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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mum I've had an affair

74 replies

PuppyCottonLane · 02/12/2016 17:55

I've name changed for this as this will probably out me.

When I was 19 I had an affair with a married man of 30 who had 2 kids. The affair ended when his wife found out and she made him choose between me and the kids. He chose the kids and they stayed married for about 2 years until eventually divorcing as she couldn't get over the affair. About 3 years later the wife died suddenly and at the time of her death (when I was about 24) I had great feelings of remorse for what I did when I was 19.

My mum and I have always been extremely close and for some strange and unbeknown reason has never found out about the affair. Surprising considering I live in a small town and the affair was "big news".

I'm now 32, married with 3 kids of my own. For about the past couple of years I've had this nagging feeling and feelings of guilt that I hadn't confided in her. This is made worse when she makes comments about what a lovely teenager I was and how she never had any trouble from me and for that she is thankful.

My friends say put it to bed as it was 13 years ago but other people say I should have told her and it's unfair for her to be oblivious.

AIBU to tell her now or shall I just leave it?

OP posts:

lola111 · 02/12/2016 19:46

for some strange and unbeknown reason has never found out about the affair. Surprising considering I live in a small town and the affair was "big news"
I'll bet my last dollar she does know!

MsJamieFraser · 02/12/2016 19:48

i dont get why you would tell her now, and also you did not have the affair, he did!.

DailyMailJournosSmell · 02/12/2016 19:59

Mmm, ok, I have a different opinion from everybody else as I would definitely tell my Mum. I'm close to her and I know she would be supportive and non judgemental - she would feel really sad especially for the woman but also for me. She dissaproves of affairs (as do I) but that wouldn't mean she wouldn't want to help me come to terms with what I had done.

AntiqueSinger · 02/12/2016 20:01

Do youu want to tell her out of a sense of wanting to be really understood? For one of the closest people in your life to really know the real you warts and all? If that's the reason, then go for it. Its always nice to have one person in your life who knows the worst thing you've ever done, and still loves you regardless. I could understand that by keeping this aspect of your life a secret, you have deprived yourself of this and the feeling of being really loved for yourself. It's almost like 'yes we're close and they love me but would they still love me if they knew xyz?'. I suspect you've been afraid of testing this previously and are now feeling compelled to get it all out and see.....

If you want to tell for these reasons, then go for it, because you will probably be very happily suprised.

But if its just for the sake of your conscience, or some self-flagellation, then I really wouldn't bother. What's done is done.

Suburbopolis · 02/12/2016 20:03

I don't think you can get 'absolution' for this because any relief you get from telling her will be countered by either her disappointment in you or your upset / irritation that she didn't just instantly say 'bless you, i approve, I forgive you'

You don't need her forgiveness. If you've kept it to yourself all these years there was a reason for that.

Don't square up to be judged.

PterodactylToenails · 02/12/2016 20:12

I don't see the point in telling your mum, what will it achieve especially after all these years.

Pidlan · 02/12/2016 20:16

i would tell her too. My sister did something similar, and I was pretty hurt to find out from someone else because I'd have liked to have been there for her when she felt crap about it all.

FatOldBag · 02/12/2016 20:38

I think you need some help to deal with your own thoughts and feelings about this. Do consider therapy or counselling. We've all done shit stuff as idiot teenagers which perhaps we don't really appreciate the significance of until we're older and wiser. It's ok to be sorry or regret something, but you need to be able to forgive yourself and move on after all these years. You weren't much more than a child, you're a different person now.

FatOldBag · 02/12/2016 20:42

Also, can I just say, YOU didn't have an affair, you were single. The husband had an affair. I wonder if he still feels this bad.

Lessthanaballpark · 02/12/2016 20:58

It's obviously made worse by the fact that the woman died, knowing what she knew.

Tell your mum. She may be upset with you at first but it's eating you up obviously and you need her support to get through these feelings of guilt that you rightly have.

Also what someone upthread said. It takes two to tango. He did this to his wife more than you did. You were 19. He was 30 and should have known better.

2rebecca · 02/12/2016 23:31

I agree that you can only have an affair if you are married so he was the one having the affair.
I was involved in several dubious relationships as a student.
I have never felt that my parents' lives would be enhanced by knowing about these.
I don't expect my kids to tell me all about their sex lives either, especially the dodgier relationships.
I'm happy to listen if they want to talk to me about stuff, but I can't see me ever getting angry because they haven't told me something they preferred to keep quiet.
That's part of respecting your adult childrens' right to a private life.
People are people not saints. We all make stupid decisions sometimes.

Dowser · 02/12/2016 23:47

I wouldn't.
There's no point.
It happened.
Draw a line under it.

MrsJayy · 02/12/2016 23:53

News like that is like poking something with a stick why disturb it, mum might know tbh and not saying anything you said your town is small let it lie, the guilt wont go away because your mum knows imo

JAPAB · 03/12/2016 00:27

Also, can I just say, YOU didn't have an affair, you were single. The husband had an affair.

According to Wiki at least "An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic friendship, or passionate attachment between two people without the attached person's significant other knowing." which would make both parties to be participating in the affair.

But isn't this just semantics? If someone feels remorse or regret for participating in or assisting in something detrimental to another, is the technical label used to describe the actions the priority.

Can't offer any advice on whether OP should tell mum. But I am another one who has found out about two separate friends having affairs (in one case she had had an affair with her boyfriend's brother and this came out as part of an "amusing" anecdote) and preferring that I hadn't found out about this detail of their past. When you otherwise like someone it might take a bit of compartmentalising to separate it out. Although in my case neither of them seemed to think anything of it. Might be different when people are talking about events they regret or wouldn't do again.

CaptainCabinet · 03/12/2016 03:54

I think you need to be kind to yourself OP.

You were inexperienced, foolish and thoughtless. weren't we all? He's the shit who knowingly cheated, betrayed and caused misery. You feel remorse and would undo it if you could, and now at your stage in life you have a new empathy and insight. You would undo it if you could. I also think counselling would be a good idea to accept what has passed and forgive yourself.

Good luck OP.

No idea what to do about your mum, but like another post, I suspect, on one level at least, she knows. but the 'i'm so glad you didn't cause trouble with men' comments make me think she doesn't want to know.

SlottedSpoon · 03/12/2016 04:42

I think sudden overwhelming feeling of guilt and remorse is because you are now the age his wife was when her husband was shagging you and you are married with children. It's making you feel vulnerable to think just how easily this could be happening to you and the devastation it would cause to your children. It's fear speaking. Is there a part of you that is bracing yourself for some sort of karma?

I'm not sure what telling your mum will really achieve though, apart from making you feel a bit better. You do not owe her any kind of explanation and if she hasn't found out yet through gossip then she's pretty unlikely to.

I think this is more about you wanting to explore your own feelings of vulnerability and your mum seems like a good candidate to act as your listening ear/therapist. But unburdening things like this onto another person often just unfairly burdens them instead.

It would be better t get support from people on here if you really feel the need to talk about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2016 05:16

Be kind to yourself. You were a teenager. Not mid twenties. We do a lot of growing up in these years. Let it lie.

When I was 16 I was duped, ditto 19 and again by another man at 20. At 16 I discovered he was living with his pregnant partner and when I found out, he moved on to the next (I expect school girl). At 19 he was living with a partner - I assume no children. At 20, it was just a bit of fun and then I found out he was very much married and had a number of children. By the time I found out, he'd already moved out of the area. I felt such a fool and a horrible person.

Needless to say, all older men. I was just really really naive and hadn't been taught what I needed to know about men and relationships. At the time, I genuinely believed people only spoke the truth so I truly thought they were available. Because why would a man go for me if he wasn't? (Bangs head).

After that, I stopped dating older men and met dh three years older than me at 21.

I shall be teaching dd these things so she hopefully will make less mistakes.

GravyAndShite · 03/12/2016 07:59

When you otherwise like someone it might take a bit of compartmentalising to separate it out.

For me this wouldn't be the case. I have relationships with people I love and they could do and tell me far 'worse' and the love would remain.

GravyAndShite · 03/12/2016 08:01

This. (I'd try and get past that, karma is very internal although it appears external sometimes).

OrcinusOrca · 03/12/2016 08:36

I also think she knows. I wouldn't want to know if someone close had done something like that because it would change our relationship forever. Bollocks whoever sits there blaming the guy saying you were taken advantage of. At the end of the day you knew the score and you did something very bad. Leave it be. I wouldn't want to know if I didn't but I strongly suspect your Mum does and has chosen to ignore it for a reason.

OhhBetty · 03/12/2016 08:44

SlottedSpoon has it bang on I feel.

Also, I don't think most people tell their mothers about their sex lives.

You (and he) did a shitty thing and now you feel bad about it. There's no need to make others feel bad too imo.

OhhBetty · 03/12/2016 08:45

Oh, and however bad you're feeling, let me assure you it is not a fraction of how bad his poor wife must have felt. I feel like your post is rather self indulgent.

OzzieFem · 03/12/2016 12:35

but other people say I should have told her and it's unfair for her to be oblivious.

Don't listen to these other people. They sound like they have an axe to grind. It's not unfair on your mother to be oblivious, it's kind. It's in the past and should stay there.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2016 14:17

Don't be so sure she doesn't know.

She may well have decided to leave well alone as it ended and you and time moved on.

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