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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try not to panic about finances and cling on to belief that this will pass

49 replies

EmeraldIsle100 · 02/12/2016 23:40

I am a single parent and I have reared two DC who are 17 and 19. I separated from their father when DC was one and I was pregnant with DS. EXH has never paid a penny towards the children and I haven't pushed it because he has a violent temper.

I am completely broke, the years of rearing the DC alone have meant I have always struggled. It is 3 weeks to Christmas which is going to plunge me into my overdraft and have to use credit cards. The thought of January frightens me. This is despite me being as frugal as possible. I am not a big spender. My credit rating is crap so I can't borrow or shift credit card debt onto 0% cards.

AIBU to try not to let this affect my mood and to just go into further debt to cover costs? I can't borrow from family or friends. I am trying to stay positive but am really worried sick. We won't be going hungry and we will afford electricity. Heating might be threatened though.

One of my DC has part time job and attends college. My other DC is recovering from an illness and can't work at the moment. I am probably classified as a JAM Just About Managing but I am so worried.

Part of me thinks this will pass and we won't go hungry but I am really really scared.

I know nobody can help me but I just want to tell someone how I feel. Thanks for reading and best wishes

OP posts:

OfGurls · 02/12/2016 23:45

Course it will.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/12/2016 23:45

At 17 and 19, your children are old enough to realise things are tough. If you explain that you can't afford Christmas, then maybe you can organise a nice cheap day between you.

I do feel for you but yes this will pass. The kids are old enough to be earning and contributing.

Mathsmess · 02/12/2016 23:47

Money worries are so shit OP.

I don't have anything useful to add but just wanted to say I hear you. Constantly worrying and scrimping and saving sucks all the fun out of life.

I'm sure it will pass x

JenLindleyShitMom · 02/12/2016 23:48

Can you pick up some extra work? That's going to be your best option for getting through December/January. Obvious ones that will get you quick cash are cleaning, ironing, babysitting, dog walking, leafletting. Other suggestions: lots of shops will be taking on seasonal staff right now.

Hellmouth · 02/12/2016 23:49

If money is that tight, I really don't think you should splurge at Xmas, and there is no need for you to. Your DC aren't kids, they're grown up enough to live without a fancy Xmas.

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 02/12/2016 23:51

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I just need reminding that this will pass. I just tend to lurch into terror territory. In order to protect myself I have to keep repeating that nobody is dead and so what if I lose the house.

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 02/12/2016 23:56

It will pass but only if you work out what is causing things to be so tight and work on fixing them. I hate to say it but I'm getting a "head in sand vibe from your posts.

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 02/12/2016 23:58

The chances of me splurging are 0. The DC will understand and DS will keep working after college. DD is too sick to work and has just got out of hospital after 3 months. She will recover though and I am so grateful for that.

Maths, that is really all I needed to hear and thanks from the bottom of my heart for being so kind.

I work full time but need to get another job after hours. I am not scared of working and I will start looking.

Just being listened to helps big time, thanks again. I just needed to tell someone.

OP posts:

cakegoblin · 03/12/2016 00:01

So sorry you're feeling panicky. Of course it will pass.
Firstly, well done on raising your children entirely on your own. I had never given much thought about how hard it must be to be a single parent until I had my DCs and my world-view shifted entirely. That is a mammoth task you have performed.
Next - they are old enough to understand that if you are skint you just might need to be 'creative' about Christmas for this year. In fact you would be setting them a very good example if you sat them down and explained the situation. I know a frugal Christmas might be a rubbish prospect to have to propose to your kids but January and February are the WORST months to be even more broke, don't you think? Much better you have a 'one gift only' rule or 'charity shop only' rule or similar, could be fun?
If you can put a positive spin on it and everyone agrees to a low-key Christmas day, then you can look ahead to the New Year without that sinking guilt-debt feeling and you will be setting them an outstanding example of how to be a responsible adult.

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/12/2016 00:02

Jen I am trying to really focus on whether I have my head in the sand and have come to the conclusion that I am not trying to ignore the signs, I can see the signs and they are scaring the shit out of me.

Just writing is helping me get things into proportion though and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

Matador · 03/12/2016 00:05

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/12/2016 00:10

Cake thanks for your supportive words, that meant an awful lot to me. You are dead right the DC are old enough to know the reality and it will be a more honest relationship if I just spell it out to them.

I will be in debt for a few years yet but things could be a hell of a lot worse.

The fear is starting to recede, thanks again for taking the time to listen and post.

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 03/12/2016 00:12

Do you know what is causing you the hardship? Is your rent astronomical or are there expenses you could cull?

Hellmouth · 03/12/2016 00:16

I was going to say a similar thing to Jen

TowerRavenSeven · 03/12/2016 00:18

TBH at your children's ages I wouldn't put anything on the credit card. I think a nice Xmas meal with a few food treats is more than enough. Maybe you could all pull together and make a few gifts and then plan a free Xmas day. Surely they must have an idea of your situation? My own ds is almost 15 and would understand if I laid it on the line.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 03/12/2016 00:19

Just why matador? Just to be a dick?

AbernathysFringe · 03/12/2016 00:21

Please please please don't go into debt for Christmas!!! It really really doesn't matter and if you just resist the spending and have a lovely day together anyway, you'll soon see it was all just societal pressure, not something you actually HAVE to do.
In Holland only the children (not teens) tend to get more than one gift.

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/12/2016 00:25

Jen I got into debt by paying for everything for 18 years on my own. I am not a big spender, I don't even like shopping. My mortgage is actually not the worst debt. I account for every penny and there is nothing I could cull.

My outgoings are all things like payment of loans that I honestly had to take out, mortgage, car insurance and tax, petrol, phone, food, BT, council tax, house insurance, lunch money for DC, heating oil, clothes for DC and work.

There are two bills that amount to £600 per month and they are crippling me. Those bills relate to two loans that I had to take out to stop losing the house.

Anyway sorry for moaning. I just wanted to write it down and tell someone because I can't tell anyone in real life. My parents are in their 80's and had it very tough. I have never asked them for money and never will. I would lose my house before that. Incidentally my house is not big, its tiny, but it's home.

Posting and reading your helpful posts has made the fear go away for a while, so thanks a million for posting.

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 03/12/2016 00:26

My mum hasnt got me a christmas present since i was 16. I dont mind as getting some random gift i dont really want is better than her getting into debt. Actually at age 17 a bottle of vodka would have gone down well

People feel the pressure to spend at Christmas and I think we all need to step up and say enough!! Weeks of feasting on expensive treats and giving lavish gifts is NOT necessary it even wise.

noeffingidea · 03/12/2016 00:28

It will pass.
As far as Christmas goes, remember it is being together that really matters, not how much money you can spend. Try and keep your debt to a minimum.
Look into ways of raising extra money, even if it's just a few pounds.

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/12/2016 00:29

Abernathy I promise you that I won't go into debt over Christmas. I am already in debt. You are dead right it is societal pressure and it's a crock.

I am breathing more easily after reading all your posts, thanks again.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/12/2016 00:32

You know your posts are really easing my anxiety. I am very glad I posted because I had got myself into a right old figary when in actual fact I should just be very glad that myself and my DC are here. DD has been very sick but is undoubtedly on the mend.

You really are very thoughtful people and I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to my fears and helping to allay them.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/12/2016 00:34

Have a cup I am now officially saying enough is enough. LOL. I feel so much better.

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 03/12/2016 00:35

Those are high loan repayments! Can you speak to stepchange (I think that's the name) about getting those repayments lowered into manageable amounts? That would make a difference for sure.

JenLindleyShitMom · 03/12/2016 00:37

Also, is your daughter entitled to any benefits due to her illness? She can't work so should be entitled to something.

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