To try not to panic about finances and cling on to belief that this will pass

[EmeraldIsle100]

I am a single parent and I have reared two DC who are 17 and 19. I separated from their father when DC was one and I was pregnant with DS. EXH has never paid a penny towards the children and I haven't pushed it because he has a violent temper.

I am completely broke, the years of rearing the DC alone have meant I have always struggled. It is 3 weeks to Christmas which is going to plunge me into my overdraft and have to use credit cards. The thought of January frightens me. This is despite me being as frugal as possible. I am not a big spender. My credit rating is crap so I can't borrow or shift credit card debt onto 0% cards.

AIBU to try not to let this affect my mood and to just go into further debt to cover costs? I can't borrow from family or friends. I am trying to stay positive but am really worried sick. We won't be going hungry and we will afford electricity. Heating might be threatened though.

One of my DC has part time job and attends college. My other DC is recovering from an illness and can't work at the moment. I am probably classified as a JAM Just About Managing but I am so worried.

Part of me thinks this will pass and we won't go hungry but I am really really scared.

I know nobody can help me but I just want to tell someone how I feel. Thanks for reading and best wishes

Just asked my 18 year old and she said she would rather go without than let me worry . It's one day

Sorry, I've just read your last post, OP. Ignore my last 2 sentences (they sound a bit patronising in view of your situation).
Just focus on your family and the love you share. That is worth more than any gift.
I grew up in a family without much money and only got very small presents. My special christmas memories are nothing to do with presents, but moments that I shared with my Mum.
Honestly, it will all be ok. A happy Christmas to you all..

Good idea Jen I will make enquiries. If I could lower those payments I would be on the road to recovery.

I was actually lucky to get those loans because my credit rating is not good. The debt started when my EXH stopped working when the DC were babies and I had to fund everything.

I was always wary about renegotiating the loan payments because I thought it would be the death nail on my already precarious credit rating but I think I will need to re-think that position.

I will go to see Citizens Advice. Thanks for your suggestions.

Jen she has applied for ESA and PIP but as she is in hospital she isn't entitled to benefits. She is coming out of hospital on Monday and Citizens Advice are helping her with her applications. She is too sick to work full-time for a while but will ease herself back in.

Kil what a pet your daughter is!

No idea I am going to believe you that everything will be ok LOL!

If you're struggling to pay loans back, there's options like IVAs where you can reduce the repayments right down. Do look into it as it might be a good option for you.

Definitely enquiry about the debt repayments, it really could make all the difference between surviving January with heating and not!

Hopefully your DD will get some benefits then. Good that she is getting home on Monday too! Will you have to take time off work to care for her? Will you lose income?

Cross posted- IVAs will kill your credit score for about 5 years but then it starts improving again.

Cheshire I have heard about IVAs but a friend of mine told me that your credit rating takes a terminal hit and that scared me.

I think it is time for me to talk to Citizens Advice though because as it stands my credit rating is dodgy anyway.

If I could get those payments down I could actually start to recover. I will definitely look into it. Thanks very much for posting.

Cheshire that's interesting. In 5 years I could actually have a hope of really recovering. I will be making enquiries, thanks again, I appreciate your advice.

Jen I have booked a week's family responsibility leave to mind her. Luckily my boss approved my application for leave. I have worked there for 20 years and never applied before. He can be a bit of a pain but I think he thought agreeing to it would mean I wouldn't go off on sick leave.

I hope a week does the job as being in work forces me to get up, get dressed and leave the house!

Are you suffering because your children becoming adults caused a cut in child benefit and tax credits? I work with people in financial difficulty and this is the reality for so many people and is absolutely terrifying. There are debt charities out there who can advise what is best for you. Stepchange and Christians against poverty are the best. It's a long road but it isn't forever. As long as the debt doesn't get bigger it will get better for you.

Does it matter if your credit rating takes a dive? It will surely only matter if you are going to apply for further credit - and you're not.

Also, is your house mortgaged? Is it possible to add the loans to the mortgage as the rate will almost certainly be cheaper? Do talk to someone like stepchange. An iva, or even bankruptcy, can be a positive step, despite the temporary effect on your credit rating.

Silly that is part of it, I used to get tax credits and child benefit which helped but now its just my salary which isn't enough.

Glitter I tried to put the loans onto the mortgage because my mortgage isn't too bad but I got rejected because of my credit rating. That was my big hope and I was pretty gutted when I got rejected.

Thanks very much for all your suggestions which are really helping.

It is going to be a long road and I just need to stay calm and not panic.

Thanks again, have a good day wherever you are!

OP, a friend of mine could have written your post this time last year, she was exactly where you are.

You have to face this, and find solutions. My friend called Stepchange who others have mentioned and they sent her a template letter which she sent to her creditors and it meant that unsecured loans and credit cards minimum payments were reduced. They also, I think, worked out a budget for her. Anyway she said they were really kind and helpful and it made a big difference. So try them.

It will pass, but if you can get support and a plan in place you will feel a lot better.

Speaking as someone who got in massive debt, I think you would do your children a massive favour by being honest with them about this. I had no clue about budgets and not buying things just cos I wanted them as my parents never showed me how. It's something I learnt the hard way later as an adult and after getting in massive debt and to be honest I'm still learning. I now teach my young DC about budgets and saving so even if they accrue debt later for whatever reason I will have given them the best chance. Talk to your children and work out how you can all have a nice day without the gifts. Also if they're on board and you really don't feel you can't exchange presents and you can spare say £9, you could all choose 3 gifts each for the day from the poundshop. Maybe one could be for each other family member and one as a 'lucky dip' that anyone would enjoy then you all reach in and take out a present without looking and see what you end up with? Poundshop can be full of toot but also sells useful stuff or even just nice treats

As others have said, it will pass lass.

Can you rejig the two bills that are hurting you? Maybe extend the period?

You've done grand. I know that doesn't take the fear away, been there, but know that and know that it will pass.

Have a virtual hug xx

OP - linking this thread for you - talkinpeace (aka Tip) and Badders run the thread and they have great advice - there is absolutely no judgement just great advice in a very supportive environment.

Post on it and just layout everything that's going on, all your bills, expenditure etc and you'll get great advice and ongoing support

Drowning in debt and cannot talk to people in Real Life? A problem shared is a problem brought into perspective - come and join the lens.
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legalmoneyy_matters/2465435-Drowning-in-debt-and-cannot-talk-to-people-in-Real-Life-A-problem-shared-is-a-problem-brought-into-perspective-come-and-join-the-lens

Em it does pass. TiP and Badders are great for advice - it is no nonsense and non judgemental. They should get NY Gongs for services to debt management.
The other thread is the Frugaleers - found in credit crunch. No saving too small. Great for moral support and advice on how to wring the most out of a monthly budget.

Thanks for replying and for giving me really great advice. I couldn't get on MN yesterday as my DD came home from hospital for the day in advance of her discharge on Monday. I basically stalked her all day to make sure she was ok, which thankfully she was.

I will definitely take your advice. It is so encouraging to hear that posters have been in my shoes and that things improved.

Most importantly you taking the time to post to reassure me helped me an awful lot.

Best wishes and thanks again.

I just want to check something relating to previous advice. Is Step Change completely legit? I have heard scary stories about debt companies who make money from people in debt.

Thanks very much.

They are legit, as are National Debtline. They don't charge administration fees either.

Have you looked at renegotiating your mortgage? Arranging a mortgage holiday? Checked that you're getting all your entitlements etc

Thanks very much Toasty . Sadly my bank wouldn't approve my application to put debt onto my mortgage which hurt me. My mortgage isn't too bad and it would have been the answer.

I will ring Step Change. Thanks again much appreciated!

I was where you are about 12 years ago. My debt was crushing me. Like you, had been a single parent since DCs were babies and had begun to rely on debt to get me through. A bit of bad luck (on top of the previous foolishness) meant I got in to serious difficulty. I was made redundant (minimum payout) just after clearing out available money to get my leaking roof fixed. At the same time, my bank hit me for lots of bank charges they had never implemented before. Miss a payment then all of a sudden everyone wants you to pay in full....

moneysavingexpert.com really saved me. Very non judgemental (I had a decent salary; it was the debt repayments that were strangling me) and lots of great advice on what to do. My credit record was shot to bits and that was a positive- no access to any other debt for 6 years. They will advise you on which debts to prioritise, and which companies will accept reduced payments. They will also provide template letters to send to creditors asking to reduce payments.

It really isn't worth getting in to further debt just for Christmas. The sooner it's all settled then the sooner that stress is lifted. I'll never get into debt again.

Have a lovely Christmas x

I'm glad to hear you are feeling more positive Emerald and I wish you all the luck in the world.

There has been some great advice on this thread about getting some help and I'll add my tiny bit. Have you thought about doing some evening babysitting work just to get a few pounds in? New year is coming up and lots of people will be looking for babysitters. And it's usually pretty easy.

Have a lovely Christmas, play lots of silly games, big walk if DD is up to it and lots of Christmas movies. Doesn't need to cost the earth!

Olly, Rainbow thanks so much for posting, I really appreciate it. We are not spending this Xmas (LOL no choice) but I have to say I am loving it because I have had very honest discussions with DC 20 & 18 and we all agree that what matters is that we are all here together.

I have got some really gorgeous presents like a hot water bottle with a gorgeous red chunky knit cover for £3.99. My DS is mad about snap back hats and there are loads out there pretty cheap.

Olly I am in an almost identical situation that you were in 12 years ago and I am going to get this sorted like you did. I am actually breathing easier and thinking the world isn't such a scary place.

Everything is going to be alright!