When I was younger my dad.... ***may be triggering. Title edited by MNHQ***

[PopcornBits]

Abused me.
In all sorts of ways.
Emotionally, mentally, sexually.

For the last 6 months, I have been having flash backs where I end up crying, a mess, trying to figure out what happened to me, and then trying to push the images far back into my head, only to go through the vicious cycle again and again.

I am still in contact with my dad, but each day that passes I find myself hating the man more and more, I don't love him, not an ounce. I hate him so much for all the things he has done, and his attitude is still the same now.
I don't want to drip feed, I can't remember absolutely everything that has been done or said. My husband has been supportive but doesn't fully grasp the seriousness of it, I suppose because I still talk to my dad he seems to think it wasn't as bad as I make out or something.

There's one incident, that I can't get out of my head. I had fallen to sleep on the sofa, I had a skirt on. When I woke up, my skirt was rolled up the living room was pitch black and I felt.... Wrong... Downstairs was wet... I was 14. At the time, I was confused, I didn't know what had happened. I just remember a horrible cold sensation run over me and then trying to calm myself and took myself to bed.
Now I remember that image, I remember how I felt... Can someone tell me, is it possible to be raped in your sleep??
I dread the thought of it. Something happened, I just don't know what.

I confronted my dad about 2 years ago, and mentioned some of the stuff he had done to me, he excused every single incident, claiming that it was my fault. Then he started crying to himself with his back turned towards me, he never apologised, or took responsibility.
I cannot stand the man anymore.
He neglected me, sent me to school with dirty unwashed clothes as a kid, school took care of me. My family knew nothing, they thought he was an amazing dad. Never even questioned him.

My heart is racing just typing all this out.. I have noticed I have been struggling the past month with severe anxiety, depression.. I don't know what's happening to me.

Forgot to add, that my mum at the time was sectioned due to a severe mental health problem. She is well now and we have rekindled our relationship, I told her some months ago what happened and she was heartbroken, that really was my beginning of realisation.
It's so weird how when you talk about things, it triggers a switch, you suddenly realise how deeply hurt you are, and then all this hatred comes to the surface.
My mum has been so helpful, she has sat and listened, and really has begun to hate my father as much as me because of it.

Hi Popcorn, I don't know whether I can help at all but I wanted to let you know that I went through something very similar. I tried to find a way to PM you but can't. I went NC just over 3 years ago now. In my case I'd buried all these emotions for years but after becoming a parent myself could no longer suppress and "hide" everything that had happened. If you'd like to talk and know a way to PM then please feel free to get in touch. If not, then I really recommend some counselling. I was advised to self-refer to a rape crisis centre after seeing my GP. My thoughts are with you x

Your husband is against medical intervention? Well, let him make his own choices of course; you make your own choices too.

Are you against medical intervention? Are you really? I'm afraid I think that's a ridiculous position.

Medical intervention is necessary unless you are 100% fit and well both mentally and physically, 100% of the time. If you're not, well, medical intervention takes many forms and is generally a damn good thing. If it wasn't we wouldn't have an NHS, would we? We'd all be going to see homeopathists or stewing bits of tree bark and roots in big cauldrons in our kitchens.

I'm so sorry to hear that musing but glad I'm not alone. Ive felt blinded for so many years assuming my dad loved me, even though he did the things he did. I don't know how to describe it.
It's like realising you've been fooled, duped into thinking they cared when they clearly don't. I helped him out so much as well, makes me rage every time I think how much I have given him, I felt bad for him... I can't believe I even felt bad for him. What an idiot I am!!! Been so blinded it angers me.

Just to clarify, I'm not against medical intervention, I actually need to have surgery soon. My husband is just more of a "let's try alternatives before we go to the GP" type of person. I probably didn't explain it very well.

Oh fuck.

I empathise with the fact that you still have contact (please don't flame me!) as I was in sporadic contact with my abuser until the week before I reported her to the police.

You are not alone

I believe you

And you've shown such amazing strength to tell us what you have.

I'm so sorry Popcorn, what an awful thing to happen. This absolutely wasn't your fault and your Dad is 100% in the wrong here.

Can I gently suggest that you disengage from him? You're really not obliged to be in contact with him. No need to make some big declaration, especially if that would upset you, just don't get in touch with him.

I'm glad to read that your Mum is being supportive and you were able to talk to her.

I do think you need to find someone to talk about this, in a non-judgemental setting. Perhaps a counsellor specialising in childhood trauma could help you? If so, this is a good place to start looking:

www.bacp.co.uk/

I'd also recommend speaking to your GP, although I'm concerned to read that your DH doesn't believe in medical intervention - why wouldn't he want you to seek help?

I don't know why... I think he thinks I react badly to medication, I've had citalopram before for PND and he didn't like how it affected me so I guess he's now tarred all medication with the same brush.

Going to take a look at some of the links on here this evening, very grateful to all those positive messages .

Well, in the nicest possible way, it's not up to him! You're an adult and if you want to seek medical help then it's your decision, not his.

If he's just expressing an opinion/a preference then that's one thing but would he actively try to stop you?

I'm sorry, I was not helpful in my last post. Glad to hear you make your own choices regarding your health and treatments. Good luck with the op. (Reacting badly to one med doesn't mean the whole lot of them are crap. I reacted strangely to citalopram too and my gp gave me dosulepin instead - it's fab.)

Your health; your choice. Always. Good luck with the op.

Didn't want to read this and run.
I think it is very possible (as PP suggested) that your mind has blocked out the full memory of the incident when you fell asleep on the sofa. You are not going mad, you are not imagining this, and it was not your fault. Not one bit - you are not to blame for this.
Often sexual abuse can cause problems many years later. I haven't experienced the things you have, but I was sexually assaulted. I stayed in contact with that person, and minimised what had happened for several years. It's only recently that I have allowed myself to accept what really happened.
I understand what you mean when you say that by talking about these things it releases all the pent up emotions. This can be handled in a healthy way with a counsellor. I urge you to speak to your GP - there is help out there for you.
In the meantime please post on here if you need to talk. There are so many fantastic women on here who will always listen and believe you.

None of this is your fault. Cut contact.

Speak to your GP, if nothing but to offload.

So sorry this has happened to you