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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum I've had an affair

74 replies

PuppyCottonLane · 02/12/2016 17:55

I've name changed for this as this will probably out me.

When I was 19 I had an affair with a married man of 30 who had 2 kids. The affair ended when his wife found out and she made him choose between me and the kids. He chose the kids and they stayed married for about 2 years until eventually divorcing as she couldn't get over the affair. About 3 years later the wife died suddenly and at the time of her death (when I was about 24) I had great feelings of remorse for what I did when I was 19.

My mum and I have always been extremely close and for some strange and unbeknown reason has never found out about the affair. Surprising considering I live in a small town and the affair was "big news".

I'm now 32, married with 3 kids of my own. For about the past couple of years I've had this nagging feeling and feelings of guilt that I hadn't confided in her. This is made worse when she makes comments about what a lovely teenager I was and how she never had any trouble from me and for that she is thankful.

My friends say put it to bed as it was 13 years ago but other people say I should have told her and it's unfair for her to be oblivious.

AIBU to tell her now or shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/12/2016 18:54

I don't understand why you think this is any of your mum's business. Now or then.
Why should you not have stuff you don't tell your parents? that's not "secrets" that is just normal behaviour.

AuntieStella · 02/12/2016 18:57

If she was going to find out, it was vastly more likely that she would have done so when the affair was happening - about 13 years ago.

Or when his wife died and the gossip (briefly) reignited - about 8 years ago.

Why now OP?

There's no earthy reason to act now, based on the likelihood of your mother finding out. So what else has put this other man so very much in your mind?

BobbieDog · 02/12/2016 19:00

Just let it go.

I ve known quite afew people (myself including) who had affairs with married men in our teens. As teens we were very selfish, didnt give the wife a second thought!

Now as adults (well mature adults) with husbands and children of our own we now realise how wrong it was and the hurt that we could of caused if the wives found out.

Put it down to a learning curve and move on. We all make mistakes.

positivity123 · 02/12/2016 19:02

I agree that this is your burden to carry. What you did was terrible but you were 19, your 'punishment' is to keep it to yourself.

Only bad things can come of it, if you tell your mum then you fall out then your kids will wonder why you celebrate fallen out then they will find out etc etc.

Let sleeping dogs lie

GravyAndShite · 02/12/2016 19:02

If the relationship with DM is strong it can survive your confidence or it can support your right to privacy. Could she even know already, but chose to never bring it up because it is so irrelevant in your relationship.

Everyone makes mistakes. I'd close the door on this now. You didn't betray this woman, her husband did. And no matter how good your seduction skills were, it was his choice to stray.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/12/2016 19:08

I agree, forgive yourself for your mistake and leave it in the past. Don't dredge it all up now.
It's a mistake to think that "doing the right thing" by telling your mum now will somehow balance out your past misdemeanor.
Lots of us have regrets from our youth. You are not that person now.

Perhaps do something else to prove to yourself you're a changed person. Volunteer for a charity, make a donation or do something lovely for your mum.

BratFarrarsPony · 02/12/2016 19:16

no just do not, your reasons are entirely selfish. How would it benefit your mother to know this?
Keep it to yourself.

OlennasWimple · 02/12/2016 19:22

There are plenty of things I did when I was 19 that my mum doesn't know about, would affect how she thought of me, and technically she could find out (some of my friends know, and could in theory tell her- though that's very unlikely). I have no intention at all of telling her - why would I? What would it achieve?

This is about you still feeling guilty about what happened, and projecting that as feeling bad that your mum doesn't know. If you tell her, you will still feel guilty, I promise. You can't offload this onto your mum.

I'm struggling to think of circumstances in which you ought to tell her: the only one I can think of is if she took up with the ex, in which case you would need to tell her you used to date him. But otherwise, leave this sleeping dog to lie.

Sara107 · 02/12/2016 19:23

Another one advising you to let it go. There is nothing to be gained by dragging it all up and causing distress. It's in the past and you need to focus on your current relationships now.

Lessthanaballpark · 02/12/2016 19:24

I understand it if you are really close to your mum. You feel ashamed of yourself and want your mum's forgiveness.

MrsBobDylan · 02/12/2016 19:25

Telling your mum will not lighten your guilt. Your mum won't want to know. It was not your mum you hurt by having the affair.

For all those reasons, let it lie.

Ballstowinplease · 02/12/2016 19:27

God if I had to confess all the stupid things I'd done when I was younger to my mum i'd be there for days. You did a silly thing when you were young. It was his fault too, and if it hadn't been you it would have been someone else. Forgive yourself and move on. I bet your mother knows anyway.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 02/12/2016 19:28

You need to forgive yourself

gamerwidow · 02/12/2016 19:30

Your mum doesn't need to know and you need to forget about it. Yes you made a mistake but you were young, it was a long time ago and you are truly repentant. You don't need to feel guilty and you don't owe anyone any explanations.

LucilleBluth · 02/12/2016 19:30

It really isnt any of your mums business. You were 19, you are and were your own woman. We all shudder at the thought of things we did in our youth. Forget it and move on would be my advice.

downwardfacingdog · 02/12/2016 19:31

I made some dodgy choices at that age that my Mum doesn't know about and I plan to keep it that way. I can't even recognise the person I was then to who I am now (mid-thirties). Let it go and forgive yourself. (And don't burden your Mum)

Original poster
PuppyCottonLane · 02/12/2016 19:32

Actually in tears. I don't know why, probably because I haven't realised how much I have hated myself for it until I've read it in black and white from a bunch of women on a forum I've never met. Better than therapy I think

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 02/12/2016 19:33

Yabu. When I was 19 I secretly dated my mums work colleague who was 52 years old for two years (he was divorced though). He then started dating someone else from my mums office who found out about me and threatened me that she was going to tell my mum so I told her myself.

She was devastated. The other woman never said anything. If I could go back I would have broken it off and never told her!!

IJustWantABrew · 02/12/2016 19:33

If it was 'the big news in town' there is every chance she knows but chooses not to mention it. If she does ever say anything just respond with how it was a massive mistake and how you felt ashamed of yourself and didn't want your mum to think less of you.

Pallisers · 02/12/2016 19:34

I am certain your mother knows and has chosen not to discuss it with you. Don't raise it now.

Original poster
PuppyCottonLane · 02/12/2016 19:41

Yes my DH knows. He said not to mention it, he feels it will cause unnecessary upset

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 02/12/2016 19:41

You don't really have to tell anyone, do you?

Move on and let it go. There's nothing to be gained here.

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 19:43

Another one saying let it be...

You can not change what happened. Telling your mum won't make the guilt go away. Maybe you need to forgive your 19 YO self and lay this to rest.

OohhThatsMe · 02/12/2016 19:44

I think that given this is really upsetting you now and given that you have a great relationship with your mum, maybe you should talk to her about it. Hopefully she'll remember being that age herself and will know the daft things you can do without thinking of the consequences.

Maybe downplay how many people know about it, though - that is likely to hurt her if they are friends of hers.

OohhThatsMe · 02/12/2016 19:46

I would hate it if my daughter wanted to talk to me about something and thought I'd judge her - it would really upset me to know that she's desperate to talk and feels she can't.