirt on. When I woke up, my skirt was rolled up the living room was pitch black and I felt.... Wrong... Downstairs was wet... I was 14. At the time, I was confused, I didn't know what had happened. I just remember a horrible cold sensation run over me and then trying to calm myself and took myself to bed.
Now I remember that image, I remember how I felt... Can someone tell me, is it possible to be raped in your sleep??
I dread the thought of it. Something happened, I just don't know what.

I confronted my dad about 2 years ago, and mentioned some of the stuff he had done to me, he excused every single incident, claiming that it was my fault. Then he started crying to himself with his back turned towards me, he never apologised, or took responsibility.
I cannot stand the man anymore.
He neglected me, sent me to school with dirty unwashed clothes as a kid, school took care of me. My family knew nothing, they thought he was an amazing dad. Never even questioned him.

My heart is racing just typing all this out.. I have noticed I have been struggling the past month with severe anxiety, depression.. I don't know what's happening to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PopcornBits · 03/12/2016 15:44

I know this isn't a AIBU, well it is in a way... I am being unreasonable being in contact with this man.

OP posts:
Manumission · 03/12/2016 15:47

It would probably be a kindness to yourself to suspend contact at least while you get some therapeutic input to address the legacy of his behaviour towards you. You don't have to decide at the outset whether a break from contact will become permenant Flowers

sotiredbutworthit · 03/12/2016 15:48

Get some help sweetheart. Go to your GP or even call Samaritans - they can listen and help you. Cut contact with this man. At least until you figure out how you feel. We believe you but you need to get some help to deal with this. Xxxx

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 03/12/2016 15:52

Cut contact. Im sorry this happened to you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/12/2016 16:01

In Bold capitals. This was not your fault. Your father is an absolute beast. He makes my father who I'm none contact with seem like the arch angel Gabriel.
Youve carried this for so long. Please get help. There are people you can talk to and who can help.
Once again. This is not your fault
You're the victim or rather survivor.
Not that an apology would even begin to cover it, but. Hes not even remorseful. He was crying not because of guilt but because. Hes aware you remember, and Hes shitting himself about the consequences.

Love and support.
Flowers

user1471506380 · 03/12/2016 16:05

As a fellow abusee (I am not a victim!)I would also suggest you cut contact. In my case it was my stepfather. DM wasn't the least bit sympathetic and blamed me! I feel ok nowadays as it was 50 years ago. I had no counselling as it wasn't available back then. I do have a lot of suppressed anger but no depression. I wish you all the best. Flowers

SpaceDinosaur · 03/12/2016 16:06

this is not your fault

Absolutely cut contact.

You can get help for your anxiety, depression, trauma. It is available. Talk to your doctor.

And I say this next bit very very gently. Does he have "access" to any other young children now?

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 03/12/2016 16:21

I doubt you could be raped in your sleep. You could certainly be raped if you had been drugged, though.

baconandeggies · 03/12/2016 16:29

When you've been brought up to believe up is down, you need to separate from the abuser in order to see straight Flowers

I don't know what's happening to me

You're coming to realise some truths... Please do seek the best support you can and let your partner know that you need a great deal of help - here are some links:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/

Original poster
PopcornBits · 03/12/2016 16:30

Thanks I just needed that to be clarified so I can stop thinking what if... I doubt very much I was drugged, but was in a very deep sleep, obviously something had happened, and I didn't wake up.

I have 1 DD whom is by my side at all costs. I never ever leave her on her own when we go there, we don't go there very often.

I am scared to go to my doctors and tell them what's happened, what do I say??

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 03/12/2016 16:43

Tell them what you have told us. Ask for a double appointment and say you want help with dealing with the fall out of our childhood abuse. xx

littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 16:45

This must have been an incredibly hard post to make. You really are remarkably brave.

I agree with those who have said that you should cut off contact with your dad. He is a hateful, hateful man and absolutely does not deserve to have someone as lovely as you in his life. None of this, absolutely none of it, is your fault, and I don't think contact with your father could ever be anything other than harmful to you.

With regards to whether you could be raped in your sleep, I think it's unlikely unless you had been drugged. I think what's more likely is that you were so traumatised by what happened that you've blocked out the memory of the act itself.

If you haven't already done so, please also try to get some help or advice. I agree with a previous poster that it might be worth talking to your GP but if you don't feel that's the right thing for you, there are lots of organisations that might be able to help you - for example, napac.org.uk/ or thesurvivorstrust.org.

In the meantime, take as much care of yourself as you can xxxxxxx

Memoires · 03/12/2016 17:37

Cut contact, Popcorn. I'm so sad this happened to you. Cut contact for the time being, and look for a counsellor. If you can bear to, ask your gp for referral on nhs.

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 03/12/2016 18:52

Hi there Popcorn. We're so sorry to hear this happened to you. We hope you're ok and will find lots of useful support here. Also, we really hope you don't mind but we're just going to edit your thread title to let folk know that the subject matter might be upsetting, just so that anyone else who has also been a victim of abuse or is feeling fragile for any other reason can decide whether or not they are up to reading it.

Mooey89 · 03/12/2016 18:56

I am so sorry this happened to you.
It is not your fault.
You need to stop this man from minimising what he did to you. Cut contact, for your DD as much as you.
Get some therapy.
Good luck. X

GinAndTeaForMe · 03/12/2016 19:03

I am so sorry this happened to you. You did boy deserve this.

With regards to what you would say to the doctors, there is no right or wrong way, just say what you can, even if it is alway jumbled up.

Get some help. You deserve to happy. Flowersxx

GinAndTeaForMe · 03/12/2016 19:04

That is meant to say you did NOT deserve this.

So sorry, this silly phone!

pklme · 03/12/2016 20:54

What a terrible thing to be coming to terms with. You can go to the doctor. You can hand the GP a letter, like the post you made, you can tell them you need help to access counselling.
There are survivors groups which can help. It's good to post on here and get support, but you need support in real life, too.
You don't need to have anything to do with him if you don't want to.

MrsMulward · 03/12/2016 21:01

I'm really sorry that you went through this. Maybe look at a charity called one in four or another one called the Women and Girls network - both of whom offer counselling and support to survivors of violence and abuse
The Samaritans are always available if you need to talk to someone immediately

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 04/12/2016 01:37

Please seek help and please cut all contact with him. He is an absolute monster. Don't let him have any sort of relationship with his grandchild. He does not deserve it.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/12/2016 01:49

We can't know exactly what happened in the same way you don't know. But the evidence of your recollections points to something being grossly wrong in his treatment of you.
We believe you
Your feelings are valid.
You do not have to maintain any contact with him
You do not owe him
You can be angry
You were a child. You have no guilt. You are not responsible for what he did. He knows what he did.
Talk to your GP or show them this thread.
Flowers

IcaMorgan · 04/12/2016 02:30

FlappysMammy it is quite possible to be raped in your sleep.

If you wake up to someone having sex with you then you obviously haven't consented due to being asleep therefore it is rape.

IcaMorgan · 04/12/2016 02:32

Popcornbits if you need someone to talk to over this you can always PM me and I will help you as much as I can

Creampastry · 04/12/2016 06:52

This was never your fault. Where was your mother? I guess your dh would find it strange that you have contact with your dad after what he's done.... but it's complicated I guess. I would go nc

Original poster
PopcornBits · 04/12/2016 16:19

Thank you all for responding and for changing the thread title, had not considered it could be a trigger, I apologise.

I'm going to sort myself out try and get a doctors appt, my husband is back from working overseas and he is against medical intervention most of the time so I think I will need to do it discreetly.

I have already started limiting contact now, and will go no contact in the near future, I'm finding it hard to completely cut contact at the moment as I'm just trying to figure out in my head what has really happened. I have blocked most of it for many years.

Again thank you for reading and giving me constructive advice I really really appreciate it.

OP posts: